Raising Hope

Almost ready!

Can't wait!

Honey, I'm scared.

Me too. My tongue is jammy.

It's gotta be better than those baby duck livers and snails.

Now, I know I've had some misfires in the past, but

this time I definitely made something that everyone will love.

- Pizza! - Yeah, I'm sure it will be great, honey.

You can't mess up pizza.

Lord knows the Hawaiians really tried.

I just added one little ingredient from Iron Chef.

Uh-oh.

See if you guys can figure out

what the secret ingredient is.

Tar? Fire?

Magic marker? Very close.

Squid ink.

I think I'd rather eat the marker.

I know that the coloring's a little bit odd,

but the judges on Iron Chef said

that everything tastes better with squid ink.

Be sure to save a little bit of room

because there's squid ink apple pie in the freezer.

Don't you worry. We are definitely gonna save room.

How's it taste, Maw Maw?

I have no idea.

My taste buds have been dead for years.

At this point, it's all about

keeping the trains running on time.

See ya tomorrow, Mr. Pizza.

These flowers smell delicious, Sabrina.

Burt, smell these.

Mmm! Nothing smells better than fresh-cut flowers.

I struck out again, didn't I?

You're family, and we love you,

but your food experiments are sometimes just...

a little hoity-toilety.

You know what, you guys?

I just think you're being

a little bit closed-minded about this.

I think you hear the word squid ink

and you just assume

that somehow...

That tastes like a fish had a baby

with a copy machine in my mouth.

I don't know what you guys are talking about.

I don't think this is really that bad.

Oh, sure, Jimmy gets black all over his face,

everybody laughs.

I do it for Halloween, and it's a town incident.

Oh, hey, Virginia. Oh, wow, what's all that for?

Oh, I'm making angel hair pasta and hot dogs for dinner, mm-hmm.

I call it my "Hair of the Dogs." It's one of Burt's favorites.

Yeah, I totally love that.

I tried that once for a dinner party, but instead of hot dogs,

I got fancy and I used clams.

Tell me you didn't call it "Hair of the Clam."

Yeah, I didn't really think it through very well.

You shouldn't start out

all fancy schmancy with that stuff you only see on TV.

Yeah, it's just like I'm flying blind here, you know?

Growing up, the only thing I ever saw my mother serve

my father in the kitchen were divorce papers.

Growing up, the only thing that I ever saw

get baked in the kitchen was my mother.

Growing up, the only thing I ever say my mother do

in the kitchen was the pool boy.

Growing up...Sabrina... Yeah?

...do you want me to give you some cooking lessons?

Oh, my God, yeah. Okay.

Who the hell did that?

We should all be proud of our Sabrina.

We practiced all yesterday,

and this is her first solo

attempt at my "Ashes to Mashes, Dust to Crust" casserole.

And it is almost your recipe.

I just had to make one little change.

Oh... you made a change?

Yeah, I know I'm supposed to add the chip droppings, but I...

Dust. It's in the title.

You use the dust in the bottom of the bag.

Right, but Jimmy likes

to lick the chip dust out of our chip bags,

so I had to improvise.

Jimmy, please tell me you're poking holes in those bags

before you lick 'em.

When Barb was younger he got his head stuck

in a party-size bag and almost died.

I smelled barbecue and saw a bright light.

It was the scariest and most delicious moment of my life.

This is delicious.

Wow. This kinda tastes like food.

I think this is even better than Mom's.

Really? Better?

That's kind of a strong word, don't you think?

You know what else is a strong word? Oak.

Which is what I think this table is made out of.

Let's talk about oak for a while.

I gotta try this amazing new recipe.

Hmm. Different.

I don't know if I'd say "better."

Mine did win grand prize at the Natesville Hot Dish competition,

which is sort of like

the Nobel Peace Prize of food.

Sabrina, this is awesome.

I think this is the best casserole I've ever had.

Maybe it's cedar.

Cedar seems like a solid table-making wood.

Jimmy, it really is just your mother's recipe,

except for instead of chip dust,

I just ground up some old cereal.

Oh, is that all you added? Just cereal dust?

Whatever she did, it's amazing.

And I can't even imagine how good

it's gonna taste when I don't have gum in my mouth.

No, it says right here, "pine."

Boy, do I feel stupid.

See? I told you I could carry you all the way from home.

That was fun. We should do that more often.

Save a ton of money on gas.

Well, start carbo-loading 'cause you're my ride home.

Hey, guess who I signed up for the Hot Dish competition?

Is it Michael Hunt? 'Cause they're on to that joke.

No, no, no. I signed Sabrina up.

She's gonna carry on the family tradition.

Oak tree, ten o'clock.

Burt, that's a cardboard tree with elves making cookies.

Is it?

Barney, I'm coming out of retirement. Sign me up.

Oh, my. This is like when Rocky

came out of retirement

in Rocky III, Rocky IV, Rocky V and Rocky Balboa.

Technically, he didn't really come out

of retirement in Rocky V.

It was an unsanctioned street fight.

But I appreciate your excitement.

Mmm. Okay, that was interesting.

Moist, chewy.

I don't want to say soapy, t it had a quality to it.

Burt, you just took a bite out of a sponge I left on the table.

Hmm, better than I would have thought.

Here, let me feed these to you.

I made three casseroles. Each one has

a different new ingredient.

You veo tell me which is the best one.

Uh.

Oh, this one's unbelievable.

I don't think I'd call it a casserole. I'd call it

a kick-ass-erole. What's the new ingredient?

Oh, that's a secret.

If I learned one thing from Paula Deen

it's to keep my mouth shut.

You know, I was thinking we should get away next weekend.

I've always wondered what the big fuss was about Des Moines.

Are you crazy? The Hot Dish competition

is this weekend. Oh, you know what?

You're right. You're gonna have to drop out of that.

Hey, let's see what the weather is in Des Moines.

You're being weird. I'm starting

to think you don't want me

to be in this contest.

Let's see, weather for Iowa this weekend is thundersnow.

That should be interesting.

Burt. I'm behind you, Virginia.

If you don't want to be in this contest,

don't be in this contest.

I never said that!

Virginia, why didn't you tell me you were signing up

for the Hot Dish competition?

If you're in it, then I'm just gonna drop out.

Okay, than that's settled. Who wants to watch Robocop?

Nothing is settled.

Sabrina, you're not dropping out of the contest.

But don't you think it's gonna be a little bit weird

if we're both going up against each other?

No! This isn't about trying to win,

it's about community and everyone gets to taste each other's food.

It's just for fun.

Like the Super Bowl.

Okay, if you really don't mind, then I'll do it.

But here's the good news,

I'm really not very competitive, so...

Oh, please.

I'm, like, a hundred times less competitive than you.

What?

What? I didn't say anything.

I know you, Burt.

You only fake read when something's bothering you.

I'm not fake reading.

I'm actually interested in... debt ceilings. You think

we should get one of those?

We are not gonna buy a ceiling that puts us into debt.

Now tell me what is really bothering you,

or it's torture-tickle time.

Virginia, you're not gonna be able to...

It's nothing, really! I was just wondering

why you want to beat Sabrina so bad!

I don't need to beat her.

Tickle torture works both ways.

No! No! Why?! Why?! Why?!