Quartet

Thank you, ladies. Octavia's usual spot.

- Is that OK for you? - Yes.

Nowhere near where you should be, Bobby. Give me the score, will you?

Wilf, the gala's only a month away.

I couldn't work out what you were doing.

Can we take it from the top, please?

Bobby, you're going too fast for me.

- I'm sorry, Cedric. - It's 'Cee-dric'.

Oh, Cee-dric. Could you give me the intro again, please?

You did it again! I'm on fire here and you're holding me back!

Be quiet! You find this amusing. I don't!

It won't be amusing if they shut this place down.

Thank you, Nigel. You are so kind to do that. Thank you. Now stop, please.

- Is there no end to your bloody talent? - Cissy! Please... pay... attention.

- Ready. - You must listen.

Never bother with him, Cissy. He's a bully.

Now, Lottie, in bars 17, 18 and 19, you were deeply flat.

No, I don't think I was. I think the piano needs tuning.

Anne, darling, would you mind singing it for us?

I don't do chorus, Cedric. I never have.

I achieved immediate international success at the Royal Opera

when I was only 21 years old.

Cedric, we should have been using this room five minutes ago.

Oh, yeah. The space is entirely yours, gentlemen.

The rehearsals are over. Come on, Bobby. Come on. Hurry up.

Beautiful.

You're making a fool of my part.

Reggie, it's empty. You can't save seats, Reg.

He's not coming.

- Wilf, he's not coming. - Why now?

You seem to think that you own the thing.

We've been sitting at this table since I first came here.

- That's precisely the point. - It's not fair, Reggie.

We want the window sometimes, don't we?

Yes. If this place has to shut down in six months, which it very well might,

then I want to try and remember I once had a fucking window seat.

Excuse me, please.

You can't deny it, Wilf, you soloists would be lost without us.

Say that once more, and I swear I'll ram a fork up yourjacksy, Harry.

- He's right, Wilf. - Anybody got a fork?

- And you know he is. - Make that two forks.

Ah, merci, Angelique. Have you done something new to your hair?

- No, I just put my fringe in front. - Oh, I love your fringe in front.

I give you extra slice of fried bread this morning.

- I noticed. - And your favourite - apricot jam.

Oh. Magnifique, Angelique.

Fancy vous a little rumpy-pumpy ce soir?

Qu'est-ce que c'est, 'rumpy-pumpy'?

Oh, secrets of the marriage bed,

you'll have to answer my proposal at once.

Bon appétit.

- Cissy, Cissy! - Ready.

- Remember the emergency meeting, 12:15. - Cedric. Cedric.

- Breakfast time. - This is critical.

All members of the gala committee, please note,

we have a serious problem with our star tenor, Frank White.

As such, there's an emergency meeting at 12 noon - precisely.

Reggie, don't forget to remind me.

I'll set my watch.

Hey, what's this? Look.

- Didn't you say today was the day, Reg? - What's today?

Tadek setting off to fetch the new arrival.

- There's to be a new arrival? - Cissy, we've talked about it for days.

- You too. - Really?

- Yeah. - Who is it?

- They'd only send the van for a star. - Mm-hm.

When I came, I had to pay for me own taxi.

They sent a private car with a chauffeur for me.

This is a replacement for Leonard Timms.

He was a real dear friend of mine. I'm really gonna miss him terribly.

He was a genius, you know. He could fart at will.

Yeah, Wilf, we're having breakfast.

- I'm not kidding. - But don't let that stop you.

I swear it's true. I saw it with my own eyes.

He got down on all fours and went into a meditative state.

And when he was ready, he could exhale and inhale through his anal canal.

- I suppose that's the stroke talking. - I suppose it must be.

Hey, Cissy, do you think I could replace Nobby for a quick one in the long grass?

You have the nicest tits I've ever seen in my life.

Thank you.

Reg, you've got to try this jam. It is unbelievable.

It's like eating Christmas.

