Workaholics

Hey, old-timer.

Forget something?

Ohh, you forgot the staples.

Oh, we truly are the main office pranksters, aren't we?

This turned out amazing.

You're a genius, Bill.

Why isn't this cutting?

Oh, no.

Uh, what's the matter, Bill?

Did someone dull the paper cutter?

Ahh!

What the hell is this?

Uh, what do you mean?

It's a coffee pot. Is that not coffee in there?

Oh, is there not coffee?

Actually, Ders, don't you mean flat Dr. Pepper pot?

Because we put flat Dr. Pepper in a coffee pot and switched it.

We pwn'd you!

Y'all ain't funny.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God. I can't breathe.

I can't breathe. It's too funny.

Oh, it's too good of a prank. I can't breathe.

No, Adam. It's not even a contest.

The monkey would bite the Rock's dick off.

What if he wore a muzzle?

Wait, on his dick?

No, on his face.

Muzzle... although that's a good idea, muzzle on your dick.

I want to wear one on mine.

Okay, wait, you've completely changed the question

at this point.

Yeah, that's not what we're talking about.

What is this?

Okay, now I'm looking at the top of page three:

"Unapproved attire includes halter tops,

shirts with spaghetti straps, biker shorts...

No wonder this office sucks.

I mean, we've got Bill hiring all these old fogies.

Mm-hmm, I mean, this place could be like... like Coachella.

- Oh, that would be sick. - Right?

Like, sexy young thangs wearing, like,

kind of racist Indian headdresses

- Really racist. - You know?

Yes, they're racist, but they look hot.

Is it racist if it's hot? That's the question.

What if we had some hip youngsters in here, you know?

We could, like, talk about viral videos or, like,

fashion trends or, like, totally be kept up with the Kardashians,

which I've been wanting to get kept up on.

All I'm saying is, we should be the ones running the train...

trainee... trainee's...

oh, I've never seen that word before.

That is a weird word.

New Employees Bagel Bash.

Here's me at mine.

Okay, thank you, Bill.

We will take it from here, all right?

Hey, my name is Adam, the top sales dog,

or at least pretty high up there, DeMamp,

and these are my associates.

Howdy, I'm Blake, and you are probably thinking,

"What is going on here?"

Well, this ain't your

granddaddy's orientation anymore.

- No, it's not. - What are you doing?

Alice said I could do this.

Alice said that you were really bad at your job, Bill,

and that you're suspended for a week and you should go home now

and not even talk to her about it.

I can't go home now.

My roommate gives tap-dancing lessons to seven-year-old

fart boxes all day.

This sucks! Ahh!

Okay, you're embarrassing yourself, Bill.

- Oh, okay, all right. - That was loud.

- Jeez. - I didn't feel safe, you know?

- It was scary. - Yeah, yeah.

He should go give screaming lessons to seven-year-olds.

I didn't... I didn't like that. I didn't like that either.

And now it's just us, guys. Let's get comfortable.

Why don't we pull out the index ca

in your pamphlet there, okay?

Take a pen or a thick marker and write your age on that card

and hold it up nice and high so we can see.

Great call. Uh-oh.

Wow, that once says four. Yikes.

Four, four, a couple fours.

Oh, I like these three right there with the twos.

Yes, and yes.

Absolutely not. Sit your ass down.

Because you have a three as your first letter in your number.

- Ew, 35? - Mm-mm.

Yeah, that's really bad.

Okay, so if my friend Adam here pointed to you,

why don't you come on up, tell us a little bit about yourself,

what makes you tick.

Yo, what's up? Salute. Dab.

What's up, guys? My name's Colt.

22, young, fit, black, kind of into bacon lately.

It's my thing.

- All right. - All right, like that.

Suh. I'm Leila, wish I was black,

and all bacon e'rythang.

Sure.

I'm Mykyl with two Ys.

I'm white, but sensitively, I am racially colorblind.

That's tight.

I... I'm a vegan, except for bacon, of course.

Well, now that they said their part, now is your part.

Please get up and leave. You're fired. I'm sorry.

- You are fired. - Yeah, we're good.

Bye-bye. Bye. Sorry about that.

- This way. - Yep.

This is blatant ageism.

You might be too old to understand what we were saying.

I'm saying you're fired, 'cause you're too old, okay?

- Buh-bye. - you.

- Oh. - How's that for old?

- Oh, okay. - Oh, okay.

I liked her suit, though.

- What a second. - Ohh.

Wow.

Guys, guys, guys.

What does your card say there?

69.

Is that your actual age?

Yes.

Are you kidding me? I've never met one.

- I've never met one. - Yeah, it's crazy.

So, like, do you what, like, 69, like means?

The sexual term?

Oh, dude, this dude's a freak.

- You nasty. - It is sexual.

That's a hilarious age.

Okay, I think, yeah, you can stick around,

and from now on, you're name is 69 Man.

You're 69 Man, dude. That's your nickname.

My name is Jerry.

Hey, Blake, it's Anders.

Hey, are you over there on your phone pretending like you're on

a super-important call?

Yes, I am, actually.

I look like I'm working very hard,

but really I'm just talking to my friends and horsing around.

Hey, Blake and Anders, it's Adam,

and I'm doing what you guys just explained that we're doing.

- Right. - So shut up, Mom.

I'm talking to my friends, okay?

Oh, so you are talking to somebody.

- Shut up. Shut up. - No, you shut up.

You're... you're a disrespectful bitch, okay?

You also get long-distance calls.

Sick life hack.

- Yeah. - Hacksaw Jim Duggan.

- Yeah. - I think we done with work.

And right now, I think it's time to do what we came here to do,

and that is... uh-oh, I got an itch.

Oh.

And that itch is to prank.

No, I want the one with the hot tub.

It's the honeymoon suite, okay?

- And I'm gonna fill that tub up... - Yo, Tez.

Your car is getting towed.

Oh, my God. Not again.

Colleen is gonna beat my ass

if I don't bring this Chinese food home tonight.

What the hell is going on?

You don't get it?

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah.

Dude, your car is horn-y... beep-beep...

so I'm toe-ing it.

I ain't got no time for this bullshit.

It's too hot out here. It's too hot for this.

- What? - Oh, he just got pranked.

That is just an example of, you know,

some of the pranks we pull on a regular basis around here.

Just one of the many, really.

But sometimes we've got to get real, just like you guys,

and set some boundaries, some rules.

Number one rule, no snitching, not to Alice, nobody.

And that's true, 'cause snitches get...

- Stitches. - Put in a body bag, right?

'Cause we will frickin' murder a snitch.

- Yeah, yeah, stop... - So no snitches.

'Cause snitches are...

Big old pieces of shit.

- They are. - We don't like 'em.

Well said.

Oh, and one more for Michael with two Ys,

because he's inquisitive.

But seriously, guys, nothing like a hot-roof beer

after pulling a cold-blooded prank.

It was cold-blooded.

It is the absolute best.

Oh, Jesus, dude. That is super hot.

It's like soup.

Yeah, well, they've been on the roof for a week, so...

- Yeah. - It's still good.

Guys, I'd like to propose a toast, if you don't mind.