Moone Boy

The boring old summer holidays were finally over.

and the dull damp autumn had arrived at last,

bringing with it that sweet smelling slanty rain,

enchanting early evenings and endless darkness.

What you doin, Love?

and, of course, Martin Moone's first day of secondary school.

Hi, Des. Morning, Delma.

Fist day of big school, Martin.

That's right Des, dipping my toe into the adult scene.

-Like a peckish shark. -Did you bring it?

-Kiss? -Gosh, the face, Geah.

What an eager shark, Des.

Excited by the prospect of a bigger boat.

Have you seen Jaws?

Can I have a lift too? Nope?

A lift? Who wants a lift?

I've been looking forward to this walk for three boring months, buddy.

This is an historic walk.

A new era, a new school, a new walk.

I think I'm just going to stick with my regular walk though.

Oh, alright, whatever, old school walk.

Boring

You jealous now. Your jealous of my new school walk.

You know, were running pretty late Marty.

Maybe we should ask these girls for directions.

I'm a man now, Sean!

I'm not asking directions from a bloody woman.

I know where I'm going. It's just around this corner.

You're one of the big green people now buddy.

You're like The Incredible Martin.

or The Jolly Green Martin. or Kermit the Martin.

I'm a grown up Green.

No room in my new school for childish maroon.

Wait wait, Isn't this your old school?

Flippit!

What are we listening to?

Oh, I made a mix tape of super tunes for the new school drive.

-Jesus and Mary Chain. -Brilliant.

-Heaven 17. -Classic.

-Maxi Priest. Sensing a theme. -Oh you got me.

It's my '80s mix.

-Thanks for the lift. -Wouldn't want my little Virgin Mary,

waddling all this way on her own, Yo.

Hey, You're not the first unmarried girl off the pole

at this school, and you won't be the last.

Shoot, that girl over there has under-aged conception written all over her.

-That's Trisha. -Well yeah, I know.

Think I'm gonna just keep a low profile.

And maybe no one will notice that I'm a big gigantic whale.

Stop that shat. At most, you are a normal sized whale.

I love you baby. You too, Delma.

-Trisha, where's Martin? -You don't know me.

Oh, Right. My mistake.

How could you get lost in Boyle? There's really just two streets!

That ridiculous one way system always throws me mam.

Oh, Hi Eamonn.

I'm afraid Martin here is late for his first day.

Sorry, Sir. I mean Your Honour.

Not to worry. Run along.

Can't believe he's starting big school already

Hope he'll be ok.

He'll be grand. Shoot, kids today basically school themselves.

-Do they though? -You don't suppose you've

ever been to Nairobi, Have you, Debra?

-Oh, em, no. -Supposed to be magical.

The Kenyans are such a furtive people.

Probably why they hid all that stuff in the pyramids.

Good holidays this year, eh?

Sigh, time of my life. Time of my feckin life!

Three best things about teaching Debrah.

-June, July & August. -Heh, good one.

Anyway, here we are, back at bloody school.

Yeah, speaking of which, I haven't seen any posters up

-for the back to school dance. -Yeah there's no dance this year.

Why's that? We always thought it was such a great way

to help the new kids settle in.

No major reason really. Just, no one wanted to organize it.

So we all got together and just decided not to bother.

-Well, that was a dynamic decision. -We're a dynamic bunch.

Well, see you later, Deb.

How you settling in? Did you get your welcome pack?

-There were welcome packs? -Well, they were mostly tampons.

It's weird being in a school with girls, isn't it?

Fortunately, I feel really at home here.

Whole place smells like lip gloss and bras posters .

Dad says women are like men

who've been hit in the head.

Look at them all, talking about periods, and scrunchies, and Patrick Swayze.

That's not all they talk about, Martin.

I was watching Patrick Swayze last night in "Dirty Dancing",

and I got my period, and it hurt like an overtightened scrunchie.

Hi, Niamh. Hi, Alison. Hi, Claire. Hi, other Claire.

-How do you know their names? -I don't.

