The Forbidden Room

Hello. I'm Marv.

Today we're gonna discuss baths.

More specifically, how to take one.

Baths have been around for a long time.

The ancient Romans built fancy ones,

like Caracalla.

In the Middle Ages they were called stews,

because you had to be stewed in order to take one.

They were open to both sexes.

Today the Japanese have bisexual bathing.

Here in America we didn't bathe so much until recently.

The Saturday night bath used to be a ritual.

Today it's more like every other day

or... even every day.

How do I know this?

People have told me. That's how.

Start drawing your bath

until it gets to the temperature you want.

Meanwhile, remove clothing.

Carefully insert your big toe in the waters.

This will tell you if it's too hot or too cold.

Hopefully it'll be just right.

Once in the tub, start soaping.

Start with the armpits

and work down to the genital area.

Work carefully in ever-widening circles.

Breathing, breathing.

In short, gentlemen,

because of the destabilization

the blasting jelly has become depressurized...

All 500 pounds of it.

The only thing

that keeps it from going off and destroying us all

is the 50 fathoms of ocean pressure above our heads.

If we were to rise any higher,

we'd be blown to Nep...

We haven't surfaced in months.

We need food.

-We need oxygen. -We should tell the captain.

No. No!

He hates

to be bothered.

But this is important!

Let's make a break for it!

Let's head for the surface and hope for the best!

Are you mad?

We'd be blown to Neptune's daughters!

We are doomed anyway!

Is it really so mad?

Two days. Forty-eight hours of oxygen.

Breathing.

Breathing, breathing.

Why always flapjacks?

I told you,

there are air pockets in the batter

of these flapjacks.

Our oxygen will last almost twice as long

with these babies.

No. Leave it. Leave it! Leave it!

He's wet!

Why... this is freshwater!

If he got in,

maybe we can get out.

How did you... Wh... How did you get here?

I can't remember.

I was in a forest.

I saw... a woman.

-Who is this man? -Why, that's our captain.

I know him.

Twelve hours.

In just 12 little hours...

Breathing, breathing,

breathing,

breathing, breathing,

breathing.

Wait! Maybe we shouldn't bother the captain after all.

We're the jelly boys.

Our place is here in the back, protecting the jelly.

What the stuff is I couldn't tell you,

but it's our job to take care of it.

Should he be here?

Should be in the forest.

Four men in the forest,

as the old bard wrote in one of his lesser-known plays,

trying to rescue a kidnapped woman.

They can't agree on anything.

Or so the story goes.

Now see here, boys.

I know we've been rivals for Margot in the past.

This is an emergency.

We must put aside all the dirty tricks

we've been happy to play to each other and work together.

Yes, but the Red Wolves...

The most feared forest bandits in all of Holstein-Schleswig.

Yes, I know, but we can't let that stop us. They have Margot.

And who knows what they're doing to her.

We are aspiring lumberjacks. Strong men.

Saplingjacks are four fine here standing.

We know a hundred more woodmen in these parts.

We all have our axes and our brawn.

We just have to get together and attack.

We can get her back and put an end to these Wolves once and for all!

I can make a list of all the lumberjacks we could ask.

We have no time for lists!

I can go to the various camps and see if anyone's interested,

see how many people we can get.

Make sure you tell them that it's Margot that's missing. She's so beautiful.

There's bound to be more volunteers

if they know they're going into the forest for Margot.

No. No questions. No surveys.

We go now. We crush the Red Wolves and we get Margot.

I can't go. I can't come. I-I-I'm...

I would... I want to, but I-I-I-I can't.

I'll come. I just have to finish the cord. It'll take two minutes.

Then I'll come with you, even if it's just the two of us.

I love Margot, and I resent you suggesting I don't.

They say the Red Wolves have fled to Mergel's Cave.

Fled?

Look! A model of Mergel's Cave!

We can use it to make a plan!

Which one of you is Wolf?

I am... Wolf.

You are Wolf, the leader of the Red Wolves?

Yes, I am their leader.

But who are you that risks his life to ask such an obvious question?

I am Cesare, and I'm not worried about risks.

I seek to join your men and serve you.

How do you expect to earn a robber's trust?

Obey you. Obey you.

Obey you.

Then obey me now.

Starting now,

every night you must perform a task exactly as I describe it.

Terrifying ordeals

that have winnowed the weaklings from our number

since the days of my father.

If you pass through this terrifying ordeal,

you will then earn the right...

But only then...

To rob by my side

and wear the pelt of the Red Wolves.

I'm ready for your worst.

-Yeah! -Yeah!

You have earned our trust and devotion.

Welcome, brother wolf.

Saplingjack, return tomorrow night

and move that rock

from there to here.

And return the night after that

and drink the boiling water from this cauldron.

And again the night after

to challenge this gazelle to a foot race.

Wouldn't that be a test more worthy of the Red Wolves?

Yes, saplingjack.

Tomorrow night,

and night after night till you've earned our trust.

And I'll tell you when you've earned it.

In the meantime,

daybreak comes.

Sleep among us if you will,

but not with us.

Come to sleep.

I don't understand you.

You beg me to come meet you here, you need to talk,

and then you make me wait for hours?

A man could easily kill you.

Ladies and gentlemen, put your hands together

for...

Good evening. Thanks very much. My name is...

Got a little song for you. Goes something like this.

Master!

Master!

Thank you! You've been a great audience.

See you next time, everybody. Drive carefully. Good night.

You know I love you anyway.

See, now, that's a story.

As for what's going on here in this submarine,

I don't know what it is, but it makes me nervous.

Hey, you know the old joke...

What's the difference between a woman in a bathtub and a woman in church?

Give you a clue.

The woman in church has hope in her soul.

Be careful about passing gas when you're in the bathtub.

It doesn't just go away.

Look. He hasn't even eaten his flapjacks.

He is not here.

Everything's chained and locked.

We shouldn't be in here.

His mother's room. He sleeps there sometimes.

The fights they have!

It's an old struggle with scars on both sides.

Hot magma flows between them,

for the whole earth is not solid,

but everywhere gaping and hollowed

with empty rooms and spaces

and hidden burrows.

Let's get that parachute on you!

Sorry about that.

Who are you? Go!

Dream, volcano. This is for you.