The Ape Woman (La donna scimmia)

THE APE WOMAN

- Also St. Theophilus, Mother. - Yes, that's right.

- Can we start, Father? - I can never remember your name.

- Antonio, like St. Anthony. - How nice.

Press this button to use the megaphone.

See?

- All set? - Excuse me, Father...

- May I say a few words? - Yes, Mother Superior.

Dearest seniors... Don't take off your hats, you'll get cold.

You'll now see pictures of the missionary father,

then you will present the tinfoil and postage stamps

we collected to aid the poor black children.

My dears...

My dears... these images that you're about to see

are evidence of an apostolate,

painful, glorious, but necessary.

God weeps as long as there is one pagan on the earth.

- Quiet! Silence! - God weeps for the pagans!

Hey! Silence, this is a serious slide show.

Silence. Quiet!

Next one, next! - Right away, Father.

A missionary with a beautiful black gal!

Look at that!

Look at the scary people!

Being a missionary ain't bad!

Silence!

That's a good camera. German. I had one like it, I bought it in Monte Carlo.

But this one's in better condition.

- - Rossi. - What?

- Know how to work this? - Of course.

I've used more complicated devices.

Well then, I'm going to get some food.

- You take over then. - Go ahead.

- Do these next. - Don't worry, I'll handle it.

The missionary father is next.

Bloody!

Reflect on what I'm saying. Bloody!

Excuse me. May I? Hello.

Anna.

- Hello. - Who are you?

- The projectionist. - Who sent you?

- Mother Superior for luncheon. - What's "luncheon"?

- Food. - We're still cooking.

- Self service. I'll do it myself. - Peppers, potatoes, fish

- I don't like fish. What's this? - Help yourself.

- There's grilled meat too. - Mind if I taste it?

- Too hot. - Grilled meat, have some.

If Mother Superior sent you, eat up.

Yes, thanks. You carry on working, I'll serve myself.

Stop staring and chop! Antonia, finish cleaning, hurry.

- Some bread, please. - Here.

Is that cheese? Let me have a taste.

- Here's the bread, it's good. - Just a bit.

- We have lots. - I'd love some wine.

- Without wine, I can't eat. - Of course, I'm sorry.

Shut off the stove!

- Shoo! Hasn't he eaten? - He's a baby...

He only drinks milk.

- Your wine. - Thanks.

- Make room for him. - Sunday I'll take you dancing.

I'm married with 10 children. If my husband heard you, he'd kill you.

Impressive. You can still dance if you have 10 children!

We'll go dancing.

- With my friend too. - I'll take you all out.

- Dance the polka. - The polka?

- That's old-fashioned now. - Oh well

- I'll teach you the Hully Gully. - I know it, but she...

You know it? Good!

We'll bring your friend too... Right, miss?

Miss, hear me?

Don't you want to come dancing on Sunday?

Is she deaf? Miss, I'm talking to you.

Who do you think you are, Sophia Loren?

Come here.

She has hair all over her body and her face.

- Her mother is crazy. - Crazy?

Be quiet! Sshh...

All hairy?

- It can't be that bad. - She thinks so.

Hairy woman, virtuous woman.

Look what you've done!

Now she's crying because of you.

- What did I do? - She's crying.

I didn't know it would offend her. Miss, I apologize.

- Miss. - She's crying now.

Miss.

Miss, I'm sorry.

I didn't know it would offend you. I apologize.

- Will you forgive me? - Yes.

Now that I have apologized, can I see you?

Come on, don't be a baby. I'll stay here all night.

- You can't hide all night. - Show him your face.

Leave me alone.

She's under my protection.

- What is your name? - Maria.

Maria, show me your face. Just for a second.

You must be kidding. I didn't see anything.

Let me get a good look.

Why are you taking such liberties? We don't know each other.

Turn around and let me see.

I was expecting something much worse.

It's just a bit of beard, nothing else.

I've seen much worse.

It's not worth interrupting my meal for that.

See, he's not terrified.

He's affectionate, he likes you.

He'll marry you...

She has hairy hands too.

Her body's hairy too, like an ape.

Like this...

Why are you crying?

Am I terrifying you? Listen up...

Who has a beard, you or me?

So I'm the one who should be afraid.

Why are you running away? Mind your own business!

Stop it! Be quiet, come on.

I won't hurt her. Turn around.

Let me see. Why are you crying?

- Here, blow. - You're bad.

Blow your nose. Blow.

- You're a unique person. - I am an orphan.

I have some ideas whirling in my mind...

You're beautiful, stupendous.

Come into the light so I can see you better.

- How old are you? - I don't know.

- You don't know? - No.

- You've been here long? - I don't know.

Wouldn't you like to get out of here? Be honest...

- No, I've never gone anywhere. - Why not?

Because you're ashamed and... Can you leave us alone?

We're having a serious talk.

I have a room here, I eat every day...

You're here because you don't know where to go.

I'll make sure you're not ashamed anymore. Look at me.

Wouldn't you like to live like others and leave with me?

I know you'd like that. You're lucky you met a genius like me.

I'm a genius, understand?

- I'll help you get out of here. - But...

Do you know what an artist is? - But I'm happy here!

Peeling potatoes? - I can't go out!

Why not? I'll turn you into an artist.

People will want your autograph and will admire you.

I'm an entrepreneur. Do you know the Equine Brothers?

I was their manager.

Antonio!

Antonio!

Coming!

Hold your horses!

I brought the tree but these wretches won't let me through.

- What is all this stuff? - Ma'am, please.

- What is this? - That's my business.

Do your job and I'll do mine.

- Where are you putting this tree? - In my garage.

Talk one at a time, please!

- Talk to me. - Okay.

- Where are you putting this tree? - Live and let live!

What does live and let live mean?

I'll explain if you let me speak.

Are we talking about tax stamps and excises?

- We're all above board. - Shall I go to the precinct?

Shall I summon the sergeant? Let the tree through.

Come on...

- What the hell! - Come on. Make way!

Hear me? This area is full of money, millions!

Don't worry. Go on.

- Like it, Antonio? - Come on.

Careful, nice and easy!

Antonio, 20,000 liras! Look at those beautiful branches!

- 20,000 liras! - Yes, I understand.

Lower the trunk!

Stop!

- Put the tree in the hole. - Give me 20,000 liras first.

- Where's my 20,000 liras? - Don't you trust me?

- Trust is optional. - Put the tree there.

Alright, put it there.

Don't break the branches. It's important.

Maria, Maria.

Get up, the tree's here.

Maria?

What are you doing? Don't peel potatoes in the morning.

And don't cover yourself. I'm used to it by now.

- I'm ashamed. - There's no need to be.

The tree's here, let's get to work.

Give me 20,000 liras.

- I have nothing. - Don't be silly.

I know you have money hidden under the bed.

- I have nothing, I swear. - You're so pigheaded.

For every 1,000 liras you invest, you'll earn 10,000.

Don't you trust me?

How do you know I have money under the bed?

I know everything, my dear.

Give me the money, they're waiting.

I'll give it to you, but if you throw me out

I can't return to the home without money...

Why would I throw you out? Nonsense...

We have to work, that's all. Another 10,000 liras.

We have to practice your act.

What are you making with those peeled potatoes?

- Minestrone. - Good.