I'm not going to let that stop me.

You have to exude confidence, man.

To be popular, you have to act popular.

How are you, Jimmy? Give your mother my love.

Who's Jimmy?

But hey, you have your sister to look after you.

Yeah, that's true. Hi, Sinead.

Hi, Sinead. Hi, Sinead. Hi, Sinead.

Yeah, this doesn't exude confidence.

See you at home, so.

So, enough about me. Let's talk about you.

That's good, swing them all way around.

Come on swing them, that's good, well done. 's good, Fiona.

Looks like you gave exercise a bit of a rest over the summer there, Delma.

-Yeah, suppose I did. -Seriously, you've kinda gotten fat.

You're not the only one. We've all put on a few pounds.

Yeah, I suppose.

Nobody more than you though.

Don't worry, at least I'll have your full focus on PE this year.

Cause in your state, none of the lads will be trying to distract you.

Come on. That's good, that's good. You alright?

Can't believe art is an actual class here.

Thought this was a proper school with proper subjects,

like woodwork and fighting.

Whoa, is that our teacher?

Hummina Hummina

-Not! Did I startle you? -Yes, you did.

Good! You should be startled.

You're in the bloody big school now. Art should startle!

That's why that says, startle.

That does say "stARTle".

What are your names? You.

Padraic O'Dwyer.

Not your given name. This isn't a police station, It's a creation station.

What's you real name!?

Padraic O'Dwyer. P ou D.

Pod...

I pod.

Ipod. That's weird. but, OK.

-You? -Butch Cassidy.

That's good. Be more original.

-Sundance Kid. -The Sundance Kid?

That's brilliant.

Come on, everybody shout out your name.

-Ipod. -Sundance Kid.

-Jack Charlton. -Rasputin!

-Terrence Trent Darby. -Hitler.

-Milli Vanilli. -Love them.

-Spartacus! -No, I am Spartacus!

-My given name is Miss Tivnan. -Yeah, but what should we call you?

You should call me Miss Tivnan.

Now, everyone, look under your desks. What's there?

There's something under our desks. Hey, we git it! We Won!

A big ball of Play-Doh.

-Look closer, Rasputin. -Hear anything?

What's inside it?

My, my one's just full of Play-Doh.

Genius. Genius is inside it, Ipod.

and all you have to do is let it out.

Genius is inside it. Kill it!

Do you want me to make something?

Oh, not just something, Ipod. Something called ART!

-You have just been arted! -My puberty just started.

I think I just farted.

Your in big school now, Sundance.

Anything could happen.

To either of us.

Things change quickly here. Which is why I'm now a mermaid.

-Mermaid. -Splishy Splashy

And now I'm riding a unicorn.

Ooh god, I wish I was a unicorn.

So, is that a face?

Stop trying to make sense of it, mom.

It's not a ting, it's an Art.

-So, not a face, ok. -Oh Heathen.

Anyway, how was your first day? Did ya meet any new friends?

I met a teacher. A beautiful mental teacher.

Who makes her own jewelry, and smells like glue and Chardonnay.

What about actual friends?

Does Padraic count?

No. You see, this is why you need the back to school dance.

You need an event,

to help break the ice and help make new friends.

Padraic is lovely. But it is also nice to have friends

who don't eat stones for money.

Hello Martin's school. -Eammon Conlon, please.

Not even Dessie is interested in me anymore.

Cause I'm so big, and fat, and pregnant.

Here you go, love. Eat your sadness away.

-Aloha! -Hi, Eammon. Debra Moone here.

-What? -Yeah, I'd like to talk about the dance again.

Any chance you could turn the Hawaiian music down a sec?

Jesus!

I wish. Sorry to disturb.

I didn't hear you coming in.

-Wearing my church shoes. -Oh, right. That's creepy.

Listen, you mind if I come in for a quick chat?

I suppose not. Take a seat, Dessie.

Well, um, Mr. Moone, as you know, Fidelma and I

recently sexually conceived a child.

-Yes, I'm aware of that. -The Lord