Girls

At best party ever.

All of Brooklyn and two-thirds of Manhattan will be here.

- Oh! - Marnie, this is... this is Audrey.

This happened in two weeks?

That is Adam and I am not gonna talk to him.

- You seem great. - Thank you.

- I just smoked crack. That's gonna happen? - You're gonna be fine.

It's okay. It's okay.

- Shoshanna! - Do not get raped by the man in plaid.

- Tako: Is that how you know Adam? - Hannah: How?

- Through A.A. - He's in A.A.?

Jeff: I can't believe I texted you to hang out.

Oh, my God. I'm that guy.

I don't think you're cool.

Let's let cooler heads prevail... Oh, my God!

I can't do this kind of thing anymore.

You're a tease.

Please stop the bike, Adam!

Look, kid, I don't know what you want from me.

Do you want me to be your boyfriend?

Oh, my God.

That is the cutest thing I've ever seen in my whole life.

I was an amazing child.

Could you fly?

Could I what?

Could you fly?

Could you fly?

No, I couldn't fly, but then again, I didn't have ears that big.

- Now you're gonna get it. - ( Laughing )

I was joking. I was joking.

Too bad, 'cause this is gonna hurt you more than it does me.

You were a beautiful baby.

- ( Hannah moans ) - Adam: Oh, God.

- Hannah: Oh, my God. - Adam: Would you have fucked a four-year-old me?

Hannah: I was only two.

Adam: How fat were you? Be honest.

- ( Bedsprings squeaking ) - ( Hannah moaning )

- Oh, my God. - Adam: That's what I thought.

You were probably a really late walker...

- Oh, my God. - ...And you were probably toilet trained really late.

Hannah: Oh, God. Oh, my God.

- Hannah: Oh. - Adam: Go, go, go, go, go.

Hannah: Oh, I'm gonna come. I'm gonna come.

One more time.

Adam: That was fast.

- Hannah: Thank you. - Adam: Thank you.

Girls - 1x08 - "Weirdos Need Girlfriends Too" Original air date: 03.06.2012.

- You'll feel it soon. - I won't.

I told you, okay, endorphins don't work on me,

And anyone who's ever promised me a runner's high is full of bullshit.

- Okay... no, no, no, no. - This is embarrassing.

- No, no, no, no, no. - You go on without me.

You just gotta reach your threshold and run past it.

- Come on, high-five me. - Your hands are, like, 10 feet from me.

So catch the fuck up! High-five me!

- Come on! - I don't like this, Adam.

- Yes, yes. - I hate this. I hate this. I hate this.

Fuck, yes. I fucking love it. Hannah, you're doing awesome.

- I hate this! Whoo! - That's great.

- This'll change your life, I swear it. - Whoo! Into what?

Whoa, pace yourself, kid. Pace yourself.

Wow, no. Wow!

What the fuck?! Get up.

You're, like, three blocks from your house!

You could hop home.

No, get up!

Come on!

Charlie's in the bushes!

Charlie's in the bushes! Come on!

Oh, my God.

- Fucker. What? - Look.

The ice-cream truck is parked directly in front of my house.

- It's like life is a dream. - Oh, shit.

- What? - I don't do ice cream. It's like sweet mucus.

- Are you serious? - Yeah.

Yes.

- I mean, you can have some, though. - Do you have any cash?

Look at me... I'm not even wearing any underwear.

- Where would I put cash? - I'm not wearing any underwear either.

- Hey. - Man: Hey.

She'll show you her tits if you give her some ice cream.

- I'm not gonna do that. - Yes, you will.

- I'm not gonna do that. - Just kidding. I have $5.

Mm-mm.

If you don't like ice cream, what do you like?

I like you.

I'm done with these.

Hello.

- Hannah: Marn, you okay? - Of course I am.

What, I can't just, like, catch up on some stuff

from the comfort of my own bed on a weekend morning?

Okay, well, is it Charlie stuff?

He and Audrey went to Rome. They went to fucking Rome.

She had a work trip to Milan and then they took a couple of days in Rome.

And he was making all those wishes at those, like, overrated fountains

And they took a bajillion pictures of it.

