Parks and Recreation

- LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE NEXT CITY COUNCILOR

FOR THE GREAT CITY OF PAWNEE,

BOBBY NEWPORT.

HEY.

THANKS, GUY.

HEY, ALL RIGHT.

HI, I'M BOBBY NEWPORT.

YOU KNOW, WE'RE TWO DAYS INTO THIS CAMPAIGN,

AND SO FAR IT'S GOING GREAT.

IN FACT, I DON'T KNOW WHY THEY CALL IT A "CAM-PAIN."

BECAUSE UP UNTIL NOW IT'S BEEN A "CAM-PLEASURE."

ALL RIGHT, HEY, WHY DON'T WE LINE UP FOR AUTOGRAPHS

AND FREE BOBBY BARS.

HUH? WHO WANTS A BOBBY BAR?

- BOBBY NEWPORT, HEIR TO THE SWEETUMS CANDY FORTUNE.

MY DAD MADE 'EM.

HE JUST ENTERED THE RACE,

AND HE'S ALREADY 70 POINTS UP IN ALL THE POLLS.

HE IS ATTRACTIVE AND CHARMING.

AND HIS FAMILY EMPLOYS HALF THE TOWN,

BUT SO WHAT?

I AM A LIFELONG GOVERNMENT BUREAUCRAT

WHO'S WELL-VERSED IN THE ISSUES.

AND THOSE ARE THE KIND OF SEXY QUALIFICATIONS

THAT WIN ELECTIONS.

- HOW'S IT GOING? I'M BOBBY NEWPORT.

BUT YOU PROBABLY KNEW THAT ALREADY.

- WELL, MR. NEWPORT, WE MEET AT LAST.

I'M LESLIE KNOPE.

AH, OKEYDOKE.

SO DO YOU WANT ME TO SIGN THAT TO MISS LOPE OR JUST NESNEY?

WHAT? NO.

LESLIE'S FINE. - LESLIE?

- YEAH, MISS KNOPE IS A CANDIDATE FOR CITY COUNCIL.

BEEN CALLING YOUR OFFICE TRYING TO SET UP A DEBATE.

- OH, NO, YOU GUYS ARE WRONG.

I'M RUNNING UNOPPOSED.

I'M PRETTY SURE I'M RUNNING UNOPPOSED, RIGHT?

- NO, YOU'RE NOT RUNNING UNOPPOSED.

YOU'VE VERY OPPOSED BY ME.

OH, TERRIFIC.

I LOVE MEETING PEOPLE. I LOVE IT, YEAH.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS DO?

WE JUST TOLD YOU.

WE'RE GONNA BE RUNNING FOR CITY COUNCIL.

- GREAT. HERE, HAVE A BOBBY BAR.

GO AHEAD, MY DAD MADE 'EM.

OKAY, FOLKS.

HEY, I'M BOBBY NEWPORT.

I THINK WE SCARED HIM.

- HERE, HAVE A BOBBY BAR. MY DAD MADE 'EM.

*

- HEY, ANN, ARE YOU STILL A NURSE

OR DID THEY FIRE YOU BECAUSE YOU SLEPT WITH ALL THE DOCTORS?

YOU WANNA TRY THAT AGAIN?

- HEY, ANN, ARE YOU STILL A NURSE?

BECAUSE ANDY'S NOT FEELING WELL.

WHAT'S WRONG, ANDY?

JUST GOT A HEADACHE.

AND I'M SEEING DOUBLE.

AND I GOT A SONG STUCK IN MY HEAD,

AND MY TEETH HURT.

ALSO I'M HUNGRY.

- OKAY, WELL, SOME OF THOSE THINGS ARE SYMPTOMS

AND SOME OF THEM ARE JUST BEING A PERSON.

DID YOU HIT YOUR HEAD? - NO.

- OH, YES, TECHNICALLY I DID SMASH MY HEAD AREA

INTO THE WALL AREA.

- YEAH, HE WAS HANGING UP HIS GOLD RECORD.

