Repo Man

Let me see your driver's license.

From out of town?

What you got in the trunk? - You don't want to look in there.

Give me the keys!

Kevin, stop singing. - I wasn't singing.

I'm right next to you, and you're singing. Cut it out!

Why so tense? - Otto! - Mr. Humphries!

You were late again this morning. Normally, I'd let it go,

but it's been brought to my attention, you're not stacking cans properly.

Many young men of your age, in these uncertain times...

Otto! Are you paying attention?

He's talking to you!

Fuck you!

Good Lord!

Come on, just try it!

Come on! - You gotta love getting fired in a big way, Otto!

What are you laughing at?

Louie, throw him out too. - Come on, you worm!

Get out of here!

How you doing, dude? When did you get out of the slammer?

Excuse me while I fold my pants.

What's the difference?

Otto! - What? - Get me another beer.

Cool. Ow, dammit. A joke's a joke, but I'm supposed to be the host!

Debbi, honey, I got your beer.

Shit.

Just ignore him, Duke, he's just a big baby.

Turn the light out! Hey, this is my parents' room!

Don't wanna talk about anything else.

We don't wanna know.

We're just dedicated

to our favorite shows:

"Saturday Night Live",

"Monday Night Football",

"Dallas", "Jeffersons",

Gilligan's Island, "Flintstones".

Hey kid! Hey!

Are you hard of hearing? - What? - You want to make 10 bucks?

Fuck you, queer! - Wait, you got the wrong idea!

My old lady is real sick. I got to get her to the hospital, OK?

So what? Take her there. - I can't leave her car in this area.

I need some helpful soul to drive it for me.

She's pregnant. Twins! She could drop at any time.

How much do I get? - 15 bucks. - Won't do it for less than 20.

25.

Follow me in my old lady's car. It's right here. - All right.

Where is your old lady? - Never mind, let's get out of this bad area.

Come on!

Dad, come quick, a gringo's messing with your car!

Let's go!

Son of a bitch! Give me my car back!

Bastard, I'll kill you!

You know damn straight what I mean. It's right outside.

Took me two weeks to get this money. - That ain't your car.

Don't let him lie to you. - Shut up!

Do I have to go to your house and shove your dog's head down the toilet?

Take it easy, sonnyboy. - Shut up, rent-a-cop!

Best goddamned car on the lot. - Damn right it is.

What's happening, mama, want a lift? - No thanks.

With no Cadillac, you sleep in a tent. - Shut up, Plettschner.

Bud, what street was that car on?

I don't know, some alley. Hey kid, what street was the Cutlass on?

I don't know. What happened to your old lady?

Old lady? Shit! I forgot all about her.

She'll take the bus. She's a rock.

Come on in.

Marlene!

Got a name, kid?

It's Otto.

Auto parts?

Here, kid!

"Helping Hand".

Got a driver's license, honey? Let me see it.

Guess who told us where it was? Your damned brother!

Are you really 21? - Isn't that what it says?

Want some help with that beer, kid?

You're all repo men! - What if we are?

You know, kid, usually when someone pulls shit like that,

my first reaction is to punch his fucking lights out.

But you know what?

You're all right!

Right, Lite? - Got any messages for me, baby? - Here you go.

Cracks me up.

Somebody piss on the floor again? - Maybe he's looking for a job.

Could be. What do you say, kid? We're always looking for good men.

Screw that! I ain't gonna be a repo man. No way!

Too late! You already are.

You find one in every car.

You'll see.

Years ago I saw five cows mutilated. Legs sticking up in the air.

Their testicles were gone.

I think Canadian bacon is better myself.

I've never seen the likes of that.

What could've done that to him?

Gasoline?

Napalm? - It happens sometimes.

People just explode. Natural causes. - What?

SUSPECT PRESENCE ON WESTCOAST CONFIRMED.

LOCATE IMMEDIATLY, NO POLICE.

Night watchman in Pomona.

Asbestos worker, City of Industry.

French-fry maker, Agoura. How absurd. - Yeah? You think it's funny?

