English Dogs in Bangkok

A dog in the Cambridge English Dictionary

is a domesticated carnivorous mammal.

That's me.

Another kind of dog is my ex-wife Tracy.

She was shagging my best mate and business partner, Jungle.

They both were conspiring against me.

You promised me he'd be out of the way by now.

And he doesn't even know about us.

Look, woman, it's being planned.

This time next week, he'll be a memory, a distant memory.

Now put the fucking kettle on.

Jungle and his meathead mate

went to see the man who can.

Ex-military and long-term friend of my family.

Terry made us untouchable.

He would clean and launder anything Jungle and I grabbed

from shitty pawn shops to high street banks.

Terry's relationship with the local hunters

provided us the guns, the bikes,

and we had the dogs bollocks to do it.

All right, Terry.

Thought I'd come and see you, me old mate.

Oh, ain't I honored.

Ain't you just, eh?

What's wrong with Stevie boy here?

Back to business Terry.

Got a fight next week.

I want you and Byron there, yeah?

Okay.

Two o'clock.

Sounds good.

Usual place.

No worries.

Don't be late.

Back to your racing, Terry.

See ya there.

A week later I arrived on my Tod.

There was no Terry; he went bloody greyhound racing.

He'll be arriving there right now.

Who's there to meet him then?

Dave!

The beast-master himself.

Where's the fight, Dave?

Cut the bullshit.

You stole our money.

Pleased to see you too Dave.

You on the fucking juice again or what?

Dave always thought Byron was ripping the firm off.

So, who's your money on?

100 quid on Byron to win.

He'll sucker punch him with that knuckle duster

his dad gave him.

That's his trademark, you know that.

But what you don't know,

Dave's got a metal plate in his jaw

from that ruck we had with them Birmingham lads.

So, if you lose, you're buying the Chinese and all.

We'll see!

Give me my fucking money!

When you're lying on your hospital bed,

you don't see bright lights.

You don't see the bloody fairies.

That's a lode of hippie bollocks.

You just see the horrible mangy dogs that put you there.

Two months a broken nose and eight stitches later,

I woke up from my nightmare,

determined to be the leader in the pack.

This ain't over, Terry.

You know that Jungle is gonna stitch you up

with that gun.

Take this.

These are the keys to my apartment.

There's no trace on any of it.

And I've contacted Dutch for ya.

You know what they say about the land of smiles?

Sun.

Sea.

Sex!

My eyes were popping out of my head.

I'd never seen anything like it.

If heaven and hell threw a party,

this is what it would look like.

There was something for everyone, even chicks with dicks.

Women in bikinis and enough strobes

to give you a bloody heart attack.

Dangerous, debauched, and dirty.

And then comes the age-old chat up line

that makes every man feel like a king.

Hey sexy man!

Where are you going?

Going to get a drink.

And it works.

I can take you somewhere nice.

You ever been with a Thai girl?

We can have sex all night,

and I make you breakfast in the morning.

I don't normally listen to the hype.

But you ain't seen nothing

till you lived a night in Bangkok.

The next day I woke up late.

It had been a busy night.

I felt like a man reborn.

I left girl inside snoring, and she never cooked me

that bloody breakfast in the morning.

She never kept her side of the bargain.

Anyway, I made my way through the city streets.

The roads were like motorways polluted

and rivers of traffic flowing around in all directions.

I had an appointment to keep with Terry's contact.

When years ago, they had a car business going,

a very lucrative one indeed,

stealing cars from Eastern Europe

and driving them over to the UK and then selling them

to high-class businessmen in the city.

Until they got busted of course.

It was time to meet Dutch.

Take a seat, Byron.

So, how's Bangkok?

Yeah, Bangkok's good.

It's a fucking crazy town.

Welcome to Thailand.

Thanks.

You like my place?

I mean, it's Dutch.

Looks good, nice.

I see you got a nose problem.

What happened?

Yeah, I had a few issues back home.

Only a small problem though.

If you've got a problem, you come to me.

You wanna have a drink, Byron?

I'll have a beer please.

I ordered some frikandels for you.

Real Dutch snacks you know.

Try those.

I want you to taste them.

Do you like it?

Tastes good, yeah.

Anyway, enough about snacks.

So, what's your plan, man?

Terry said that you're gonna be here for while, right?

I'll be here for a short time.

But I got an open ticket though.

Open ticket?

Keep that open ticket, man.

I think you're never gonna return though.

Ha ha.

It's like a Disneyland for adults here.

You can shag any women in any place.

You'll feel like a king here.

You'll be surrounded by all those pussies here.

There's no escape.

Well, there is.

When the bill arrives, then they're gone.

Your money as well.

No money, no honey.

Sounds like my ex, you know.

Done the same thing to me, stitched right fucking kipper.

Byron, look at that guy behind you there.

You see that?

He's gonna shag that girl very soon.

I like to watch it.

Like the whole process.

I mean, look at that man.

The marketing is great.

The product is shit.

Back to business.

Don't stick that nose of yours into any bullshit here, okay?

No worries, no problem.

Don't solve anything yourself.

I understand.

So, yeah, I have a few businesses out here.

I mean, I'm always willing to expand.

Only with good guys.

Like you.

Thanks for the offer.

But as I said, I am only here for a short time.

You're gonna love Thailand, man.

Yeah, thanks for seeing me.

Anyway, Terry told me to keep an eye on you.

Show me your eyes.

I have a crocodile farm.

I'm a shareholder of it.

I want you to go with me.

- Thanks. - So, take care, man.

Bye.

It's nice to meet you Byron.

Thank you.

Hey, come on, get up!

Police are investigating an armed robbery

that took place at 1:00 pm today

at the 6th Avenue nightclub in Cambridge.

The club is known to be frequented by known criminals,

and the police believe that this is a start of a turf war.

Police have linked the robbery

to Byron Harrison, who is at large.

They have stated he is armed and dangerous

and must not be approached.

Come on, Byron, pick up.

Come on, Pick up the fucking phone.