Miranda

Well, bonjour to vous!

That's the sort of sophisticated patter

you'll get from a woman who's still got a boyfriend!

Though elegance in the world of romance eludes me.

Oh, wow, look. A robin, lovely.

But I'm proving myself a good lady-woman for Mike.

Pssst...

Well, I don't want to lose him. He's great.

But Operation Maintain Dignity

means a suppressed silliness bursts out at inappropriate moments.

Now close your eyes.

Breathe...

in...

and out.

Relaxed.

Peaceful and calm.

And open your...

But generally, I'm sophisticated girlfriend personified.

I know this because, A - I now own a pashmina.

And B - I've stopped giggling when people say "sausage."

Can you sign these?

Oh, look at this place!

Do you know, one night without Mike and the real you explodes.

Well, I'm not ready for him to know that I make fruit friends.

And new Vegetapals.

Meet Mr Butternut.

Oh, hello to you!

I don't want that to put him off.

And what are you wearing?

I happen to be sporting an elasticated culotte.

Because you're a PE teacher from 1987?

Cos I've got nothing else left to wear. Washing machine's broken.

Do you want a round of swing muffin?

Of course.

Good luck!

Ooh! Ooh!

Hello? Oh! It's Mike!

Oh...

Glee box set!

Hide it!

Modern Art! That's nice.

Oh! Fruit friends! Fruit friends!

My taxi was going past and I just, er...

Oh, I've missed you! Oh!

Well, I've... I've missed you too.

I just came to get a glimpse, really, I...

I'll come down. Pass my pashmina.

No.

It's my chic look!

What...?

What's that?

That is Stevie's.

Yeah, it's mine. Well, it's my friend's.

I'm looking after it while she's away, she didn't want to...

leave him in a kennel.

Ooh!

Do you want to play a game?

I'm working.

Oh, come on. We could play "What cereal am I?"

Or "Can we fit Stevie in a pillowcase?"

Oh...

Sorry.

Ooh!

My pants have gone, er... northwards.

Ooh! Specifically, north-north-east.

Sorry.

Sorry.

Oh, this is a public space!

Sorry, but I washed these last pair of pants in the dishwasher,

and it sort of melted them.

It was resourceful!

Ooh, dear, no...

It's getting really uncomfortable now, actually.

I'm going to have to take my pants off.

Oh!

Sorry, sir, I didn't see you and immediately think,

"I must take my pants off."

I'm not being lewd.

Do excuse me.

Excuse me.

Ooh!

No, I'm not sure about this going-commando business.

Ooh, no, that feels wrong. I'm so sorry.

I'm a culotte incident away from moonery. Careful!

How you think you're fit for the adult world of relationships

is beyond me.

For that statement, I find myself begging your pardon.

You're pretending to be someone you're not when you're with Mike,

then one night without him, you're a child again,

and the notion of not wearing pants is hilarious.

Just popping your maturity on the end of my flagpole.

You're just jealous, Miss Singletypops!

I'm a functioning adult in a mature relationship.

Darling...

I've got your bed sheets.

I ironed the Knight Rider duvet

because David Hasselhoff was looking peculiar.

All Penny does is sort out your life.

Excuse me, Little Miss Oompa Loompa.

I have a very busy life.

I'm having work done on my kitchen. There are lunches, rotas...

This week I'm on the rota rota for Rotary.

I only did these because Miranda has to find a new plumber.

It's just down 'ere, guvnor, mate, me friend, awright?

D'you want a brew? 'Jestive?

OK, love, let's just quickly seal this crack, shall we?

Right, I'm to have a mature, adult day about town,

fully commando.

Actually, I'm beginning to enjoy the freedom now.

Oh, it's fabulous!

I've been pantless since...

Don't say that.

I skinny-dipped with Christopher Plummer-ed-me-thrice.

Such fun!

I'll never recover.

Ooh!

Ooh, that's breezy!

How do you negotiate the frozen food aisles?

Serious woman.

I'm not wearing any pants. Enjoy your meatballs.

Hi, Gary. Hi, Rose. Hey.

Where did you put the muslins, Papa Bear?

What's going on? Well, I was meant to be babysitting for Chris and Alison,

but I've got this urgent loan application I've got to fill out. Tell her.

He's buying the restaurant!

Wow, that's so exciting, Gary!

Thank you. Congrats, babe.

Thanks, darling.

See you later.

You're sure you can't help us, Gary?

Well, hello? Babysitter.

Ah, well, hello? Responsibility.

Hello, rude.

We're... We're having a little bosom leakage.

Ooh, still breastfeeding.

Well, nothing beats mother's latte.

So, good news...

Miranda's offered to baby-sit.

Oh!

Well...

We're desperate.

Er... It's only a couple of hours. It's a hospital appointment.

She's got to have a scrape.

Ooh, right, OK.

Now, that's the kind of word you should mouth, all right?

"Scrape."

We want to try for another. MIGHT try for another.

Only I can speak for my vagina. Why?!

Why?

You're going to have fun with Auntie Miranda.

We've booked a music session at the soft play centre.

So, nappies, wipes, spare wipes, er... Mr Boo Boo.

Now, come on, dumpling!

Thank you. You're a lifesaver.

Ooh!

Nearly snogged there. Yes.

Right, OK.

Sophisticated lady coming through.

Ooh! Madam!

We're going to have fun, aren't we, little...

Perhaps my pashmina's got stuck in...

I think that it's stuck...

My turn? Er...

Dolphin.

Out of the box.

With a...

Chhhhh...

here, and a... ..there...

Here a...

there a Chhhhh...

everywhere a...

Chhhhh... Chhhhh...

Move up, move up!

Oh!

Ohh, me back's gone.

Oh, all right, OK! Kids backing up.

Oh, you stink!

This is the only way down.

But my back. I can't and I'm scared.

I'm sorry, I just...

Ooh!

Ooh, my God!

Oh, my back!

Oh!

Yes, yes, I...

Yes, I think we ought to be able to ease that.

So, if you'd like to get down to your bra...

Bra and vest and pants, and then, um...

I'll pop back in a moment.

No pants!

Yes, 20 mg of Voltarol should do the trick.

And tell her that I'll speak to her when I've seen my patient.

Ohh, my!

Oh! Oh, right!

You do need the paper on the couch.

I presumed it was there for origami.

Hence the origami pants-slash-nappy.

Has anyone ever done you a swan, or...?

No, you're the first patient who's done origami.

Well, it's a happy day for us both, then, isn't it?