Brockmire

You'd probably really like my ex-wife.

I mean, most people do.

Well, most men do.

With hindsight, Lucy and I probably should have

gotten to know each other better.

You know, the only things we had in common

were high sex drives and our firm belief

in the film career of David Caruso.

Both of those caused us just years of heartbreak.

All of which couldn't have been avoided

with just a couple of more sober dates like this one.

Yeah.

This is a really sober date.

Just the soberest.

Isn't it?

Two people out enjoying each other

on a bright, sunny afternoon.

So unbelievably sunny.

Are you sweating from every pore as well?

Yes.

Maybe it's the aerodynamics of this bike?

I feel like we're pedaling an IMAX screen.

Well, would you like to, uh,

as the kids say, uh...

pull over and park?

Uh, really? Ooh.

I feel like I'm... every inch of me is sticky.

But sure, yeah, let's make out at 11:00 a.m.

- Yeah? - Yeah.

- What the heck, right? - Okay.

Look, I've been dying for you to make a move for weeks.

But it's way too hot for any form of physical embrace.

Agreed. So, uh...

Well, just lips and tongue then.

- Sure. - Okay.

Uh...

- Okay, I'm calling it. - We really tried!

We did. We tried.

I caught that broadcast you and Gabby did.

- Yeah? - That was, uh... unique.

Well,

we got some nice think pieces out of it.

Also some pretty strong backlash,

but then there was a pretty big backlash

to the backlash.

- So... - Hey, listen.

You two broadcast a spring training game

and made people give a shit.

They should pin a goddamn medal on both of you.

I told the Oakland brass

my dying wish is that

you and Gabby take over the TV booth.

Well, boy, Matt, I appreciate that gesture,

but I really wish you would not talk like that.

What? Dying wish?

That's just something you say from a hospital bed

to get what you want.

Got me that pallet of Dunkaroos.

- Holy shit. - Yeah.

Those things are discontinued.

I mean, it's like I'm eating dodo eggs.

Hey.

- Hey, Jim. - Hey, Maggie.

Thank you.

I didn't know you'd be here today.

I am.

How... how are you?

- Good. - Excellent.

- Thank you. - Oh, well, laters.

Mm-hmm.

Wow.

I was gonna ask how the date went,

but it's pretty clear you did not dunk your roo.

Did not.

Yeah, I... she's the first person

I've ever tried to be with in sobriety.

You know, I have absolutely no clue

how to convince somebody

to have sex with me without the aid of alcohol.

You just need practice.

Here, I'll help you.

Come on. Try and fuck me.

No. No, no.

No, I take role play very seriously.

Neither of us are in the proper wardrobe,

and my wig guy is still in Baltimore, so...

What... what are you afraid of?

Come on. Don't be a pussy.

I'm already in bed half naked,

Come on, see if you can get your dick sucked.

- Make a move. Let's go. - Uh, all right.

Hey, hey.

Jeez, what... get... No!

- Ew! Gross. Pass! - Come on.

Just grabbing a handful of titty?

I'm not your whore, Brockmire.

Try it again.

Remember I'm a goddamn lady.

Hang on. You got a little eyelash there.

Hold on.

Oh, I see. You're doing "eyelash"?

- Are you kidding me? - What?

What are you, the Fonz?

- Oh, all right. - Do I look like Pinky Tuscadero?

Get out of 1974, you desperate hack.

God, you're terrible at this!

I told you that I was.

Look. All right. Let's just try this.

This'll be another unique experience for you.

Be honest.

Tell her you want her

to take your sober virginity,

but you're scared.

The vulnerability angle worked great for me

when I first got diagnosed with cancer.

Got a ton of ass.

Weren't you still married to Meegan

when you were first diagnosed?

Yeah, we had one of those marriages

where we both agreed to be terrible people.

I had one of those.

Well, she had that agreement.

So you ready to go get dinner?

You know, before we go out,

do you mind if I take a shower?

I came here straight from work.

- Here? - Mm-hmm.

- Now? - Yeah.

Yeah, sure. Go right ahead.

There's towels and stuff in there.

Okay.

So I'll just be naked in there

should you need anything.

It'd be weird if you weren't.

I mean, wouldn't it?

Yeah.

Okay.

Am I missing something?

- Whoa! - Oh!

I forgot Clemenza was in there.

So sorry about that.

It's all right. You can shower with him.

He likes to wet his little toesies.

Just... if he starts nipping at you, he's not kidding around.

That's his one flaw. He lacks a sense of humor.

Uh, can you get him out of here?

Oh, of course.

My bad. I am so sorry.

Come on, Clemenza.

Not nice to scare the nice lady.

It's not funny.

You know, I've been looking for the right moment

to talk to you about our whole deal here.

The thing is, I've never had a relationship sober.

Boy, I've never even had sex sober.

Yeah, come to think of it,

I don't think I have ever seen a naked woman...

Say, how are you?

'Cause that...

I like every bit of that.

Shut up and kiss me, please.

Absolutely.

Mm.

Hey, before we get into this, I have a confession to make.

I used to listen to your podcast all the time.

I just... I didn't want you to see me as some weird groupie.

Oh, no. I love groupies.

No, seriously.

They guarantee that at least one person

in this relationship likes me.

All those stories you used to tell

about your sexual exploits around the world...

- Yeah. - Really turned me on.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

Well, then allow me to introduce you

to a veritable buffet of sexual delights.

A smorgasbord of orgasm-inducing delicacies

from around the globe.

I'm talking about the Chi-Town Get-Down.

A Thousand and One A-Labian Nights.

Ooh, the Bangkok Bang Cock.

The Bangkok Tangkok.

Now, that last one, that involves

us going to the store to get Tang.

But, uh, it's worth it.

Hey.

- Nothing's happening down there. - I know.

Is everything okay?

My penis normally jumps up,

like a rambunctious golden retriever

on his way to the park.

Could I give it a try myself?

- Sure. - I call this maneuver.

"Billy Joel's the Stranger."

See, 'cause I go in lefty.

Okay.

Um...

- I have an idea. - Yeah.

I'd like to take my penis and fold it in half

and just kind of jam it on in there with my thumb