Roseanne

WHAT DID THE DOCTOR SAY?

LET'S NOT TALK ABOUT IT RIGHT NOW.

OH, MY GOD, IT'S CANCER!

YOU'RE 44, AND YOU HAVE CANCER.

IT'S NOT CANCER.

IT'S JUST A LITTLE CYST IN MY ARMPIT.

IT'S LIKE A BIG PIMPLE.

YOU'RE 44, AND YOU HAVE A PIMPLE!

IT'S GOING TO BE O.K.

I JUST HAVE TO RUB CREAM ON IT DAILY AFTER I...

PREPARE THE AREA.

PREPARE THE AREA HOW?

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO?

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO START WASHING, ARE YOU?

I HAVE TO SHAVE OFF ALL THE HAIR UNDER MY ARMS.

OH, HONEY, IT'S YOUR VERY FIRST LADY SHAVER.

PRETTY SOON YOU'LL START GETTING MONTHLY VISITS FROM YOUR FRIEND.

CUT IT OUT.

BAD ENOUGH I GOT TO SHAVE LIKE A WOMAN.

THEY SAY IT'S BEST TO LIVE AS A WOMAN FIRST

BEFORE YOU HAVE THE OPERATION.

CUT IT OUT!

DON'T TELL ANYBODY ABOUT THIS.

SOME THINGS ARE BEST LEFT BETWEEN A HUSBAND AND A WIFE.

GREAT. WHICH ONE DO YOU WANT TO BE?

HEY, KIDS!

DINNER!

ISN'T D.J. EATING?

NO. HE'S STAYING OVER AT A FRIEND'S HOUSE,

AND I LIKE HIM TO BE GOOD AND HUNGRY

WHEN HE'S GETTING FREE FOOD.

MOM, MARK IS REALLY SICK.

WHEN ARE WE FIXING THE UPSTAIRS BATHROOM

SO HE DOESN'T HAVE TO COME DOWN HERE?

SOON AS WE FINISH THE GUITAR-SHAPED SWIMMING POOL.

MAN, THIS THING I GOT IS THE WORST.

I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING TO DIE.

WOULDN'T YOU JUST BE MORE COMFORTABLE

SITTING ON MY PLATE?

MOM, I START SCHOOL TOMORROW,

AND I REALLY NEED REST.

CAN MARK STAY ON THE COUCH TONIGHT?

I DON'T WANT ANYBODY SICK IN THERE.

THAT COUCH SMELLS BAD ENOUGH ALREADY.

WHERE'S HE GOING TO GO?

D.J.'s GONE, SO WE'LL TAKE DAVID OUT OF HIS ROOM

AND PUT MARK IN THERE AND MOVE DAVID TO THE COUCH.

DONE.

WHAT DOES THE COUCH SMELL LIKE?

THE FAMILY.

WHERE'S DINNER? WE'RE HUNGRY.

OURS IS ON OUR PLATES,

BUT YOU TOLD ME YOU WERE EATING AT, UH...

THAT KID'S HOUSE.

NO. I TOLD YOU YESTERDAY.

RALPH IS STAYING OVER HERE.

I'M SORRY, BUT YOU CAN'T STAY HERE.

YOU'LL HAVE TO TELL YOUR PARENTS

MR. CONNER'S ON A BENDER.

HE CAN'T DO THAT!

HIS PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN.

YOU PROMISED I COULD HAVE FRIENDS OVER.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE BLUFFING

WHEN YOU SAID YOU HAD A FRIEND.

THEY CAN TAKE THE COUCH.

I'LL MOVE IN THE BASEMENT WITH DARLENE.

YEAH, AND WHY DON'T YOU JUST BANG ON THE CEILING

IF YOU HAVE TROUBLE UNFASTENING HER BRA?

COOL. I THOUGHT SHE'D SAY NO.

SHE DID.

HOW ABOUT MARK IN THE BASEMENT, DARLENE WITH ME?

FORGET IT. I CAN'T SLEEP

WITH THE SOUND OF AIR WHISTLING THROUGH HER HEAD.

MARK'S GOT TO GO SOMEWHERE.

LET'S TRY THIS ONE MORE TIME.

RALPH AND D.J. IN THE BASEMENT,

YOU ON THE COUCH,

AND YOU BOYS CAN BE IN D.J.'s ROOM.

WHY DO I GET STUCK WITH MARK?

I CAN'T AFFORD TO GET SICK.

EVERYONE'S SO AFRAID I'LL MAKE THEM SICK,

NO ONE WILL COME NEAR ME.

I FEEL LIKE A LEOPARD.

WAIT, MARK. LOOK, I'M SORRY.

YOU DIDN'T MEAN TO GET SICK.

EVERYONE REFUSING TO GET NEAR YOU IS UNFAIR.

DO YOU MEAN THAT?

I'LL SHARE A ROOM WITH YOU. I'M NOT AFRAID.

IT'S REALLY TOUCHING YOU'D SAY A THING LIKE THAT.

IT'S REALLY GOOD TO HAVE A BROTHER.

O.K., HONEY, TURN OFF THE LIGHT.

NO. I WANT TO SEE.

NOTHING TO SEE. JUST SKIN.

TURN OFF THE LIGHT.

LOTS OF GUYS DON'T HAVE HAIR UNDER THEIR ARM.

LIKE WHO?

WEIGHT LIFTERS SHAVE ALL THEIRS OFF

SO THEIR MUSCLES SHOW.

