The Addams Family

Neat.

Sweet.

Petite.

Wonderful, darling. Such precision.

It's not easy.

Terrific.

I wish that doctor could see him now.

Doctor?

You know, the one that said our family was unbalanced.

Gomez has got plenty of balance.

Just takes practice.

As soon as I get a little more practice, then I'll unhook it.

Well, Lurch, you may take it down now.

I hope you have it perfected by Wednesday's birthday.

We have plenty of surprises for Wednesday.

For one thing, we're going to put on a play.

A new drama by that great new dramatist,

Tennessee Addams.

And we're all going to be in it.

Oh.

Come with me to the casbah.

Heathcliff, where are you?

Lady Chatterley, I love you.

By George, this house is a veritable cesspool of talent.

Wednesday will be so thrilled.

Gomez, what's the play about?

Well, it's a most unusual plot.

There's this young couple, Claude and Mabel.

And they're in love.

But their families are feuding

and they refuse to let the young lovers get married.

How delightfully tragic.

Thank you, my dear.

Well, there's no use telling you the rest.

We'll have a play read.

Places, please. Lurch, a little mood music.

"And then he takes poison,"

"and then she takes poison."

"And they both die happily ever after."

Oh, what a lovely finish, Gomez.

Real togetherness.

Quite a twist, eh?

Well, now for the casting.

Morticia, of course, will play the girl.

Mama will play her mother. Fester...

Of course we want you in it, Cousin Itt.

What would the play be without you?

I just want to find the right part for you.

Hey, Gomez, if you put this to music, he could play a Beatle.

In fact, all four of them.

You need any singers?

No.

No, there's no part for a sheepdog, either.

Don't say that, Cousin Itt.

You are not useless and good for nothing.

You most certainly are good for something.

We just don't know what it is.

Gomez, darling,

Cousin Itt's inferiority complex

is getting worse all the time.

I have it.

Cousin Itt, you are going to be the star

of our new play. The hero, Claude.

I think I'm allergic to you. Here.

You do? Isn't that amazing?

He knows the part after only hearing it read once.

Now, let's see. We'll start with the love scene at the top of Act Two.

Claude, the hero, is looking up

at Mabel's balcony, and says...

Marvelous. What feeling, what emotion.

Such passion, such depth of feeling.

Querida, play the scene with him.

At the top of the balcony, go on.

There, Act Two.

Oh, thank you.

"We must flee, my love."

"If my father catches you here,"

"he will shoot you, kill you, and break your glasses."

Wait a minute. You changed one of my lines.

That's different.

Are you sure this part doesn't call for a taller man?

Someone like me.

No, Cousin Itt is perfection.

But Uncle Fester, you could be the understudy.

You mean, if something happens to him,

like if he gets clobbered,

I could play Claude?

Of course.

Uh-huh.

Itt.

Let's go down to the playroom.

We can rehearse together.

Lurch, you can be the second understudy.

That means if Cousin Itt can't make it,

and something happens to Uncle Fester, you play Claude.

Darling, I'm so happy.

I think Cousin Itt has finally found himself.

That isn't easy under all that hair.

To make sure the play is a success,

I'm going to hire a big director.

Where will you find a big director?

In the directory, where else?

And I, Eric Von Bissell, will make the decisions.

Remember that, Bennie.

I am the director. You are only my agent.

Okay, okay. Only just don't blow the job.

How come this guy Addams to call you, anyhow?

Probably remembered some of my more distinguished pictures.

Pretty good memory.

When was your last one? 1932?

Never mind that.

Addams says he has a great play and a great cast.

This could be the start of an entirely new career.

Fine start.

I do not direct home-talent plays.

Oh, what he means is that his fee is too high, Mr. Addams.

50 G's.

I'll do better than that. I'll give him 50 thousand.

Dollars? Dollars?

I think there's $60,000 there.

You can keep the change.

Well, money isn't everything.

My talent, my reputation.

Excuse us just a moment, please.

Come with me.

What do you think, my dear?

Don't worry, darling.

When they read your play, they'll be dying to do it.

Was Cousin Itt yelling for help?

That's the scene from the third act,

when Mabel's father is after him with a sword.

My, he certainly makes it sound convincing.

Well, he really puts feeling into it.

Excuse me, my dear.

Mr. Addams, my client has decided to do your play, after thinking it all over.

I knew you'd come around, old man.

Of course, this living room is hardly a Broadway theatre.

By George, you're right, this play should be on Broadway.

What?

Wednesday's party will serve as an out-of-town tryout.

That does it. Get another director.

Think of the challenge. No.

Think of the prestige. (YELLING) No.

Think of the money.

I do it.

You rang?

Call Cousin Itt, will you, Lurch?

Gone.

Nonsense. Have Fester help you find him.

Gone, too.

Gone?

But who'll play Claude?

Me.

Something is rotten in Denmark.

Not in Denmark. In the playroom.

Gomez, the old chest. Quick, open it up.

Great Scott!

I know you're shy, Cousin Itt, but this is ridiculous.

Uncle Fester? How shocking.

Help! Get me out of here! Help.

Gomez, darling.

Get me out of here.

Uncle Fester, how could you do that to Cousin Itt?

Him? What about me?

Somebody grabbed me from behind

and threw me in there and locked me up

before I knew what was happening!

I think I'm beginning to understand.

Come out, Lurch.

There will be no more of this.

If anything happens to Cousin Itt the play is off.

Come. Come along, Itt.

Well?

Oh, stop worrying about your reputation.

Nobody's going to see this crummy play anyhow.

That's right. Put it on and run like a thief.

Gentlemen, the moment you've all been waiting for.

We give you our star, Cousin Itt.

What is that?

That's Cousin Itt, our leading man.

Really a new face, eh?