LA to Vegas

All right, Alan.

You're not Alan.

I am on the wrong plane.

Tokyo, huh? Cool.

Have a great flight.

Jackpot Airlines. Northeast-bound to Las Vegas.

Papers, huh?

I love papers: wall, toilet,

failing New York Times.

These are divorce papers, so they're slightly less fun.

Tough break, my friend.

I'm in a state of shock about it, Artem.

I just got served in the airport.

And the guy was very tricky about it.

Colin McCormack, please pick up

the nearest white courtesy telephone.

Uh, excuse me. Are you Colin McCormack?

- Yes. - You've been served.

Oh, there's no call. That was me.

Love when they go for the phone.

So sad. I will hug you now.

Okay, thank you. Thank you.

Hey, oy! I'm good. Uh...

Could you do me a favor and not tell everybody about this?

You know, I'd rather the whole plane didn't know my business.

Of course, don't worry. I'm very good at keeping secret.

I will hug you again.

Oh. Okay. Thank you, Artem. Thank you.

So did you hear we're gonna be grounded in Vegas for the night?

What? No. I had plans in L.A. tonight.

I was gonna go to my friend Jeff's luau.

- You hate luaus. -I hate Jeff, too, but that's not the point.

This was gonna be my first night out in forever.

God, this job makes it impossible

to have a social life.

Right now, my only social interactions are yelling at drunk passengers.

- This iPad is broken. - That's a magazine.

It seems like you're doing all right.

What about all those fun party pictures on your Instagram?

- I faked them. - But I saw your legs on a beach.

Those were two hotdogs and my Cancún screen saver.

I take my like back.

Hey, Captain Dave here.

If you're looking for a little female companionship,

then head over to Madame's, the oldest strip club in Vegas

that's now Vegas's newest retirement community.

And those women could really use someone to chat with.

Tell them Craig sent you.

'Cause that's what they think my name is.

Hey. I just wanted to come over and see how you were doing.

I'm good. How are you?

Oh, I'm just asking because Artem told me about the divorce papers.

Oh, come on. He swore he wouldn't tell anybody.

Yeah, well, it's Artem, so that's really on you.

Anyway, you know, if there's anything I can do...

Ronnie, honestly, I'm okay.

I just don't want anybody else to know.

Hey. How are you, Colin?

Ah, good. So you know, too.

Look, I know this is a really difficult time for you,

but the good news is you now qualify

for the Grapefruits Divorce Special.

You get two free lap dances and then they flatten your wedding ring

into a souvenir coin.

Ah, two free lap dances. Artem!

Is there anybody else you told about my impending divorce?

Me? No. I swear.

Hey, Colin McCormack, this is your captain.

Please report to the front galley to discuss your impending divorce.

Okay.

I don't know why you're mad. Everyone on this plane is Team Colin,

even the cheerleaders going to Vegas for competition.

Isn't that right, girls?

You should get a lawyer who will...

Be aggressive! Be, be aggressive!

- Thanks, mate. - Yeah.

- Ugh. - What's up?

I specifically took tonight off

to hang out with my friend Krystal, and she bailed on me.

God, it's so hard having a social life in the stripper world.

I have the same problem because of the weird hours, right?

Yeah, and all the fun girls get exported by Saudi princes.

So you're not doing anything tonight?

- Not anymore. - Me neither.

Would it be crazy if we hung out?

Mm, I don't know. We've never hung out before.

Although, I did have a dream once where I braided your hair.

I have the perfect face shape for a braid.

- That's what I said in the dream. - Oh, my God!

- Let's do it. - Yay!

And now you can finally post some fun, real pics on Instagram.

- Aw, you follow me. - No, I follow Bernard.

Oh.

So, I heard you got slapped with the big "D."

- Excuse me? - Divorce. It's rough.

I've been there. I've actually had three big D's

slap me right across the face.

You have to know you're saying that wrong.

The first month is the hardest. You reevaluate everything.

Month two, you start exploring.

Go to Peru, do some ayahuasca, buy a fun bowling shirt.

