Haunt Season

You want us to wait?

I'll catch up.

Jace?

Fuck.

Nope!

No fucking way, guys!

I'm not doing this!

Stop.

Okay! Okay!

Jace?

Bradford?

Holy fucking shit.

How long can you scream like that?

No. Hold up. Stop.

Like, how long can you do that in a night

without needing, like, a break or something?

Uh, probably a few hours.

'Kay.

And underwear? You fine working in just underwear?

Yeah.

This isn't sexual harassment.

- She knows that. - Yeah, that's not a problem.

'Kay. Blood?

You fine with blood? -Yeah. Great.

Like a shitload of blood, though,

like, gallons of it.

The more the merrier.

All right.

Let's show her how to die.

So you're actually going to be filling in

for someone who flaked on us.

You fine to start us today?

-I don't think I'm wearing the right underwear for that.

-I wouldn't worry too much about that.

We've got plenty for you to pick from.

-I've been filling in for her since she ditched us,

but I'm primarily the makeup artist, so, eh.

-This is all part time and seasonal

so sometimes people just disappear.

And Bradford doesn't look super convincing in a bra,

so there's that.

-When'd you see me in a bra? I look amazing in a bra.

It's kind of a weird time for you to jump in.

There's only a couple of days left in the season,

but if you can fill in for just those couple of days,

that'd be awesome.

Yeah. That sounds good.

You went to theater school?

-DePaul, yeah. -Okay, great.

It's basically the same thing as putting up a show,

instead of eight performances a week

you're doing 40 performances in a night,

one every couple of minutes.

But the lines are a lot easier to remember

because it's just a bunch of fucking screaming.

-Yeah. Backstage should feel pretty familiar, too.

We're just a bunch of theater kids who never grew up

and got real jobs.

Everybody's flirtatious,

but it's a summer camp, kind of flirtatious,

so it should be completely harmless

if, for whatever reason, it doesn't feel harmless

you come to one of us immediately.

Yeah.

Long story short, no touching.

They don't touch you. We don't touch them.

They do touch you. Yell "Pervo!"

We're coming running. -Pervo?

-Yeah. It was carefully chosen.

Took us a long time to get there.

Speaking of which, we got to go.

I'm going to be in there with you

the whole time.

Nobody will get anywhere near you.

He's not that big,

but he does have a table full of weapons.

- I'm big enough. - Plus, weapons.

And I'm a fucking ghoul.

- Blood! - Guts!

All right, everybody, this is Matilda.

She's going to be our new scalpee for the night.

It's her first time at a haunted house,

so let's be nice to her.

But she's got a hell of a scream,

so just show her what to do, all right?

-Taylor's only been gone a couple days.

Okay.

And if she shows up, we'll find her something to do.

She loves being scalped.

Okay, but Rosemary doesn't.

And I need someone who can scream,

and I found someone who can scream. So let's be nice,

okay?

Anyway, guys, we got a to haunt open.

Why're we just sitting around?

Hey, it's not her fault.

Taylor took off.

Bachelor of Fine Arts.

Okay.

Like a glove.

Yeah.

So do you have any double- sided tape for this glove?

I'm worried I'm going to start thrashing around and it's all

gonna pop out. -I got you covered.

Figuratively.

Here's your chair.

Oh.

And here is your hair.

Oh.

-And I think it's probably going to match...

Yes!

There we go.

Awesome. Okay.

So...

Basically, when he scalps you, he's going to

lift this part up.

Oh, yuck.

I will goop it up more.

Oh, nice, okay.

Boop, boop, boop.

Okay, you're done. -Awesome.

-You can sit out in the hall, we will come and get you

when we're ready to place you.

Awesome. Thank you.

How we doing over here?

-Has anyone seen my heart?

-You're missing out. -What about, like, beans?

-It seems as though someone has stolen my heart.

and hopefully they're single and emotionally available.

Thanks, Pumpkin.

We can make it work.

Ping! Ping!

One! Two! Three!

Let's go!

-Little chilly tonight, huh, bud?

Lemme help you out?

There you go.

Great door scare.

You clearly work here.

What the fuck?

-It is time to open this haunted house!

This is what we live for!

Tonight, we give the people what they want.

And what they want...

is blood and...

Guts!

-Blood! -Guts!

-Blood! -Guts!

-Blood! -Guts!

-Blood! -Guts!

Let's open this haunt!

Let's go! Let's go!

Could this one be a little tighter?

Yeah.

Just let me know if you need a break or anything.

Yeah. For sure.

You know what to do?

-I start screaming when you start cutting.

Hey, have a good first night.

It's not my first night.

Thanks.

It's really weird you don't recognize me.

-Don't get too comfortable, Rook'.

Not a rookie.

I was in the room when we hired you.

-I think she was talking to me.

Oh, she was being a bitch?

Yeah.

Aww. Thank you.

Oh! Okay.

-I thought they weren't allowed to touch us.

They can't touch us, right?

-Welcome to Realm of Terror.

Oh.

Does my scarecrow not scare you?

Come on, Scarecrow.

Scare these people.

Rawr.

Oh.

Still not scared.

We can do better than that.

Let's help him out.

Oh, yeah.

-It appears it's time for you to hurry in

before my associates

start looking for another scarecrow.

I hear a post

has recently opened up.

Of course,

I wouldn't want to tie you to...

...anything.

How many?

Two, please.

You just graduated?

Yeah.

-You part of any theater groups?

-I was at a troupe in school, but after graduation

we all kinda scattered.

Chicago's a theater town.

That's what I said,