That Awkward Moment

It's 2:18 in the morning in the middle of February.

I've been sitting on a park bench for almost four hours.

I'm fucking freezing.

Why am I sitting here?

Why am I still sitting on this bench?

You know, it's probably best if I rewind.

If I back up and explain.

Every relationship arrives at a critical moment,

a juncture,

between moving forward and moving on.

I call that moment the "so."

So...

Where is this going, then?

I think you're a... Like... I think you're amazing.

I think you're an amazing girl. I...

I think you're an amazing person. No.

I'm breaking up with you.

Ihaveto. You're breaking up?

I'm sorry, Jason, I need somebody who's ready.

I need somebody who doesn't drink coffee out of a cereal bowl.

What?

And has a bed frame.

I wasn't confused because she was

breaking up with me.

I'm so late for work.

I was confused because I had no idea we were dating.

I'm not even close to the guy you need.

The guy you deserve.

Like... I'm...

And I'm so sorry that I can't be that guy.

In her defense, we'd been having sex, like,

once a week for six weeks.

I'm so late for work.

But in my defense, that's a hookup

approaching the seeing stage.

I'm sorry, Jason.

No. I understand.

I understand.

And what I understood was, at that moment,

we were definitely not dating.

Dude, did you get my message?

Man, I left, like, 10 minutes ago...

Come on, man. You're late. Look, what have you been doing?

What have I been doing?

Christy just broke up with me.

Oh, man. Who's Christy?

Vera, you home?

Oh. I didn't know we had company.

You're home early.

Yeah, I skipped the gym.

Oh, uh, this is my lawyer.

Oh, your lawyer.

Actually, he's a very good lawyer.

Is everything okay?

So your wife said that she was having intense sex?

Yes, intense.

I can't believe she said, "intense."

That's what she said. With a guy named Harold.

And while she said this, her lawyer was just sitting there?

He looked like Morris Chestnut.

Who the fuck is Morris Chestnut?

From Boyz n the Hood.

Ricky? Yeah.

Dude, I love Ricky.

Not anymore.

Who the fuck looks like Morris Chestnut?

Yeah. That's not a strong look. Her lawyer.

Her lawyer looks like Morris Chestnut.

Okay, and he was just sitting there on the couch?

Yeah, why was he just sitting there on the couch?

'Cause she wants a divorce.

That's... Fuck, man.

Are you kidding me? I'm sorry.

And here's the kicker, her lawyer,

the guy sitting there,

the guy that looks like Morris Chestnut,

is the guy she's having sex with.

Harold? Harold!

Fuck Harold. Oh!

Oh, man.

Did... Did he say anything?

He said he liked my shoes.

What? He said what?

He said he liked my shoes.

Well...

He's not wrong. They're cool shoes.

What the fuck, man? I don't deserve this.

I don't know what we're going to do, man.

We need to get him a hooker.

We can't afford a hooker.

Yeah, we can use a coupon. Get him a cheap hooker. It's Mikey.

No, we're not. Look. "East Village girls for hire."

No. Right there.

No. Yeah.

According to this article,

most of the bars on the East Side are filled with hookers.

You know what I love about you

is that you literally believe every single thing that you read.

No, I don't. Yes, you do.

No, I don't. Yes, you do.

It's like you're nine years old.

Ooh, no, no, no. They're like young, cool hookers.

They dress like hipsters and shit.

And I'm telling you that I highly doubt

that that is the case.

Then why would it be in a magazine?

I don't know.

Read it.

"She dresses like any other pretty young thing,

"knee-high boots strewn about the floor,

"and a drawer filled to the hilt with condoms

"seemed the only indication of her sideline occupation."

How awesome is that?

Hey guys. It's Fred.

Hey, Fred.

You know it's not a phone. Right?

You're actually here, Fred.

We can see you.

Totally.

Oh!

So you're due to present on the Silverman book.

So...

You guys are prepared? Right?

We'll be in there.

That's a blank board.

That's a gold mine.

I mean, we gave you stacks of examples.

You mean these. Right?

What you're seeing there is exactly

what you're gonna see everywhere else.

And we can deliver that.

But when we're talking about The Unexpectable Princess...

Which is a great title.

It's a wonderful, wonderful title.

But still, it's drowning

in a sea of boring pastel. Uh-huh.

That's not what you want.

And that's not what you need.

I think I know what you need.

I think he does.

A book's cover should hint at the story.

But not give away too much.

This is about wish fulfillment.

Black and white. Cool and spare.

Now, a recent study using MRls

showed that women's brains lit up like fireworks

when they were showed pictures of...

A penis.

What?

No. No.

No.

No. No.

No.

Women's brains lit up like fireworks

when they were showed pictures of

shoes. Shoes.

Shoes.

And nothing says wish fulfillment like Christian Louboutin.

Ask any girl in the room.

I love it.

Dude, are you taking a shit in there?

Absolutely not.

Every time you come over, you take a shit in there.

I'm not taking a shit. I'm using self-tanner.

Self-tanner?

Yeah. I told that assistant at Vogue

I couldn't hang out 'cause I was in Toulon.

Trying to phase her out of my roster.

Also, lam taking a shit.

Every time.

Every time.

You did the retrieve? Huh?

I just grabbed whatever I could.

Yo, Mikey! Were you taking a shit in there?

Yep. Jesus! Every time.

We're going the fuck out. Is that ice cream?

You bought ice cream, Mikey? Come on.

Yeah. It's peanut butter chocolate.

That's a great flavor. Let me see it.

Hey. We're going out. No ice cream. No. No.

You see, whiskey doesn't mix well with ice cream.

Ineedit Oh, you need it?

Yes. You need it? What're you, a fat teenage girl?

What're you, Bridget Jones? Really?

Name calling? Is that what we're doing? Yeah.

Give me the ice cream. No.

Give me the ice cream. I know that look. Get away from me.

Give me the ice cream. Back up, little man.

Give me the ice cream. Get off, man.

Nobody gets ice cream!

That was awesome.

Did you throw it out the window?

We're going out.

I mean, I bet you thought you were never going feel this again, man.

The excitement. The energy. You don't get this in relationships.

I've been out of the game so long

I forgot how much I miss this.

You were never in the game. You were a married doctor.

Ah, whatever. Hey, do you guys want a mint?

Yeah.