Black Dynamite

1x02 - Bullhorn Nights or Murder She Throats

Ladies and whole sexuals!

Welcome to the dry hump! Coming to the stage, we have a very special guest tonight.

We've seen him in such films as "Big trouble in little vagina", "Oceans 11 inches",

"Enter the fuckin' enter with a dragon"! Give it up for my main man,

Ringo-o-o-o Mandingo-o-o-o!

This is my main man.

Put that ding-a-ling in ya mouth and see how it feel! Mandingo is in the house!

Ding-a-ling, ding-a-ling, ding-a-ling! Throw your money, baby!

Throw your money! Throw your money cash in the house, baby!

Come on, baby! Yeah! Yeah!

Mandingo-o-o-o-o!

Hey, you need to watch the way you swervin'. You're driving Ringo Mandingo, baby.

I'm about to star in the biggest porn film that's ever been seen.

I ain't got no insurance on this here thang between my legs.

You know what I'm sayin'? Wait. Why are we in this alley?

Oh... no...

This week...

I've never seen anything like it. It's unbelievable.

It's a terrible scene. Can't believe it. Ah, look at this.

Damn. I heard you had a murderous

killin' last night, Chief Humphry Magilahorn,

- but this shit here looks intense. - That's right, Black Dynamite,

it does look intense... and it is. My wife of 13 years just walked

out on me, I forgot to put deodorant on,

and I got hemorrhoids in my ass nipples.

Hemorrhoids in your ass nipples

must make for painful farts, but I think what

Black Dynamite's talkin' 'bout is all these chopped-up body parts.

Oh, yeah. That... I guess that's pretty bad, too. This guy's body is all over

the place. There was a leg in the dumpster, a foot over there in

- a pile of shit and a... - Hey! What's this over here?

- Looks like a baby arm. - Cream Corn, that's no baby arm...

more like an elephant trunk. That's Ringo Mandingo.

I'd recognize that tubesteak anywhere. What?!

Oh, no! Cousin Ringo! I'm so sad to see you go.

Bullhorn? You mean to tell me you're related to this Mandingo?

Yes. Ever since we were teeny-weeny,

cousin Ringy's winky was long like a slinky.

Mama, look here! You gonna be amazed!

I finished the school year with no missed days and 10 straight A's.

Uh, nobody cares about your grades. Bullhorn, I'm runnin' out of

money for your cousin Ringo. Go upstairs and get your piggy bank so I can

give him some Mo' dough. This is illegal somewhere.

Yeah, even though my grades were

the best and I could rhyme and sing, Ringo was

the one who was blessed with the supersized ding-a-ling.

Aww. I feel so sorry for you, Bullhorn. I didn't know you were

part of the itty-bitty committee. At least you got a good personality.

Yeah, Ringo had it all, and with that thang, he could never lose.

I would give anything and my mama just to walk in his underoos.

Why would anyone want to kill a man with such a big dick?

Hm. As soon as a black shaft starts to rise, the man has to bring

- him down. Can you dig it? - Nah, Black Dynamite, it ain't

the mans this time. This is the work of a serial killer.

This makes the fourth black porn star this week.

They were all supposed to be in that new interracial skin flick.

Ladies and gentlemen, we've seen horse on horse.

We've seen horse on girl, boy on girl, boy on boy, black boy on boy.

We've seen white girl on horse. And now we are about to break

the last erotic taboo there is left... the first black-on-white porn.

"Willy Wanker and the Chocolate Fuctory" rated triple-X.

The first one to get picked off was Slappy Long Strokem,

then Humpy Dangle... Darth Invader...

Pelvis Pressly... Dickie Jiggler...

- and now... Ringo Mandingo. - Whew! Now, thats a mouthful.

- We need to do something. - Now, you stay out of this one, Black Dynamite.

We don't need your vigilante justice on this case.

Now, see there? I wasn't even gonna take the case.

- But since you said not to take it, I'm-a take it. - Is that right?

Wrong or right, right or wrong...

When a cracker tells Black Dynamite not to do something, he does it, Jack.

Well, in that case, don't go jump off a bridge, Black Dynamite.

Your reverse honky psychology don't

work on me, Copper. Black Dynamite's on the case.

Hey, Chief! We found two bowling balls!

A-a-a-and action!

