Quartet

Thank you, ladies. Octavia's usual spot.

There you go. Is that OK for you?

Nowhere near where you should be, Bobby. Give me the score, will you?

Wilf, the gala's only a month away.

I couldn't work out what you were doing.

Can we take it from the top, please?

– (Wilf sings out of sync with piano) – (all laugh)

You're g... Bobby, you're going too fast for me. I'm sorry, Cedric.

– It's "See-dric". – See-dric.

Could you give me the intro again, please?

– (Wilf sings out of sync with piano) – (all laugh)

You did it again. I'm on fire here and you're holding me back.

Be quiet! You find this amusing. I don't.

It won't be amusing if they shut this place down.

Thank you, Nigel. You're so kind to do that. Thank you. Now stop, please.

The man said thank you. That's it. Is there no end to your bloody talent?

– (all laugh) – Cissy, please pay attention.

– Ready. – You must listen.

Never bother with him, Cissy. He's a bully.

Now, Lotte, in bars 17, 18 and 19, you were deeply flat.

No, I don't think I was. I think the piano needs tuning.

Anne, darling, would you mind singing it for us?

I don't do chorus, Cedric. I never have.

I achieved immediate international success at the Royal Opera

when I was only 21 years old.

Cedric, we should have been using this room five minutes ago.

Well, the space is entirely yours, gentlemen.

The rehearsals are over. Come along, Bobby. Come on, hurry up.

Beautiful.

You're making a fool of my part.

Reggie, it's empty. You can't save seats, Reg. Wilf, he's not coming.

– Why now? – You seem to think you own the thing.

We've been sitting at this table since I came here.

Yes, that's precisely the point.

It's not fair, Reggie. We want the window sometimes, don't we?

If this place has to shut down in six months, which it might,

I want to try and remember I once had a fucking window seat.

Excuse me, please.

You can't deny it, Wilf. You soloists would be lost without us.

Say that once more and I swear I'll ram a fork up your jacksie, Harry.

– He's right, Wilf. – Anybody got a fork?

– And you know he is. – Make that two forks.

Ah, merci, Angelique. Have you done something new with your hair?

No. I just put my fringe in front.

I love your fringe in front.

I gave you extra slice of fried bread this morning.

– I noticed. – And your favourite. Apricot jam.

Magnifique, Angelique. Fancy vous a little rumpy-pumpy ce soir?

Qu'est-ce que c'est, rumpy-pumpy?

Secrets of the marriage bed. You have to answer my proposal first.

– Bon appétit. – Cissy. Cissy.

– Cissy. Cissy. – Ready.

– Remember the emergency meeting, 12:15. – Cedric. Cedric. Breakfast time.

This is critical. All members of the gala committee,

please note we have a serious problem with our star tenor, Frank White.

As such, there's an emergency meeting at 12 noon precisely.

Reggie, don't forget to remind me.

I'll set my watch.

Hey, what's this, look? Didn't you say today was the day, Reg?

– What's today? – Tadek's fetching the new arrival.

– There's to be a new arrival? – (Wilf) We've talked about it for days.

– You, too. – Have we? Who is it?

– They'd only send a van for a star. – Hm-hmm.

When I came, I had to pay for my own taxi.

They sent a private car with a chauffeur for me.

This is the replacement for Leonard Timms.

He was a real dear friend of mine. I'm really gonna miss him terribly.

He was a genius. He could fart at will.

– We're having breakfast. – I'm not kidding.

– Don't let that stop you. – It's true. I saw it with my own eyes.

He got down on all fours and went into a meditative state,

and when he was ready, he could exhale and inhale through his anal canal.

– I suppose that's the stroke talking. – I suppose it must be.

Hey, Cissy, do you think I could replace Nobby for a quick one in the long grass?

You have the nicest tits I've ever seen in my life.

Thank you.

Reg, you've got to try this jam.

It's unbelievable. It's like eating Christmas.

– (clatters) – (gasps)

Be careful with that one. It's fragile.

I come back for the trunk, and for you.

I... I... I apologise.

Please be kind. We were different people then.

Be kind. Be kind.