- OH, MY GOD, ARE YOU OKAY?

YEAH, I'M GOOD.

POINT IS, I HAVE A GOLD RECORD.

- WELL, I CAN HELP YOU WITH CUTS AND BRUISES

BUT THE OTHER STUFF YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SEE A REAL DOCTOR.

- HEY, SMART ASS, WE CAN'T AFFORD IT.

- HEY, SMART ASS, YES, YOU CAN.

YOU HAVE INSURANCE.

- NEITHER OF YOUR ASSES ARE THAT SMART

BECAUSE INSURANCE IS FOR IF SOMETHING BAD HAPPENS

TO YOUR CAR.

P.S. I HAVEN'T HAD IT IN YEARS.

- OH, MY GOD, WE USED TO LIVE TOGETHER.

- YEAH, YOU STILL GOT IT FOR ME.

I'M BOBBY NEWPORT.

MY FAMILY OWNS NINE SQUARE MILES OF LAND IN THIS TOWN.

AND ISN'T MY FAMILY WHAT THIS TOWN'S REALLY ABOUT?

VOTE BOBBY NEWPORT FOR CITY COUNCIL.

THAT GUY IS EVERYWHERE.

I AM NOT COMPLAINING.

- WELL, WE HAVE TO FIND A WAY TO BEAT HIM.

AND LUCKILY BEN IS GOING TO ANNOUNCE

THE MOST AMAZING CAMPAIGN STRATEGY EVER THOUGHT OF

IN THE ENTIRE HISTORY OF WESTERN DEMOCRACY.

GO, BEN, HERE'S YOUR GREAT IDEA.

WE'RE ALL READY FOR IT. AND START.

I'M RUNNING FOR OFFICE. I'M SURROUNDED BY MY FRIENDS.

MY CAMPAIGN MANAGER AND I ARE IN LOVE.

THIS IS EXACTLY HOW I DREAMED IT WOULD BE

WHEN I WAS A KID.

EXCEPT I WASN'T 70 POINTS BEHIND

AND MY CAMPAIGN MANAGER WAS MR. BELVEDERE.

WE ARE DAVID.

NEWPORT IS GOLIATH.

THIS IS OUR SLINGSHOT.

- YES, WE'LL WRITE AN INSPIRING OP-ED PIECE.

- NO, THE PAWNEE-EAGLETON HIGH SCHOOL BASKETBALL GAME.

NOW, IN THIS TOWN IT'S BIGGER THAN THE SUPER BOWL.

WE TAKE ALL OUR MONEY, WE AIR A TV AD RIGHT AT HALFTIME.

AND I THINK WE SHOULD MAKE AN ATTACK AD

AGAINST BOBBY NEWPORT.

- OH! - THAT IS A GREAT IDEA!

- THANK YOU. - EXCELLENT.

- YAY, IT'S A GOOD IDEA. - ALL RIGHT, GREAT.

SO LET'S GET TO WORK.

- RON SWANSON. HOW ARE YOU?

PRESENT.

- I HAVE A MEETING AT PUBLIC WORKS,

AND I WAS THINKING THAT MAYBE YOU MIGHT WANNA SIT IN.

WHY WOULD YOU THINK THAT?

- THEY ARE WORKING ON A NUMBER OF FASCINATING,

BIG-BUDGET PROJECTS...

I'M VERY BUSY HERE.

- THAT I AM BEING FORCED TO BRUTALLY CUT ENTIRELY.

- I CAN MAKE ROOM IN MY SCHEDULE.

WONDERFUL.

AS YOU KNOW, I'M NOT A BIG FAN OF DELIVERING BAD NEWS.

- CHRIS, IT WOULD BE MY ABSOLUTE PLEASURE.

HAVE YOU CONSIDERED CUTTING THE ENTIRE FIRE DEPARTMENT?

I'VE PERSONALLY PUT OUT SEVERAL LOCAL FIRES

AT NO COST TO THE TAXPAYER.