OH, YEAH?

OF COURSE, THEY ALSO LIFT WEIGHTS.

WELL, I WOULD, BUT WITH THE LOSS OF MY ARMPIT HAIR

WENT MY SUPERSTRENGTH.

COME ON. LET ME SEE.

WHAT ARE YOU EMBARRASSED ABOUT?

JUST COMB THE HAIR FROM YOUR CHEST OVER.

WELL, I LEARNED ONE NEW THING.

NO AFTERSHAVE NEXT TIME.

YOU ONLY HAD ONE CYST.

WHY DID YOU SHAVE BOTH OF THEM?

WELL, ONE ARM JUST SEEMED SO UNBALANCED.

I THINK IT'S KIND OF SEXY.

NOW I SEE WHY YOU GET SO EXCITED

WHEN I SHAVE MY LEGS EVERY MONTH.

REALLY?

YEAH. GEE, I DON'T THINK I'VE BEEN THIS TURNED ON

SINCE YOU CLIPPED YOUR NOSE HAIRS.

OH, YOU KNOW, I SHAVED A SPECIAL SPOT FOR YOU.

OH, GROSS!

NO, NO, NO.

HIGHER, HIGHER.

OH, DAN, YOU HAVE TWO EYEBROWS AGAIN!

WANT SOME RAZOR BURN?

NO! ALL THAT SKIN SCARES ME.

RRR!

LET'S WAIT AN HOUR TILL IT GROWS BACK.

RRRR... RUFF!

OH, MY WEAKNESS...

ANIMAL NOISES.

WELL, HERE I AM... DAVID,

IN THE ONLY WORKING BATHROOM RIGHT NEXT DOOR.

GREAT. MARK GAVE IT TO DAVID.

NOW HE'LL BE IN THERE PUKING ALL NIGHT.

OH, YEAH. SAY THAT AGAIN REAL SLOW.

I'M GETTING HOT.

THANK GOODNESS I'M NOT SICK LIKE MARK.

I'LL JUST DO MY BUSINESS QUICKLY, THEN SKIDADDLE.

RRR-RUFF!

CUT IT OUT.

I CANNOT DO IT WITH DAVID IN THERE.

THIS BED SQUEAKS.

LET'S DO IT ON THE FLOOR.

THAT ALWAYS SOUNDS LIKE A LOT MORE FUN THAN IT ACTUALLY IS.

LET'S SEE IF WE CAN MAKE THAT FLOOR SQUEAK...

IN CHINA.

HEY!

YOU SHOULD'VE LOCKED THE DOOR!

IT'S BROKEN.

HURRY UP. I GOT TO PEE WORSE THAN YOU.

HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW THAT?

HEY, IN ONE MINUTE, NOBODY'S PEEING!

GOOD WORK, BABY.

COME ON DOWN WHERE THE CEDAR CHEST USED TO BE.

IT'S STILL FLUFFY.

I CAN'T WITH TWO PEOPLE IN THE NEXT ROOM.

SINCE WHEN'S A CROWD BOTHER YOU?

WE DID IT AT A GRATEFUL DEAD CONCERT.

THAT WAS NEARLY TWO YEARS AGO.

I THINK WE'VE GROWN UP A LITTLE SINCE THEN.

WE'VE GOT TO FACE IT.

THERE'S TOO MANY PEOPLE IN THIS HOUSE.

WE DESERVE PEACE AND QUIET.

I WANT MARK AND BECKY TO MOVE.

I WANT THEM TO BRING BACK CARD SHARKS,

BUT IT AIN'T GOING TO HAPPEN.

MARK'S GOT A GOOD JOB.

I KNOW HE'S BEEN SAVING HIS MONEY.

I'M SURE THEY CAN AFFORD A DECENT PLACE TO LIVE.

WHY? YOU'RE HIS BOSS.

YOU NEVER LIVED NO PLACE DECENT.

IT'S TIME THAT THEY MOVED OUT ON THEIR OWN.

THEY'LL NEVER LEAVE UNLESS WE PUSH THEM.

I HATE TO SEE THEM STRUGGLE.

FAIR ENOUGH. WE WON'T VISIT THEM.

SO THEY'RE GONE.

SO?

SO?

WANT TO RUB THE MAGIC SPOT AGAIN?

I DON'T FEEL SO GOOD.

I THINK I GOT MARK'S FLU OR SOMETHING.

GREAT.

SHAVED MY ARMPITS FOR NOTHING.

UNLESS...

COOL.

OH! OH! OH!

WHAT?

OH, MY GOD. I WAS ON THE BABY.

NO, FRED. THE BABY'S RIGHT HERE.

OH, THIS IS CRAZY.

WITH THE BABY IN HERE,

I HAVEN'T HAD ONE DECENT NIGHT'S SLEEP.

WELL, WE'LL JUST PUT HIM UP FOR ADOPTION THEN,

BECAUSE, LORD KNOWS, YOU NEED YOUR SLEEP.

HEY, I GOT AN IDEA.

KNOW THAT ROOM WITH ALL THE PURPLE DINOSAURS ON THE WALL?

WHY DON'T WE PUT THE BABY IN THERE?

NO. I READ THAT SLEEPING TOGETHER BONDS THE FAMILY.

I READ PEOPLE READ TOO MUCH.

COME HERE. COME TO DADDY.

REMEMBER ME?

MOMMY LET ME HOLD YOU IN THE DELIVERY ROOM.