Not Going Out

Right, we're at 4,000 feet.

So, just like we did in training, I'll attach the clip like this,

you'll jump, and your chute opens automatically.

Any questions?

What time's the drinks trolley coming round?

What if the cord gets pulled too hard and it comes off?

It won't. It might.

I did that with the bathroom light once.

OK, I'll let you know when we're ready to rock.

I am so excited! Have you ever done this before, Lee?

Er, I did one of those tandem sky dives.

Was it all OK?

Yeah, but the bicycle was a write-off!

He's never done a skydive before, Mum. None of us have.

Not true. I made a number of jumps during my army days.

In the Catering Corps?!

I think you're mixing the words up - "jumps" and "soups".

Quite an experience, I can tell you! Everyone staring at each other

in nervous silence, without so much as a cup of tea

to take your mind off things. Then, without warning,

you're shoved out the door.

Sounds like the last time we visited your house, Geoffrey!

Your first time as well, then, Frank? Sure is.

Oh, come on, Frank. You're forgetting that time

you were ejected from the easyJet flight to Glasgow!

You all right, Mum? Not really!

It seemed like a fun idea when Toby first suggested it, but...

..now we're so high up, I'm having second thoughts.

Well, if you're feeling nervous, just think of all the money

we're raising for the hospital. Everybody's done a great job. Yeah.

Even Anna's been very supportive.

What do you mean, "even Anna"?! Oh, sorry, darling,

I didn't mean to... Trust me, I'd never pass up the opportunity

of seeing you fall out of an aeroplane!

You seem very relaxed about this, Lee.

I can't wait.

It's one of these things you've got to do before you die.

Just hopefully not immediately before you die!

OK, I need everyone to listen up.

I'm afraid we've got a problem. What problem? What's gone wrong?

It's absolutely nothing to worry about,

but I've somehow managed to make a real cock-up.

Please accept my sincere apologies,

but I've only noted six parachutes for seven people.

You mean one of us has got to jump without a parachute?

Obviously, it doesn't mean that.

Don't put him off if he's keen!

I'm sorry to say that one of you can't do the jump.

Well, whose parachute are you missing? Er...

Let's see. Remind me, which one of you is Wendy?

Me!

Right, we've definitely got yours.

And, let's see, we've got, er...

Toby's. We've got Lucy's.

We've got Frank's. Er...

We've got Geoffrey's. Oh, get on with it, Simon Cowell,

and just announce the loser!

Lee, yours is missing.

How? Mistakes happen, I'm afraid.

Not the words you want to hear from a parachute company!

Didn't they teach you how to count in Australia?

No, because I'm from New Zealand.

Same thing.

Well, they're next to each other, but they're not the same thing.

What, you mean a bit like the numbers six and seven?!

Look, of course, we'll arrange for you to come back at a later date,

free of charge, Lee. But the charity event is today.

Yeah, the local press photographers are down there waiting for us,

and I promised the kids I'd be in the paper.

You'll just have to go to back to Plan A, and rob a Post Office!

Sorry.

Oh, Lee, it must be really disappointing for you.

There is another option. What? Well, it's clear I'm not exactly keen -

why not take my parachute?

Absolutely not. Why?!

Because I don't want your day spoiled.

Spoiled?!

I'm terrified!

And that's the reason you should jump.

My commanding officer always used to say,

"When you have a fear, you need to deal with it...

"head-on."

Same reason I showed up to Lee and Lucy's wedding.

But I don't want to jump!

Look, I do feel somewhat responsible, as the organiser, so...

..probably, it should be me that misses out.

Oh, don't be so bloody obliging, Toby, my God!

You'd give up your place in our bed, if someone asked you politely!

Toby, please...

That wasn't a genuine offer.

Look, I don't care about jumping, either way. I'll happily miss out.

No, no, no, no.

I'm too much of a gentleman to see a lady disappointed.

Lee, take my parachute.

It's OK, Frank, I'm not disappointed.