And the next woman that gives you attention, you marry immediately.

But boredom brings that second divorce.

You start drinking, get some tattoos,

and on a bender, you marry your tattoo artist.

But by the time the third divorce comes,

you sign the papers at the dog track

and realize Scientology's got some decent ideas.

Huh.

Well, if I'm honest, I am a little peeved

at the way that my ex has been handling things.

Yup. Let it out. Build that fire.

I mean, we promised we'd be civil to each other, you know?

I mean, my parents, they did their divorce right.

My father grew a beard, mother went on a food journey

with her "special friend" Charlotte.

No one gets out unscarred.

My first ex-wife took the dog. My second wife took the cat.

And my third wife took the dog from my first ex-wife.

Her lawyer was amazing.

You know what you really need?

A night out with your boys to blow off some steam.

Well, I don't have many "boys" anymore.

I mean, honestly, it's tough maintaining friendships

when you spend every weekend flying from L.A. to Vegas.

I mean, really, I only do three things:

sleep, teach, and fly out to see my son.

Well, I only do three things:

sleep, fly, and right wrongs when I see them.

And if you don't have boys,

it's on me to take you out for a guys night.

- That is really not necessary. - Too late.

This bro-tisserie chicken is already on the rack and rolling.

Bernie, saddle up. We're taking Colin out for a guys night.

What's it gonna take you to go?

Free drinks and you have to buy ten tickets to my one-man show,

Mother Eartha: The Eartha Kitt Story.

LA Weekly said it was "lit well."

Done, you're in.

Hey, I want in on this night with men,

and I don't even care what we're doing.

I just have crazy FOMO.

- What are you guys talking about? - Your mom.

Oh, what a slut, right?

No, we're talking about guys night. Right?

Guys night? I want to come. Please.

- Fine, Alan. But no blow. - What?

Hold on, who's flying the plane?

It's on autopilot.

I save these hands for takeoffs and landings.

I mean, does a surgeon do the middle of an operation?

- Yes. - You don't know. Come on, Alan.

Let's look out the window and play "Spot The Pools."

Hey, thank you for lending me this dress.

It's surprisingly heavy, though.

Yeah, it's weighted so I'm harder to kidnap.

Your life is so cool. Like, that's what I should be doing.

I'm still young, I should be afraid of getting kidnapped.

You really should. You're pretty enough.

If you worked in the club, you'd be that cocktail waitress that all

the guys are like, "Why isn't she stripping?"

Aw. Thank you.

I bet on the plane, all the drunk passengers

"accidentally" brush your butt all the time.

Yeah, and they "accidentally" get hot coffee spilled on their junk.

That is the only action I've had in the last six months.

So I'd love to meet someone where the groping is mutual.

Well, you know what?

- We're gonna make that happen right now. -What are you doing?

This guy I'm sort of dating has a friend

who'd be perfect for you, so I'm gonna see if he's around.

Wow, okay. Oh, wait.

If he's just home with no plans, does that mean he's lame?

Well, I didn't have plans, so we're both lame.

- Maybe this is a bad idea. - He said he's available.

- I'm in! - Tequila soda!

It is officially cool o'clock.

- All right. - All the homies are here.

We're gonna pregame at the most exclusive joint in town.

- Cool. - Nice.

So, this is the most exclusive joint in town?

We're the only ones here, aren't we?

It's got everything we need: free drinks, free food,

and sweet, sweet tunes.

I just downloaded this killer karaoke app.

I got the Spin Doctors' "Two Princes" all cued up.

Bernie, you want to sing first?

Do I look like I'm playing hacky sack

on the quad at Dartmouth?

Good call. Rest the pipes. In the meantime,

the oxygen bar is open!

Oh. So we're all gonna share that, are we?

Yeah, man. Puff, puff, pass.

- Oh. - Ah, they're cute!

I think. I don't know; it's so dark in here.

Is it? Yeah, I spend so much time in strip clubs,

I can practically see in the dark.

It's called stripper vision. It's a real thing.

- Hi! - Babe.

Ronnie, this is Justin and Thad.