Be careful with that one.

It's fragile.

I come back for the trunk. And for you.

I... I... I apologise.

Please be kind.

We were different people then.

Be kind. Be kind.

I can't do this. I can't. Stop. Stop.

- You say to me something? - What did you say?

- Why are we stopping? - We are not.

- We're on the way. - Right.

- Should I call Dr Cogan? - No. No, thank you.

These hydrangeas are beautiful. Do you like them, Marta?

Yes, I do, but I would never put on my table.

Well, well, well, this is new.

I've never seen you arranging flowers before, Dr Cogan.

Really, Wilf? Haven't you noticed we've cut down on staff in the past months?

And is this for the new arrival? Is it? Or is that a secret?

Is it, Marta?

Is that a new skirt you're wearing, Dr Cogan?

It clings beautifully to you.

And how it accentuates your already beautiful legs.

My goodness. What do you think of that, Marta?

I don't talk such things.

You're overstepping the line, Wilf. Go for your walk.

I would love to, if only you would come with me.

Go for your walk.

May I?

I wonder if you could help me. I can never do this without my glasses.

I can't see a thing.

You don't have a buttonhole, Wilf.

Well, there you go.

You know, I could propose to you, but this is as close to kneeling as I get.

Go for your walk.

Sure. Would you like to join me, Marta?

I don't do such things.

He's a very naughty boy, Marta.

He could be your father or your grandfather.

Like that. OK? Swing it close to the ground.

That's it. That's it. Like a pendulum. Just like this.

When you're finished being a croquet expert, Nigel,

I have a pound says I'll kick your arse.

Ah, the way you play, you probably will.

You forget. I saw your Barber Of Seville,

and your singing brought tears to my ears.

Saw you in Carmen, I'll never forget it, but I'll try.

- Morning, Nobby. - Ah, morning, Mr Bond.

- Simon, what's up? - All good, mate.

Oh, by the way, Nobby,

if you get a chance, I could use another one of the usual.

- Do you need any money? - No, it's alright.

Look, I've got some change from last time. I'll stick it in the usual place.

Oh, and watch it, Cissy Robson's been looking for you all morning.

Can't think why. I'm the most attractive man in the place.

I read somewhere that the average man thinks of sex every seven seconds.

Do you?

I wish it was only every seven seconds.

Do you know, the first time I set eyes on her,

I thought she was the most beautiful, sexiest creature

I'd ever clapped my eyes on.

Oh.

Oh, Cissy, Cissy, my love,

can you imagine the passionate love we might have made?

But it's not too late.

We can still dive beneath the blankets and cuddle till the end of time.

- What do you say to that, sweetie? - Ready.

Why are you laughing?

You'll never guess what I've been listening to. Our Rigoletto.

We are so lovely...

- Uh, Cissy, the gala committee. - Oh...

This was the last time we sang it. Remember, Reggie?

- Why have they reissued it? - I don't know.

I remember the recording session, the production, everything,

like it was yesterday,

and yet I can't remember what I had for breakfast this morning.

- Apricot jam. - 'Rigoletto - Horton and Paget'.

My name isn't there, of course.

I should've been top of the bill, I had the name part.

Still, I made a living from it, which was all I really wanted.

I'm not like you, you see, Reggie, you're an artist, I'm an artisan.

Where's my bag? I can't find my bag. Where is it?

Oh. Thank you, Reggie.

And you're safe back from Karachi, and I'm so glad.

Oh...

Why Karachi?

Well, her father was Indian army.

- Do you think she's getting worse, Reg? - Yes.

Boom, boom, chh!

Reg, you might as well get used to it, rap's here to stay.

Oh, I don't think it is.

That's what you said about The Beatles.

- Well, it isn't music. - They think it is.

- Who? - The kids you're talking to.

Now this is a bloody disaster! Really!

Come in, Cissy.

- Oh, what? - Cissy.

- You're late. - Sorry. I said I was sorry.

Sit down.