Man with a Plan

Come on, guys, we're gonna be late for school.

We don't have school.

No, no, no, I'm not falling for that again.

No, it's for real. It's Teacher Reading Day.

They sent home a note.

What note? I didn't see any note.

Teddy, did you start eating paper again?

Well, I found the note.

And the upstairs remote. Teddy!

We both have to work. What are we gonna do?

Katie can babysit.

Yes! I knew there was a reason we had three.

Yeah.

Sorry, no day off for high school.

You know, I can't wait to go to college

and skip class all the time.

She's gonna be trouble.

You know, the teachers are there.

What if we just drop these two at school

and act like we didn't know?

The trick is to drive away fast.

I have an idea.

You guys are going to work with Daddy today!

Yay!

No, no yay.

No, I can't take them. I have to work.

Well, I have to work, too.

So what are we gonna do?

Guess we're just gonna have to sit down and talk it out.

Aw, I always lose when we do that!

Oh, how about this?

A race to the door, okay?

Last one out stays home, all right?

On three. Okay, come on.

One, two...

Thought I could hurdle that coffee table, I really did.

Okay, why can't you take the kids today?

I have a meeting with the mini-mall developer.

And she's already bent out of shape because

there's a trucker's strike and construction is delayed.

Okay, well, no rational person can blame you for that.

She's not rational.

She fired her own mother.

Well, I can't take them either.

My boss is out for the morning,

and he just made me his number two.

Hey, you know, a promotion like that deserves a reward.

Congratulations, honey, you just won a day at home

with our beautiful children.

Oh. So I have to stay home because I'm a woman?

Okay.

Didn't know you'd play that card this early.

Hey, if I'm holding an ace, you're gonna see it.

There's no good solution to this.

I don't understand why kids can't stay home alone.

Remember that movie, Home Alone?

Huh?

That was a big hit.

You know,

when I was Teddy's age, my parents would just

leave Don and I with a sign around our necks that said,

"If found, please return to 247 Maple Street."

Is that true?

Just let me tell my story.

All this babying is not good for the kids.

You know, we... we cut up their bananas.

Bananas, Andi!

A monkey knows how to work a banana.

If we keep this up, when the kids get out in the real world,

they are never gonna survive.

Okay, okay.

You know what? This weekend,

we will drive the kids out to the woods,

give them a banana and see who makes it home. Huh?

But for now, take them to work.

I knew I'd lose if we talked it out.

Fine, I'll take them.

But we are definitely doing that banana Hunger Games thing.

I'll tell you what, when my boss gets back this afternoon,

I'll-I'll fake a lady problem

and I'll come take Teddy and Emme from you.

Yes. Men don't ask questions about lady problems

'cause we don't want the answers.

Teddy, Teddy, don't-don't touch that.

Don't touch that, okay? All right.

Emme, Emme, Emme, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.

Honey, that's-that's my boss's chair, okay?

Come on, come on, come on, come on.

Teddy, Teddy, Teddy.

Give me that. Give me that.

Stop playing... No. Will you stop it?

Stop. Stop it. Stop it!

Lisa!

Oh, look, you brought your children to my workplace.

I'd just like to point out that I didn't bring any kids.

Good, Don. Very good.

Now, why don't you and the little ones

celebrate your victory by going out into the hall.

That's a good idea.

Why don't you guys wait for Daddy outside. Okay.

Really? Are you sure you want me to...

Yep, uh-huh. Now you're doing it.

Okay.

Uh, sorry about that.

There was a scheduling thing with school,

and my wife is very liberated.

Bup-bup-bup-bup-bup-bup. It's best if I don't know

too much about your personal life.

It'll make it easier if/when things go south

with the mini-mall, and I have to, you know...

Kill me?

No, fire you.

Oh.

Although my therapist would tell me

to be more sympathetic.

Your therapist sounds very smart.

- I fired her. - Serves that idiot right.

Uh, we have to make this a quick meeting.

The Developers Association

is honoring me with an Innovator Award,

and I'm a little frightened of public speaking.

Oh.

I'm much more likeable one-on-one.

Sure. Yeah.

I say that because I don't want you to...

What is that?

I was just doing what you did.

You don't do that. I do that.

Okay.

Let's talk about why you're here.

I am not happy about the delays on the mini-mall.

Lisa, this truckers' strike is causing problems.

If it helps, I have 20 other contractors

that can replace you guys by tomorrow.

I wouldn't call it super helpful.

Look, we will bring this thing in on time, okay?

The Burns brothers are as professional as it gets.

Hey, random question.

Was that vase out here expensive?

The kids broke the vase?

Right. Yeah, the kids.

But don't ask them about it; they'll just lie.

Whoa, what's going on here?

I have bugs on my head.

Welcome home, honey. The kids have lice.

Would you stop telling everybody about that?

He's your dad. You've pooped in his hand.

Stop telling everybody about that!

How can we have lice again?

I thought you could only get that once.

No, that's mono.

And somehow I've taken that around the block a few times.

Lowell was kind enough to come and treat everybody.

Actually, I told Andi it's easy and she could do it,

and she said, "Oh, I have to do it because I'm a woman?"

And I came right over.

Wow, you are milking that like a dairy cow.

It's no big deal.

I had the supplies because I just treated my kids.

Apparently, the whole school has it.

Well, why wouldn't they tell us that?

Wait a minute.

Here it is.

Teddy!

Hey, don't shoot the messenger.

You're not the messenger. You never deliver the message!

Okay, guys, you're done.

Go upstairs and rinse the little dead bodies out of your hair.

Ugh.

Just talking about these bugs makes me itchy.

Actually, um, you guys should get checked.

Oh, and we have to tell your dad, too.

He took the kids to that ball pit place yesterday.

You should let them know, too.

Hey, if you go to a ball pit and all you catch is lice,

you dodged a bullet.

The kids' feet don't reach the bottom, but mine did.

It's wet down there.

Okay, Don's clean.

Yeah, they couldn't make it up to the penthouse.

But Adam's got some friends on top.

Oh.

I can't believe this.

Honey, it's okay.

It just means you're a loving, affectionate dad.

And Don's a cold, distant uncle.

You're gonna have to notify everybody you were with today.

Well, we weren't with anyone except each other.

Oh!

Adam, are-are you okay?

The kids were all over Lisa's office.

They probably gave her lice!

If we left them home with signs around their necks,

this never would've happened.

I-I'm sure she'll understand. I mean, she's probably got kids.

The only way she has kids is if she lured them

into her candy house to eat them for dinner.

Listen, we got to get out in front

of this lice thing with Lisa.

Okay, we gave up all of our other work for this job.