- This is your ex-boyfriend? - Yes.

And you still wanna tap that?

Well, we were seriously involved for four years

and I am now dealing with the deeply painful fact

that I'm probably not gonna end up with him.

Okay, you never wanted to end up with him.

Hannah, don't minimize.

- That shit's really hard. - Sorry.

- Adam: I'm sorry to hear you're going through that. - Thank you.

When I broke up with my girlfriend from college... so sad.

I lost 30 pounds. I couldn't move or talk

or get my dick hard, but it also made me go,

"Hey, who am I and what do I want?"

Then I was like, boom, I know who I am.

I wanted to switch majors and buy a circular saw,

and I promised myself that I'd follow my gut no matter what.

And I'd do what makes me feel good.

What makes you feel good?

I like... reading.

- ( Cell phone ringing ) - Hannah: Oh, here.

- Okay, we gotta jet out. We gotta go to tech. - Okay.

Yo, skank. Where you at? Gettin' that pussy pounded?

- It's my sister. - Oh.

No one's ever taken me to their tech rehearsal before.

You just say "tech."

Sorry that I don't know all the terms.

I'm just a little bit nervous to see it, you know?

- Like, are you nervous to have me see it? - No.

I'm really excited for you to see it

Because I'm really good at acting and writing.

Plus, the play could be really good.

Ew.

Gay.

What?

- Hello? Who is it? - It's Jessa.

Let me in. My thighs are on fire.

Hi.

Oh, my God.

Ugh! My thighs are really rubbing together like nobody's business.

It's like they're red and raw and burning hot.

Feels like I had an epic fuckfest with a ghost.

I just wish I had a wheelchair for June and July.

Hannah isn't here. She left with Adam.

But we had a plan. She knew that I lost my job

and she was gonna console me today.

Yeah, well, get used to it.

I mean, she hasn't really been very good about keeping many plans

these days, or really any days.

Actually, she's always been flaky about keeping plans.

And then, like, apologizing for it like you're gonna shoot her.

Have you ever noticed when she gets dressed up,

She'll, like, put on a good dress and nice shoes

and then, like, do her lipstick and then will, like, leave her forehead shiny?

- Yes. Yeah. - Right?

It's like you've come this far.

- Both: Wash your forehead. - I know.

It would be very easy.

Maybe now that she has this boyfriend,

she'll start taking better care of herself.

What's the deal with that guy?

Is he, like, a great thinker or just a total fucking idiot?

I don't know... he's not, like, un-nice or anything.

He's just fucking weird.

Like, I walked into the bathroom the other day...

I kid you not, he was sitting there, taking a shit

and drinking milk at the same time, and just stared at me.

That kind of a person would just totally masturbate in front of anyone any day.

Ew. I'm sure you're right.

I don't know... I just feel bad for her.

She's never had a normal boyfriend that's not gay, you know?

I don't know... maybe she just doesn't realize how bizarre he is.

You look really gorgeous.

I love you all stripped down.

I've never been this miserable in my life.

It's totally working.

No, okay.

It's my first day of the sixth grade.

Mm, I don't know where to sit.

I just moved to town last week

and I've spent every day since either reading in my hammock

or jerking off, which I just learned to do.

And I'm pretty sure I'm the only one

who knows how to perform this awesome trick.

You just pull your wiener till it's hard and suddenly, it's a cock.

And I know everyone in bio class is looking at me

because who else is 6'3" when they're 12 years old?

I smell like sweat.

I smell like a gerbil as I sit down and try hard to make eye contact

with Shelby Carruthers.

Hey! I like your pen.

Did you get it at the mall?

It's not a regular pen, right?

She got up and moved five chairs down

and didn't talk to me again for five years until junior year

when I fucked her on the strip of lawn

between the liquor store and the dog salon.

And the whole time, I was seeing that pen...

Its pink, fuzzy end moving through the air.

"That'll teach you. That'll teach you.

That'll teach you."

I haven't figured the rest of that bit out, Gavin,

So we can skip to the canoe part.

I haven't been on this river in a long time.