Cooper Barrett's Guide to Surviving Life

Finding a job where you get

to work side by side with your friends can be the best.

It can also be the worst.

I came in with two friends!

- (grunting) - (grunting)

Thank you!

My name is Cooper Barrett.

My friends and I are here to mess up our lives

so you don't have to.

_

- Yeah! - Yeah!

- To our success. - Mm.

Ah.

- Hey. - Hey, how'd you know I was here?

What are you talking about? You're always here.

What's the occasion?

Oh, uh, their hangover cure

was just named "Best New Specialty Beverage"

Because of us,

everyone from your casual Chardonnay sipper

to your hardened alcoholic

is waking up to a better American morning.

This is how Dr. Penicillin must have felt

when he created the what-cha-ma-call-it.

There are so many things wrong with that statement.

- Who are you looking for? - I was hoping

my girl Kelly would be here so we could hang out,

'cause, you know, we have a thing.

Oh, like a Patty from college thing?

No, there can never be another Patty.

That thing was like a powder keg.

Kelly and I are just, you know,

we're besties.

- Hi. - Who's that?

I would like to introduce you all

to my new girlfriend, Ramona.

: Howdy, y'all. Nice to meet you.

Let me guess. Texas?

No, but Kelly bet me ten bucks

I couldn't do the accent.

- (laughter) - She can.

: I'm actually from London.

- Oh, really? - Nope. Orange County.

- (laughing) - You owe me another ten.

Oh, God, you're so good at accents!

- (laughter) - What the hell is going on?

Nice to meet you. I'm, uh, Cooper Barrett.

Ramona.

Cooper? - Yeah.

- Can I talk with you for a sec? - Sure. Sorry.

- Knock it off. - What did I do?

You just used your "I want to sleep with you" voice.

"Hi. I'm Cooper Barrett."

I sound like Optimus Prime?

You are not to sleep with her.

What? 'Cause of... 'cause of this.

This? There's no this.

- So I can sleep with her. - No! Listen.

Solid girlfriends do not come easy to me,

and I don't want you and your penis messing it up.

Okay, first of all, she hasn't even expressed any interest.

And second, if she did, and I went through with it, I hope

you know I respect you enough to never tell you about it.

Fine, I won't sleep with her.

Thank you.

Hi. I'm Cooper Barrett.

Hi. I'm Cooper Barrett.

Hi. I'm Cooper Barrett.

- Hi. - There it is.

Pretty great, right?

Can't buy publicity like that. Free sample.

Oh, thanks. This makes it seem

like you run the company by yourself.

Yeah, you don't even mention us

one time in this whole thing. It's called

"Barry's Grandma's Hangover Cure," not Cooper's.

Your grandma hasn't been hungover a day in her life!

Come on, guys, let's focus on the big picture, all right?

That company, HangEnder, won this award three years in a row,

and we just beat them. It's not about individual credit.

Plus, I would have sung your praises

- if I was given the opportunity. - "When asked how he was able

"to accomplish so much, he credited the inspiration

of Steve Jobs and a good night's sleep."

Yeah, you're right. That was my window, I blew it.

- I'm sorry. I... - "And later, he wished to thank

"his two best friends: hard work

- and determination." - Oh, guys, I messed up.

But it was a phone interview. I mean, you guys know

I value you and your ideas.

Well, I'm happy to hear you say that, because I actually

have a couple ideas about promotion and social...

Yeah, hold that thought. Get your free sample.

Barry's Grandma's Hangover Cure?

- Yeah. - I've heard that stuff's

made in an apartment,

and you can taste pig feces.

What? Where'd you hear that?

"Barry's Grandma's Hangover Cure

is made in an apartment with pig feces."

That's simply untrue.

I mean, he hasn't had an accident in weeks.

I mean, if they would have said pig urine...

There's comments from this CooperSucks person

all over the net.

Obviously, the person

who's posting this has inside information,

so they can do serious damage to our business,

if they haven't already.

Okay, so how do we find out who this CooperSucks69 is?

I'm one step ahead of you, sir.

I've traced the IP address, and it looks like it's someone...

in our apartment building.

- What do you want? - Hey, Virgil. Uh...

someone's been trolling Barry's Grandma's Hangover Cure online.

Uh, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that, would you?

What is... trolling?

Uh, it means people are making fun of us on the Internet.

Ooh. Which site do I do that?

We're not telling you to do that.

Oh, I'll find out.

I have so many "Barry's Grandma's so fat" jokes.

- (laughing) - What?!

Do you really think Mrs. Billingsly is our troll?

She's, like, 90 years old.

Well, we have to cross everyone in the building off our list.

You know what? I haven't seen her in a few weeks.

Come to think of it, neither have I.

- Well, at least she led a good life. - (garbled radio transmission)

Actually, I think she collaborated

in the Armenian genocide.

But still, neat lady.

I don't get it. We've checked every apartment.

Well, not every apartment.

I can't believe it.

I never would've suspected it.

What are you guys doing in my apartment?

Welcome home... Kelly.

Or should we say, CooperSucks69?

Wait. Were the first 68 CooperSucks already taken?

This is impossible.

Had anyone else in your apartment recently?

- Any male visitors, perhaps? Or poltergeists?

I seen this episode of Ghost Hunters where

this one ghost went into this one dude's account

and messed up his credit. Spooky.

No guys or ghosts have been in my apartment.

I'm the only one who uses this computer.

Oh, and Ramona.

Wait, wait, wait, hold up. Say Ramona's last name is Miller.

- Right? - You're already forgetting her name.

You slept with her, didn't you?!

- You said she was a trainer? - Yeah. So?

Because Ramona Miller is not a personal trainer.

She is the President and CEO of HangEnder, our main competitor.

What?

She clearly saw us as a threat,

posed to be your friend, just to get info about us to try

to take us down!

To think, I almost slept with her.

Come to think of it, she was asking

a lot of questions about your company.

Why the hell you tell her about our pig feces?

Why are you living in an apartment with pig feces?

It's stinking up the entire building.

I think that smell was Mrs. Billingsly.

What happened to Mrs. Billingsly?

Honey,

- I'm so sorry. - Oh, my God!

I lose two of my best girlfriends in one day?

I'm gonna punch Ramona in her lying, flawless face!

Best plan is to get even.

I have an idea how to do that.

So do I, so what we do is...

We all listen to Neal because I value his ideas.

- Really? - Mm-hmm.

Thanks, Coop. Okay, Kelly, first,

you're gonna take Ramona out to brunch.

But don't let on that you know

who she really is.

Sorry. You're doing great.

Just pretend like it's a normal brunch.

And then I punch her in the face.

No. You make witty conversation.

So, tell me about all that personal training

- that you definitely do for a living. - Oh, you know,

- lots of burpees, that sort of thing. - Oh. (laughs)

Will you excuse me? I have to go to the bathroom really quick.

And then when she's not paying attention,

you take her computer and pass it off to Barry in disguise.

- Fake mustache and tuxedo? - No!

Cooper, be supportive. Yes, Barry,

like that, but, you know, something better.

Got it.

Barry, you'll go to the kitchen

where you'll find me and Cooper waiting.

- What is he doing here? - I'm meeting Leslie next door for lunch.

I heard you guys were hiding in the kitchen.

- By the way, it's me, Barry. - I know.

- You look like Neil deGrasse Tyson. - Interesting.