M*A*S*H

So the priest says, "Oh, my gosh.

I thought it was an altar boy."

Uh...

did I mention that he had a pet collie?

No, you didn't. Oh, dear.

It's much funnier if you know that.

Maybe.

Good morning. I bring you samples

of what the welldressed stamp is wearing this year.

Mulcahy. From Marvin's House of Mirth.

Aha. This must be my Joe Miller jokebook.

Too late. You watch it, Colonel.

This book is loaded with snappy comebacks.

Colonel, here's one for you.

What about that other one?

What other one?

Saw one in there

with Mildred's handwriting on it.

She always uses that old fountain pen

that makes everything look like it was written by a monk.

There it is! This is for Captain Pierce.

Pierce? It's got a Hannibal postmark.

It's even the stationery Mildred bought

at the Sisters of Mercy tag sale last summer.

Let me see that.

Sorry, sir. Not unless you've got some I. D.

that says you're Captain Pierce.

Uh, Colonel.

A couple guys here want to meet you.

Colonel, Lieutenant Pavelich of rear echelon security.

This is Sergeant Lally.

What brings you boys to our duchy?

Well, sir, we've had reports of infiltrators in this sector,

so we'll be patrolling the Kwantu Pass

for several days.

You can never have too many cops on the beat.

Why don't you stop by my office?

We'll go over your map.

There are a couple of roads up there

that could send a young jeep to a retirement home.

Well, I'd appreciate it, sir.

You look pretty young yourself.

How long have you had that bar?

Two months, sir. Holy Joe,

what are you doin' this close to the front?

Don't they usually start you boys off

in the kid gloves battalion?

Well, they offered me a desk job in Paris, sir

but I asked to go someplace

where I could get my hands dirty.

Good for you.

Oh, uh, Sergeant,

what do you think the men would say

to a nice hot meal? Great idea, sir.

Might be the last one we get for a while.

Follow me, Lieutenant.

That guy turned down a job in Paris?

I'd give my Left Bank to go there.

He's no spoiled kid. Mmm.

Most of these hotshots come up barkin' orders.

Not this kid. He takes good care of us.

We take good care of him.

Come on already! It's not every day

you get a letter from the boss' wife.

What does she say? I'm reading as fast as I can.

The last time I saw handwriting like this was on my diploma.

It would go faster if you move your lips.

Oh, how about that? She scrimped and saved

and paid off the mortgage on their home

six months early.

"I've been setting aside my egg money each month.

"One day I checked the bankbook,

"and lo and behold,

I had enough to buy the whole henhouse."

Ha ha! That's definitely Mrs. Potter.

"I'm enclosing the mortgage

"and would like you

"and everyone who's close to Sherman

to give him a surprise mortgageburning party."

Aw. Huh?

"I'm sorry I can't be there to celebrate with you,

"but tell Sherman

"that while you're burning the mortgage,

I'll burn the free calendar the bank sent us."

Ha ha ha ha! So when's the fire?

Well, listen, you know, it's gonna take a while.

We gotta find a caterer and make the place cards.

Pierce.

Did you get a letter from my missus?

Well, uh, I don't know.

I got a letter from a Mildred Potter.

There's only one in Hannibal

who writes like a monk.

Now look, if something's wrong,

I want to know about it.

Oh, no, no. There's nothing wrong at all.

As a matter of fact, you're gonna like it.

Really? Now there's two total strangers

sharing secrets with my wife.

And I'm supposed to be tickled pink?

All right. I'll tell you what she said.

She said, "Don't tell Sherman."

And she outranks us by marriage.

Okay, okay. I can see

I'm not gonna get anywhere here

without truth serum.

If you fellas don't want to tell me,

there's nothing I can do.

So I'll be shoving off.

We better have this party today before it kills him.

Oh, here.

There you go, Father. Oh. Thank you.

Here's two more. Mmhmm.

Okay. How much did we take in, Father?

Twentyseven dollars. Oh.

Oh! That's the most I've ever raised in one collection.

Okay. You buy the present, I'll buy the booze.

I think a party with a theme would be really cute.

Must we? Can't we just hand the poor man the mortgage,

let him ignite it, and go on about our business?

There's an exciting theme: Apathy.

What time shouldn't we be here?

Aw, come on, Major.

Didn't your folks do something special

when they got their first house?

Yes. Yes, they did. They fired the entire staff.

How about this? The Potters bought their house in the '30s.

Suppose we all dress up like Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers?

Oh, why not dress up like stockbrokers

and all jump out of the window?

I've got it!

Let's give the party in the colonel's tent,

and the theme will be "Home away from home."

That's not bad. For decoration,

we could make a little white picket fence.

Of course it won't be complete

without a pink flamingo on the lawn.

Congratulations.

B.J. and Charles are the fixup committee.

Oh, can't we just hire a decorator?

We're gonna have to keep Colonel Potter

out of his tent until they're through.

I'll handle that. No offense, Major.

That's gonna require sneakiness and dishonesty,

so I'll be your technical adviser.

Fine. You two are the distractions committee.

Wait a minute. If we're gonna be

decorating the colonel's tent

and they're keeping him away from it,

we're gonna need a gobetween.

I'm good at that.

It's sort of what I do for a living.

Okay. We've all got our assignments.

We'll reconvene at 1800 hours.

Remember ahem The fate of the free world

rests in your hands. Oh, who cares?

We will now leave one by one

according to order of departure.

He doesn't take anything seriously.

Father, would you mind hanging on to the mortgage?

I think it might be safer in here. Why?

Hey! A surprise inspection?

Oh, uh, hello, fellas.

Uh, Pierce...

I was just looking for those toenail clippers

I lent you last month. Starting to slice my sheets.

You wouldn't lend me the clippers.

Oh, I guess that's why you didn't return them.

Colonel, it's not in there.

What isn't? Then where is it?

Where's what?

Don't toy with me!

Hunnicutt, how would you feel

if Pierce here got a letter from Peg?

Ha! Don't be silly.

Why would Peg write Hawkeye? Yeah.

By the way, she says hello. Aha.

You guys are gonna drive me buggy. All right.

Look, just for the sake of your sanity,

I'll tell you this much.

Mildred wants to surprise you.

Surprise me? Yeah.

It ain't my birthday. That was last month.

It ain't our anniversary. That's Groundhog Day.

I picked it so I'd never forget.

Relax. You're gonna love it.

That's the same thing she said

when she put the leopard skin seat covers on the Hudson.

Never felt safe getting in that car

without a whip and a chair.

Yeah, well, maybe she missed out on that one,

but this is bigger and better.

Bigger? Better?

Answer me this.

Does it have anything to do

with where I'm gonna be living out my retirement years?

Yes. No.

You boys wanna confer for a bit?

Work out one lie between you?

No, actually, we can stand by either lie.