– I can't do this. I can't. Stop. – You say to me something?

What did you say?

– Why are we stopping? – We are not.

– We are on the way. – Right.

– Should I call Dr Cogan? – No. No, thank you.

These hydrangeas are beautiful. Do you like them, Marta?

Yes, I do, but I would never put them on a table.

Well, this is new. I've never seen you arranging flowers before, Dr Cogan.

Haven't you noticed we've cut down on staff in the past few months?

And is this for the new arrival? Is it? Or is that a secret? Is it, Marta?

Is that a new skirt you're wearing, Dr Cogan?

It clings beautifully to you.

And how it accentuates your already beautiful legs.

My goodness. What do you think of that, Marta?

– I don't talk such things. – You're overstepping the line, Wilf.

Go for your walk.

I would love to if only you would come with me.

– Go for your walk. – May I?

I wonder if you could help me. I can never do this without my glasses.

I can't see a thing.

– You don't have a buttonhole, Wilf. – Well, there you go.

I could propose to you, but this is as close to kneeling as I get.

– Go for your walk. – Sure.

– Would you like to join me, Marta? – I don't do such things.

He's a very naughty boy.

He could be your father or your grandfather.

Like that, OK? Swing it close to the ground. That's it. That's it.

Like a pendulum. Just like this.

When you're finished being a croquet expert,

a pound says I'll kick your arse.

The way you play, you probably will.

You forget, I saw your Barber of Seville.

Your singing brought tears to my ears.

Saw you in Carmen. I'll never forget it, but I'll try.

– Morning, Nobby. – Ah, morning, Mr Bond.

– Simon, what's up? – All good, mate.

By the way, Nobby, if you get a chance,

I could use another one of the usual. Do you need any money?

, No, I've got some change from last time.

I'll stick it in the usual place.

And watch it. Cissy Robson's been looking for you all morning.

Can't think why. I'm the most attractive man in the place.

I read somewhere that the average man thinks of sex every seven seconds.

Do you?

I wish it was only every seven seconds.

Do you know, the first time I set eyes on her,

I thought she was the most beautiful,

sexiest creature I'd ever clapped eyes on.

– (alarm rings) – Oh.

Oh, Cissy, Cissy, my love,

can you imagine the passionate love we might have made?

But it's not too late. We can still dive beneath the blankets

and cuddle each other till the end of time.

What do you say to that, sweetie?

Ready. Why are you laughing?

You'll never guess what I've been listening to. Our Rigoletto.

– We are so lovely. – Cissy, the gala committee.

God!

This was the last time we sang it, remember?

– Why have they reissued it? – (Wilf) I don't know.

I remember the recording session, the production, like it was yesterday,

and yet I can't remember what I had for breakfast.

– Apricot jam. – Rigoletto, Horton and Paget.

You'll notice my name isn't there, of course.

I should've been top of the bill. I had the named part.

Still, I made a living from it, which was all I wanted.

I'm not like you, you see. You're an artist. I'm an artisan.

Where's my bag? I can't find my bag. Where is it?

Oh, thank you, Reggie.

And you're safe back from Karachi and I'm so glad. Oh!

– Why Karachi? – Her father was Indian army.

– Do you think she's getting worse, Reg? – Yes.

Boom, boom, tshhh!

You might as well get used to it. Rap's here to stay.

– I don't think it is. – You said that about the Beatles.

– It isn't music. – They think it is.

– Who? – The kids you're talking to.

That's better. That was good.

Now, this is a bloody disaster!

– Read it! – Come in, Cissy.

– What? Oh, what? – Cissy.

– (Cedric) You're late. – Sorry. I said I was sorry.

Sit down. Frank White has just pulled out.

He doesn't feel up to the gala. It's even in the local paper.

– (pianist) Well, he's not well. – Darling Frank White.

– He's such a lovely man. – This is a disaster.

Because he's pulled out, ticket sales have already fallen by 60 percent.

The givers aren't giving.

If we can't make the gala into the hottest ticket in town,

this house could collapse about our ears.

We could lose it. We have to find a replacement for Frank immediately.

Who was it who said old age is not for sissies?