LOOK TO THE LEFT.

THE RIGHT. WHATEVER.

- ARE YOU THE KIND OF DOCTOR

WHO GETS HOOKED ON HIS OWN DRUGS?

I BET YOU ARE.

- SO, ANDY, TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED.

- I WAS READING AN ENCYCLOPEDIA,

AND I TRIPPED OR "FELL OVER"

AND HIT MY HEAD

OR BRAIN HELMET.

- YEAH, HE SNEEZED AND SMACKED HIS HEAD AGAINST THE WALL.

THAT SOUNDS ABOUT RIGHT.

WELL, IF IT'S A CONCUSSION IT'S EXTREMELY MILD,

SO I WOULDN'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

ANYTHING ELSE BOTHERING YOU?

- NOPE. - OKAY.

- WELL, I MEAN, YEAH, I'VE GOT A WEIRD RASH

IN MY KNEE PIT AREA.

AND MY TONGUE, ON THIS SIDE,

DOESN'T TASTE ANYTHING ANYMORE.

SOMETIMES WHEN I WALK MY ANKLES MAKE, LIKE,

A WEIRD RATTLESNAKE SOUND.

WHAT ELSE?

THINGS THAT ARE FAR AWAY FROM MY EYES ARE FUZZY.

I ONCE AT A TWIX WITH THE WRAPPER ON IT,

AND I'VE NEVER SEEN THE WRAPPER COME OUT.

ALSO I'VE SWALLOWED EVERY PIECE OF GUM

THAT I'VE CHEWED FOR THE PAST 25 YEARS.

- ANDY! - I DON'T KNOW.

I BROKE MY THUMB ON THE WAY OVER HERE.

JUST FIX ME.

- WELL, I CAN HELP YOU WITH THE THUMB.

AND I'LL HAVE TO GIVE YOU REFERRALS FOR SPECIALISTS

FOR THE OTHER THOUSAND THINGS.

- WOW, THANKS FOR NOTHING, DR. HARRIS.

YOU'RE WELCOME.

- HEY, I'M BOBBY NEWPORT. I'M A REGULAR GUY.

I LIKE DOGS.

I'M HERE WITH MY PERSIAN GREYHOUND RACLETTE,

WHO WAS GIVEN TO ME BY MY BUDDY,

THE PRETENDER TO THE CROWN OF ALSACE-LORRAINE.

VOTE BOBBY NEWPORT FOR CITY COUNCIL.

- HEY, UM, BETWEEN YOU AND ME,

I THINK THAT DONNA IS HAVING A PROBLEM WITH GOING NEGATIVE

IN THE AD.

- NAH-UH, I ALWAYS GO NEGATIVE.

EVEN IF I LIKE THE GUY I GO NEGATIVE.

KEEPS 'EM INTERESTED.

THANKS, DONNA.

WELL, I DIDN'T WANT TO TELL YOU THIS,

BUT ANN IS HAVING A HARD TIME WITH IT.

SHE'S KIND OF FREAKING OUT RIGHT NOW.

- OH, MY GOD, THIS MAGIC MARKER

SMELLS LIKE CHERRIES.

HEY, HERE'S A QUESTION,

DO YOU LIKE THE IDEA?

- IT'S--WHO--

DO YOU LIKE IT?

- LOOK, YOU HAVE A VISION OF HOW YOUR CAMPAIGN SHOULD GO.

I AM YOUR CHIEF STRATEGIST,

SO I'M SURE WE CAN WORK IT OUT.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

I HATE NEGATIVE ADS,

AND I WOULD NEVER DO ONE IN A MILLION YEARS.

- THANK YOU, JOHN, FOR COMING IN.

THE PUBLIC WORKS DEPARTMENT IS WONDERFUL,

AND YOU ARE THE BEST IDEA MAN IN THE BUSINESS.

- WE'RE CANCELLING ALL OF YOUR ONGOING PROJECTS.

WHAT?

WHAT ABOUT THE PAWNEE RIVER DAM?