The Carmichael Show

I got news. Where's Daddy?

He hasn't got home from work yet.

Is this about chemtrails?

Because I do not have the energy for that right now.

What's going on, Bobby?

Okay, look, if I tell you the news, you promise

you're gonna act just as excited when he gets home

and I say it again?

No.

Hey, everybody. Gather round.

I got something I need to tell you.

I got news, too, Daddy.

Sorry, Bobby, I need to go first.

Now, my sister called today, and she told me

that my father died.

I just saw Cam Newton at the grocery store!

Wait a minute, did you say Granddad is dead?

Oh, Joe, I'm so sorry.

We're here for you.

Well, you know what they say. People die.

Joe, you don't have to act strong for us.

Just give yourself time to grieve.

No, I've had time to grieve, Maxine.

My sister called about five hours ago.

I had time to grieve, ate at Wendy's,

got my car washed, drove back to Wendy's,

ordered a Frosty, came home, told y'all the news.

That's a pretty full day.

- What's going on right now? - Maxine,

death is not all about grieving.

It's sometimes a celebration.

We believe that when you pass, you go to a better place.

Oh, that's funny.

'Cause I believe Grandpa went to hell.

- Jerrod! - What?

Am I the only one that remembers what a deadbeat

- the man was? - Jerrod,

enough. Joe, I am going to go cook you

the most beautiful dead dad cake you've ever seen.

Don't speak ill of the dead, son. You didn't know this man,

and you don't know what you're talking about.

He was never there and left you when you were a kid.

He never sent any money.

When's the last time you even saw the man?

Well, we ran into each other a couple years ago

at the JCPenney's.

He came over to me and he said,

"Hey, is that a Wetzel Pretzel you got?" I said, "Yeah."

He said, "Are you allowed to bring that in here?"

I said, "I don't know." And then we went our separate ways.

Man, I can't believe Granddad is dead.

Matter of fact, I don't even know if that was Cam Newton

I even saw at the store.

It's the worst day of my life.

Quit pretending to be sad, Bobby.

- You met Granddad, like, twice. - So what?

I know people that's met the Pope once,

and it changed their life tremendously.

Who do you know that's met the Pope?

Fred.

You don't know anyone that's met the Pope, and you don't know

anyone named Fred. You're just one of those people

who likes to show grief publicly for attention.

We all know what you're gonna do, Bobby.

You're just gonna post a picture of yourself looking sad

on Instagram with a caption that says "RIP Granddad" underneath.

So?

Let me tell you something,

you got to look sad on Instagram sometimes.

You got to keep your followers intrigued.

You know, they-they need to see all facets of Bobby.

You know what,

Jerrod, it-it's totally normal

for Bobby to grieve the loss of his grandfather.

See, Jerrod? You-you don't understand.

It's okay to be sad. You need to get in touch with your emotions.

You know something? You need to see the movie Inside Out.

I'm not gonna tell you what happens to Bing Bong.

But he dies.

Hey, Ma. You in here singing slave songs again?

Maxine, what

a risqué dress that is

for such a somber occasion.

Oh, it's just that it's my first funeral,

so it was hard to find a dress on short notice.

Well, you got the short part right.

I'm sorry. I'm just lashing out.

It's been a hard few days since Joe's father died.

It is a short dress, though.

Coco Chanel says... and I quote...

"Always look in the mirror and remove one accessory."

Which one?

You look like a blind...

I got nothing. You look stupid.

Cynthia,

did you get the music to the organist?

Yes, Joe.

What about the flowers?

The-the white roses, right?

Everything's taken care of, baby.

Why are you going all-out for this man?

He wasn't there for you in life.

- Why are you being there for him now? - Because

that's what you do when your father dies.

Now, I'm gonna bury my father, just like he buried his,

the same way you two are gonna do for me.

Daddy, I'm gonna bury you real good, too.

We're gonna have a... we're gonna have a band for you,

a-a gold casket,

and, matter of fact, we gonna do the fireworks, right,

where-where your name pops up

and-and blow up in the sky. "Joe."

Man, I can't wait for that.

Thank you, Bobby.

Bobby, there's a huge difference.

We actually love our father.

Funerals are not about love.

They're about obligation.

Now, I'm the only one that's gonna stand up for this man.

My sister's not flying in.

Our mama's not gonna come. Last time she saw him,

I was ten years old and he was walking out the front door.

Joe, you have organized

a beautiful service for your father.

Plus, you're scoring points with God.

This might make up for the fact that you didn't leave a note

on that car you sideswiped in that parking lot.

Listen, Dad, all I'm saying is,

you would've never thrown a party for this man in life.

Yet you're down, like, two grand on his death. Why?

- Funerals are for the living, Jerrod. - No.

Carnival Cruises are for the living.

You're missing the point.

Funerals are for people to have a place to go

to release their emotions and gain closure.

And for singing songs

and wearing black.

Which happens to be my best color.

And I have an amazing singing voice.

Ooh, I am incredible at funerals.

Oh, that's true.

You should have seen her

at our nephew Brandon's funeral.

She sang song after song. Five songs in a row.

We could've sold that as an EP.

Mama, if you sang "Ave Maria" on The Voice,

ooh, that's a four-chair turn.

Even Christina, and she don't like nobody.

Cousin Brandon's funeral.

Yet another great service for a terrible person.

I remember everyone telling sweet stories, saying things

like, "Oh, Brandon was taken away too soon."

Cousin Brandon was taken away too soon.

Cousin Brandon was shot while holding up a convenience store

at gunpoint, and they still released doves at his funeral.

Jerrod, why do you always see the bad in people?

He literally stole from everybody in the family.

Yet, at his funeral, someone played the trumpet

as they lowered his casket into the ground,

like he was a soldier.

During his eulogy, they referred to him

as a spontaneous entrepreneur.

He was a drug dealer.

Damn, I need to write that eulogy.

Now, look, this isn't a debate.

I spent good money on today, and we're gonna get

in my car and we're going over to that funeral home

and we're gonna bury my father

and we will enjoy ourselves.

Then we're going to Wendy's.

Thank you so much for coming. Come right on in.

Beautiful dress. There you are.

A program for you. Here's one for you, baby.

Come right this way. Oh,

and take a tissue, because we're puttin' on a show.

Hey, hey. Ooh, sorry.

Look, could you play the song they play at baseball games?

It's called, um... I-I'll show you.

Charge!

That's what it's called. It's called "Charge."

I'll help you. Come on. Scoot over.

Death.

Darkness.

Why are you so hard to write for?

Darkness. Coffin. Painting.

Flowers. Oh, come on, Joe.

Now you're just naming stuff in the room.

Dad, you still in here, stuck on that eulogy?

Yes, I'm stuck, son. I don't know what to write.

It's like I hit a brick wall.

I got what they call that Dale Earnhardt Syndrome.

No. Pretty sure that's called writer's block.

No, I always heard it as Dale Earnhardt Syndrome.

You know, on account of when he was racing

- and he hit that brick wall... - No, no, no.

I know why you're calling it that.

But no one says that. They just say "writer's block."

Well, maybe we're both right.

We are not both... Look, Dad,

I know why you're stuck: because you're being insincere.