Rules of Engagement

-Hey. -Hey, where's Audrey?

Oh, big surprise, she's stuck on another work call.

Lately all she does is work.

She even missed our girl's night last night.

We still had fun.

Did you? Did you enjoy your Daiquiri?

The first one. I don't remember the second one.

Anyways, Aud's being totally slammed at work...

...which means twice as many work stories.

So let me know if you're having any trouble sleeping those things are a magic bullet.

Oh, great.

Mm. What? The hat store run out of extra-large square?

It's clever. How long you been working on that one?

-I just thought of it. -Two days ago.

-Ha, ha. -I just got a text from Brenda.

-Who's that? -She's this lesbian.

Ah. You have my interest.

Who plays on my softball team.

Oh, you've lost my interest.

She's hurt. And if you don't have at least one female your team forfeits.

Jen, you're a girl, right?

Well, if she's not, she did some pretty gay stuff to me last night.

-So, come on, can you play tomorrow? -Oh, I'd love to, but I have a meeting.

-You do? -Yes.

But I thought we were hanging out tomorrow afternoon.

No, I have a meeting.

No, no, no, no, you said you had nothing going on.

To quote you, "I literally have nothing to do tomorrow afternoon.

Boy, would I love to go outside."

Okay, I just don't wanna play softball.

Rude.

Oh, my God, this is so frustrating. We can't use any of the couch shots from the Hamptons' shoot.

They're terrible. Now we have to go out and find a new photographer.

Don't fret. You know I happen to be a bit of a shutterbug myself.

This would be easy for you.

You won't have to get the couch drunk and trick it into taking its top off.

Hey, you know what would be a really fun break for you from all this work?

Come on out to Central Park and play some softball tomorrow.

What, the team lesbian have another gay wedding to go to?

No, Mrs. Stereotyper.

She, uh, dislocated a shoulder playing field hockey.

So come on, you need to get out of the office.

I, uh.... I don't think I can.

Well, listen, it's like they say on their deathbed...

...uh, nobody ever wishes that they spent less time playing softball.

Uh, I don't know, I....

Look at you.

Seriously, you've got bags under your eyes, your skin's pale...

...you're all slouched over. You look like a corpse.

-It's probably just the lighting in here. -I don't think so, Jen looks fantastic.

It's Central Park, it's a sunny day, it'll be good for you.

-Fine, yes, I'll play. -Come on, you look like a mole person.

I said I would play.

Wait, what are we doing?

If you're having to ask I must not be doing it very well.

No, I meant us having sex, so much, so soon after we met.

I'm not hearing a problem here.

Look, Timmy, I really like you.

And I you. Here, let me show you how much.

No. That's the thing.

I think we should stop having sex, and instead, focus on the non-physical part of our relationship.

Hmm. Not what now?

We have to get to know each other...

...if we wanna give our relationship a stronger foundation.

Says you.

I don't even know about your interests, your family, your friends.

Cricket, only child, Nate and Ramesh.

Okay, so, uh, do you want to tell me yours now or after we nude up?

No, heh, I think we should hold off until we create a real emotional...

...and intellectual connection.

That sounds like a dynamite idea, really...

...but perhaps we could implement that plan...

...say, 20 minutes from now after we've successfully formed a human camel.

We have to be strong if we want to give this the best chance it can have.

Without distractions.

Yes, you're quite right.

The logical part of me agrees.

-I'm so glad. -Oh, heh.

-Timmy? -Hmm?

It feels like another part of you might disagree.

Yes, well, uh, rest assured, as soon as I get home...

...I'm going to give it what for.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

Oh, no, you guys still here?

Yeah, the handy man set off a bug bomb in our apartment.

-Oh, you got bugs? -No, he just doesn't like me.

Anyway, what's going on?

Well, in Timmy's case, a whole lot of nada.

I see, so now we're sharing intimate information I told you in confidence.

We're about to.

So Timmy here's been getting down with that little mousy girl at work...

-...right in her office. -Ah, Timmy, I knew you had it in you.

So did she.

The funny part is...

...heh, now that she got him hooked, she cut him off, no more sex.

Yes, that's the funny part.

Wow. So she had sex with you and then no more.

Mm. I heard that happens to guys who don't look like me.

I could show you what it's like.

If I were this guy maybe you could. But come on.

Jen, it's kind of common knowledge that you're always good to go.

Ouch.

Insulted by someone who looks like they're in the middle of gender reassignment.

But the question is, which way is he going?

Look, Allison believes that sex is not the way to begin...

...a meaningful relationship. And I concur.

Yeah, good luck running that three-legged race by yourself.

Of course that's how you feel.

Why spend time getting to know a woman...

...when it merely increases her chances of picking you out of a lineup?

It's different for different couples.

I mean, Jen and I had sex the first night we met.

I don't even think she knew my name.

-But now, we're totally getting married. -Adam.

Oh, well, yeah, of course you know my name now.

That's not what I was talking about.

Oh. Oh, right. Oh, my God, the cat's out of the bag.

Okay, Timmy, there's a good chance you're not coming to our wedding.

-Ah. It's really small and-- -Wrong again, Adam.

Oh, hey, good news, buddy, you're back in.

No, he's not back in.

It's a good thing I'm not a human being or some of this could really sting.

So he gave me the medicine and I got better right away.

Ah.

So you're allergic to ragweed.

-How about that? -See?

We're getting to know each other.

And that will only enhance the experience when we go back to....

-You know. -Yes, I remember.

-Pardon me. -It's all right.

So, uh, any other allergies, or is it just the ragweed then?

-Cat dander, pollen. -Uh-huh. Oh.

-That's it. -All right, then.

-Isn't this where you get off? -I'm very close.

Uh, yeah, bye, bye-bye.

All right. Daddy's lunch is here. Bring it in.

You can keep the....

Ow.

I'm not sure lavender is the right color.

Audrey, get the ball!

Thattagirl.

What? Oh, no, no. No, no, I told her that's not right.

Audrey, throw the ball!

No, it has to be lilac. And that is final, I'm not--

Hold on, I'm getting another call.

-Hello? -Hey, Audrey, it's Jeff from softball.

Yeah, uh, I'm sorry to catch you at a bad time...

...uh, some of the fellas were, uh, hoping we could get the ball back.

Um, Timmy?

Timmy, if you have to do that at work, take it to the men's room.

Sir, I'm only trying to get the last of the white out.

Yeah, I know, I've been there. Take it in the men's room, fella.

Sir, this white out.

Oh.

Well, still, ever since Allison cut you off, you've been a little bit edgy.

Really? Do you think so?

Because I feel pretty damned relaxed.

I'm just concerned, that's all.

Well, don't be, because it's none of your business.

It became my business when you threw a sandwich in there...

...and cracked my sternum.

Well, I'm sorry, but, yes, I'm a bit pent up.

Well, don't you worry. Uncle Russell's gonna help you release the pressure.

Look, I don't care how soft and lady-like your hands are, the answer's no.

No, no, no, I didn't mean that.

No, I'm just saying, I've got a phone full of numbers here...