I just want Lee to get his turn.

He can have mine.

Honestly, I insist.

Well, here's a rich display of humbuggery!

You what?

It's obvious. You're all terrified.

In fact, Wendy's the bravest one among you.

At least she has the courage to admit to her fears.

Now, would anyone else like to offer to stay behind?

No, I thought not. So, that's settled.

Lee, you can take my parachute.

You're as scared as the rest of us.

Not so. I overcame any misgivings I might have had one night

in a military transport aircraft over Belize.

Nobody wants to know how you popped your cherry!

I was part of a special operations team.

Officially, we didn't exist.

Oh, here we go, a load of nonsense about pervert operations!

Covert!

He could tell us, but then he'd have to kill us!

I might just tell Frank!

I'm merely saying that I'm the only one here with nothing to prove.

Believe me, Frank, if ever we find ourselves

doing a sponsored benefit fraud,

I'll be sure to defer to your experience.

Looks like Lee and I are the only ones looking forward to this.

Well, I'm happy to admit I'm nervous,

so I would like to give Lee my parachute.

No, I would.

No, I offered first.

I think you'll find I did. No, I did!

Don't start bickering with each other! There's only one person

to blame for this. We wouldn't be in this situation

if Dame Edna was doing his job properly!

I'm a Kiwi! I don't care if you're a watermelon, mate!

You have ruined our day out!

Look, I've said I'm sorry, guys.

How hard can it be?

You count the parachutes, you take them off that blue rack,

you load them onto the plane. Job done.

How did you know they were on a blue rack?

What? You just said the packs were stored on a blue rack.

That's back at base, behind a door marked "Private".

You shouldn't have been in there.

So, what were you doing in a private area?

I'm not telling you.

Why not?

It's private.

It's quite clear what he was doing in there.

He was hiding his parachute.

Suddenly, that display of bravado makes perfect sense.

He was looking forward to the jump

because he knew he wouldn't have to do it.

Is that right, Lee?

Oh...

Of course it bloody is!

Have you seen how high up these planes go?!

I'd rather jump out of a birthday cake at Wormwood Scrubs

dressed as Marilyn Monroe!

Anyway, what's done is done.

I haven't got a parachute, so I can't jump.

At school, if you forgot your kit,

they made you do it in your underpants!

I don't think any of us want to see Lee's underpants at the moment!

It's a pretty shabby trick to pull, Lee. Well...

..I had my reasons.

What reasons? I'll show you.

To get Caffe Nero loyalty stamps?!

Think of the kids.

It's all well and good ONE of their parents

jumping out of an aeroplane.

For both me and Lucy to risk our lives,

I couldn't be that selfish.

That's actually a very good point.

We can't risk us both jumping.

That would be totally irresponsible.

I'm staying on the plane.

Hang on... Well, I'm the engine room of the parenting machine.

They need me more. And what am I?

The light entertainment.

This is ridiculous! People hardly ever die from skydiving.

That's because people hardly ever go skydiving!

The only fatalities that ever occur are usually premeditated murders,

when one person deliberately interferes

with someone else's parachute.

Anyway, it's not up for grabs. I'm staying on the plane because

it's my parachute that's missing. No, it's A parachute that's missing.

It's not one-size-fits-all, you know.

These parachutes are individually calibrated to each person's weight.

Actually...

Let's assume I'm right, and not now listen to what this man says!

He is, after all, from the land of ball tampering. That's Australia.

And the parachutes are not weight-specific at all.

You can totally swap them round.

I mean, they're basically all the same.

You know, like Kiwis and Aussies!

So, there we have it. Whatever else happens, Lee is going to jump.

In fact, I propose he goes first.

No chance! None of us have to actually jump if we don't want to.

Yes, you do. This is for a children's hospital ward.

The press are waiting for us on the ground.

Think of the shame.

What if I get injured?

Very, very unlikely. Isn't that right?

Well, the injury rate is one in every 2,000 jumps... You see?