There's room to move as a fry cook. I could be manager in two years.

King! God!

Kevin, I had this wild dream the other night. - I bet.

It was you and me,

we were working in this sleazy motel, down in Miami, Florida.

We were bellhops,

and we were 65 years old. It was so real, it was really realistic.

Then what, you woke up in a puddle?

Fuck you! - Fucking jerk!

Where are you going, asshole? - Away from you.

The Lord has told me personally: Yea,

for I walk with the Lord. Amen.

He said: "Larry, you and your flock shall seek the Promised Land.

First you must destroy the twin evils

of godless communism abroad and liberal humanism at home. Oh joy."

Hello mother! Hello father! Anything to eat?

Occasionally a viewer writes to us:

"The only reason Reverend Larry is on TV is because he wants your money."

You know what? They're right. I want your money, because God wants it.

So go out and mortgage that home, and sell that car,

and send me your money. You don't need that car...

Put it on a plate, son. You'll enjoy it more.

I couldn't enjoy it any more, Mom.

This is swell!

Hey Dad... - What is it, son?

Remember when you told me, a long time ago...

well not too long ago...

that you'd give me 1000 dollars to go to Europe, if I finished school?

You were right,

about finishing school. That's what I'd like to do.

But I want to know if I could have the money first. Like now?

I've always loved you, Dad.

You too, Mom. What do you say?

I don't have it anymore.

What? - Your father gave all our extra money to the Reverend.

We're sending bibles to El Salvador.

And me? - You're on the honor roll of "Chariots of Fire". Same as us.

It was a gift. From all of us.

So how much do I get paid? 25 bucks a car? - Paid? You don't get paid.

You work on commission, that's much better.

Most cars are worth 200 - 300 dollars.

A 50,000 dollar Porsche might make you five grand.

Come on, dickhead!

It helps if you dress like a detective.

Detectives dress kind of square.

If people think you're a cop, they think you're packing something.

Then they won't fuck with you.

Are you? - Am I what? - Packin' something.

Only an asshole gets killed for a car.

The guys who make it get in their car at any time.

Get in at 3 AM, get up at 4.

That's why there ain't a repo man I know that don't take speed.

Speed, huh?

Jesus Christ!

Never broke into a car, never hot-wired a car.

I never broke into a trunk.

I shall not cause harm to a vehicle, or the personal contents thereof.

Nor through inaction, let vehicle or personal contents come to harm.

That's what I call the repo code, kid.

Don't forget it. Etch it in your brain.

Not many people got a code to live by anymore.

Look at those assholes over there!

Ordinary people. I hate them. - Me too! - What do you know?

An ordinary person spends his life avoiding tense situations.

A repo man spends his life getting into tense situations.

Let's go get a drink.

Get into 5 or 6 tense situations a day

and it don't mean shit. I've seen men stabbed, guns... don't mean shit!

That's when you got to watch yourself. I'll handle it, pal, settle down.

Have a nice day, or night. Day, night, it doesn't mean shit.

Wasn't that Otto? - Otto who?

There'll be some bad shit coming down one day.

Yeah, and where will you be? On the moon?

I'm going to be right here, heading north at 110 per.

In this junker?

Cool car!

The Rodriguez Brothers!

Motherfucker just flipped you off! - Roll the window down!

Where you going, asshole? - To fuck your wife!

Watch it, motherfucker! - Fuck you, pussy punk!

Holy shit!

Want me to take them?

That was cool!

God damned dipshit Rodriguez gypsy dildo punks!

I'll get your asses!

That was intense! - A repo man's always intense.

Come on, let's go get a drink!

Gee Bud, you never told me it was going to be like this.

Cops and robbers!

Real live car chases!

Debbi! - If you say our names, we'll have to kill them, Archie.

They all ran away! - Come on, douche bags!

Awful quiet in here.

Too quiet.

Who are these Rodriguez Boys?

Rodriguez Brothers. Lagarto and Napoleon.

Notorious delinquents, responsible for at least 30 vehicles in the field.

Scumbags! - They ain't scumbags, they're car thieves, just like us.