Joey

I can't believe I finally get to move in tomorrow.

This place is perfect for you.

And look at this TV. It's huge.

It's 71 inches. Porn is gonna be...

- Terrifying. - I can't wait.

- The house looks amazing. - You haven't seen anything yet.

Okay, let's say... Let's say I bring a girl home...

...and she's not quite sure she wants to sleep with me.

I know, I know, it sounds crazy.

Well, maybe some romantic lighting...

...and sexy music and a fire...

...will change her mind.

- Are you holding my hand? - No.

Man, this is a powerful room.

And if that doesn't work, well, then I just break out the big guns.

My 2004 Aquafresh Best Smile Award.

I got it during a commercial at the People's Choice Awards.

Pretty good, huh?

It has everything. Including a way to avoid...

...that awkward conversation with a girl the morning after.

Check this out.

Thank you for a wonderful night.

Please proceed to the nearest exit and drive safely.

Have a nice day.

- Hey. - Oh, hey.

Here's the new lease for Michael and his friends to sign.

- Are you ready for your big move? - Pretty much, yeah.

Hey, listen, we really haven't talked about it, but...

...where do things stand with you and Dean?

We're figuring it out. I'm not really comfortable talking about it.

Well, you know where I stand.

Whenever you're ready, I'll be here waiting.

Really?

You're not sleeping with other women?

I'm not really comfortable talking about it.

Hi. We just came by to get some towels and beer.

Are you guys going up to use my pool?

I don't want you doing that. It's getting messed up.

This is actually something I wanna talk about.

This new house is my new house, okay?

You guys can come up there when you are invited.

It's not gonna be like it was here where everyone just comes and goes...

...because you wanna steal booze, or they towed your house...

...or you got scared watching an episode of CSI.

All of his victims looked just like me. It was very scary.

I've been meaning to ask you. Do you wanna go to the observatory?

Why would I wanna do that?

They have this great telescope there.

Maybe I can show you some of my favorite constellations.

I feel like I'm giving you a dirty look, but you're still talking to me that way!

I'll take you to work.

- I don't have work today. - It's a euphemism.

I can't watch you get rejected by him anymore. You gotta tell him he's your dad.

- I'm waiting for the perfect time. - There isn't a perfect time. Do it.

- Yeah, Michael, he's right. - You know what?

You are right. Okay. I'll go down to his work today and just tell him.

Good for you.

So, what time are your movers coming?

I don't need movers. I'll move my own stuff.

Joey, this is a huge job. My roommates are gonna be here in a few hours.

Okay, relax. I've got the boxes right here. I will take care of this, all right?

Oh, my God, it's so boring. I gotta get a mover.

Why are you assuming you can take no responsibility...

...and everything will magically just work itself out?

Hey. I noticed you weren't packed up...

...so I arranged to have someone do it for you. See you!

Well, that was nice, huh?

Okay, I don't get everything I want. Like, right now, I'm wishing that...

And I will bring you pizza.

It's tough to learn when God loves me so much.

Hey, thanks again for finding me movers, Howard.

So who are these people?

Oh, this is my executive management team from the bank.

Your stuff is being moved by four CPAs, six MBAs...

...and a guy with a Ph. D. In economics who's not putting his back into it!

Hey! Hey, Nathanson! Come on!

You move boxes worse than you manage private equity portfolios!

Now, pull your head out of your ass!

- I'm sorry, Mr. Peckerman. - Oh, you disgust me!

I can't wait to go swimming in your new pool!

I'm gonna do a cannonball and make a big splash.

Bye.

Hey, Jimmy. You're back from work early.

Anything happen down there today?

Yeah, it was weird, actually.

I had a pretty big bombshell dropped on me. You're not gonna believe this.

Actually, I know.

Really? Why didn't you tell me?

I thought that was Michael's place to do that. He's your son.

My boss told me I don't have dental. I just did this whitening thing.

I got half white, the other half... Michael's my what?

Oh, my God, he was supposed to tell you.

You're saying that... You're saying that Michael is my son?

That's impossible.

Come on. You gotta admit, it makes sense.

You know, you and Gina slept together 22 years ago.

You and Michael are both really smart and intense.

And Gina says it's you.

We both know Gina wasn't the most conservative lady in high school.

She went through football players like she went through basketball players.

Well, she seems pretty sure.

You're telling me I'm a kid's dad and you're pretty sure?

No. This could change my life and his. I gotta be 100 percent sure.

Okay, well, there are tests you could take.

- What? A paternity test? - Yeah, I took one once.

I guess a paternity test is a good idea.

We just need to get a little bit of DNA from both of you.

Let's get Michael's without him knowing.

If he's my kid, I don't want him to think I'm freaked out.

Well, I guess we could try.

I bet we can get him to drink your milkshake.

Hey, Michael, are you home?

Yeah? Oh, hey, Jimmy.

- Hey, I didn't tell him. - I didn't tell him either.

Hey, Jimmy's got a milkshake that he's not drinking. You want the first sip?

Sure.

- So, what have you guys been...? - Just drink the freaking milkshake!

- That's good. Yeah. - You like that? Okay, thanks.

All right, we got our DNA, huh?

I feel like I did something wrong.

Well, this is the last of your things.

Well, thanks again, Howard. Listen, I never had my stuff...

...moved by bankers before. How much should I tip?

Well, Henderson got a $600,000 bonus last year.

So, what, like 20 bucks?

Well, this is it. I'm ready to move on to the next phase of my life.

This is really exciting.

Feels like just yesterday you moved in here.

I'm gonna really miss having you next door.

I'm gonna miss living with you.

These were the best two years of my life.

And the most recent two years of mine.

Well, a lot of great memories in here, huh?

But it's time to move on to...

To bigger and better things.

Goodbye, apartment.

- We're still here, Joey. - Don't ruin it, Alex.

Well, here we are. My new neighborhood, huh?

Hey, I didn't realize you had a TV in here.

I don't use it while I'm driving. It's dangerous.

Did I tell you my idea for a one-man show?

- Let's see what's on. - This is Jen Rogers reporting live...

... from the scene of a fire in the Hollywood Hills.

Man, look at that thing burn. Let's check this out.

Look at all those fire trucks. That's gotta be some fire.

Loud, huh? I paid extra for that surround sound.

It's so clear. It's like you're there.

- It's amazing. - Yeah.

Hey, check it out. That's a yellow truck just like mine.

That salesman told me I had the only one in L.A.

Check it out. The dumb jackass parked it right in the middle of the fire trucks.

The fireman's walking up to the window.

What?

Oh, my God. That's my truck.

That's my house. My house is on fire!

I live in that house. You gotta do something.

We're doing our best. We think we're gonna be able to contain it to the kitchen.

That's where the food lives.

What are you doing back here?

My house caught fire.

- What? Was anybody hurt? - No, but the big TV is gone.

This is all that's left. I'm was gonna burn it and scatter its ashes over a Best Buy.

He would've wanted it that way.

Oh, my God. I mean, how did it happen?

The fire department's gonna do an investigation.

I should know more tomorrow.

Well, come on in.

Thanks, Michael. It's nice knowing I got my old place to come back to.

- What the hell...? - Red alert. Intruder on the Bridge.

It's okay, Arthur. He's with me.

These are my roommates. This is Arthur, Rajeev, and you already know Seth.

This is why you were excited to live here? So you could play Star Wars all day?

Yeah, not Star Trek , Star Wars .

Right. We all know the USS Enterprise is prominently featured in Star Wars .

Right, this is Chewbacca, and this is C-3PO.

Aren't you like 40?