- Did somebody order a pizza? - Ooh.

I thought you would never come. Now get in here and give me that anchovy.

Cut! Cut! Cut! How many times do I have to

tell you?! It's "sausage"! An anchovy is not a euphemism

for a penis! When have you ever heard a man refer to his wiener as

- a tiny, smelly fish?! - Shut... up!

- Everybody, take five! - I thought "anchovies" was a good choice.

Black Dynamite. You finally changed your mind after all these years.

- You ready to get back in the business? - I thought I told

you honkies from the adult-film industry that Black Dynamite don't hump on

film no more. Now, I don't mean to butt in on your butt flick, but I'm here

To investigate some porn murders. Have you seen anything abnormal

- around here lately? - Hmph. I wish I have. That's the problem.

Everything here is too normal. Porn has gotten so ass-boring nowadays, Black Dynamite.

I came over to this table to get me a little treat, but it turns out you pink toes

are the one I want to eat.

I don't know how many places a man can stick his anchovy before it becomes redundant.

- You mean "sausage"? - Whatever. I need something different,

something unique that hasn't been done before.

You're a bottom bitch, I'll betcha. 'Cause I'm the white stretcher.

My dream was to do this "Willy Wanker" movie, but

Ringo's dead, and those are some pretty big, black shorts to fill.

I'll break your heart. Better watch out, girl.

I'm certified in cunnilingus in all corners of the world!

Wow! Look at all those panties droppin'!

In all my years in this business, I have never seen a penis do that...

not even Ringo's! It's the way rhymes those words.

That's it! I'm gonna make you a star! A big, bright, black, shining star!

- Yes! This is good! I love it! - That's wonderful,

Bullhorn! You're gonna be famous, just like Ringo.

They say it's the motion of the ocean, not the size of the boat.

But I guess neither one matters when you got a sweet throat.

That should be your name... "Sweet Throat"...

kind of rolls off the tongue, like "Cream Corn."

Okay, now. We can't let all these sweet throats and panties distract us

- from our porn mission. - Oops. Sorry.

Now, Bullhorn, I'm-a need you to go undercover... deeper than you

ever been before. I want you to pretend to be one of these fuckers so you can

- bring this sucker down. - Don't worry, Black Dynamite.

I'll go deeper than any deep-sea diver or oil driller. I'll be the best undercover

lover and find cousin Ringo's killer.

Damn. He's good.

Ladies, as you can see, I'm just an ordinary porn star fucker and suckin'

for a check. But would any of you professional hoes happen to know

who rung Ringo Mandingo's neck?

"Pipe reams," take 4.

I'm too cool with a big ol' tool that'll make you

call your mama tonight! And when she answers the phone, tell her Mr. Sweet Throat

himself is layin' the windpipes just right.

Yes! This is good!

Hello? Is it me you're lookin' for?

Bullhorn, what's the skinny? You find this serial-killin' turkey yet?

Sorry, Black Dynamite, but I ain't got no time to waste.

- Right about now, Sweet Throat has to get back on the case. - Well, let me

know if you need some help, because I ain't really doing shit right now.

We're sorry. If you'd like...

Black Dynamite ain't used to waiting for nobody to do nothing.

I got to think of something to take my mind off of all this thinking.

"Facial Delivery," take 2.

Special delivery for Ms. Mary Mack.

I can give it to you here in the front or I can put it in the back.

Yes! I love it!

Suey suey suey suey suey!

- "Spontaneous Cumbustin'," take 5. - Ma'am, I got a

complaint that some pussy was stuck in a tree. If anybody can get that cat,

you can bet your vagingo it's gonna be me.

Oh, my god. This is fuckin' gorgeous!

Rack focus! Rack focus! Yes! I love it!

Black Dynamite. Black Dynamite! Black Dynamite!!!

Honey Bee, what did I tell you about interruptin' my jump-ropin'?

Man, you got this place smellin'

like hot-dog water. You need to get out of this dojo.

- You been here for two weeks. - Hello?

Black Dynamite, I know you told me not to interrupt your jump-roping, but this is getting

- really serious. - Please don't tell me another

- black dick is in the dirt. - No. It's way, way worse than a black

dick this time, Dynamite. It's a white woman!

- And she's white! - Chief Magilahorn,

no disrespect, but crackers come and go. What else you got?