Things to Do in Denver When You're Dead

Cinderella, dressed in yell a,

went upstairs to kiss her fella,

made a mistake and kissed a snake.

How many doctors did it take?

- One, two, three, four, - Come on, pass the ball.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Angie, go to your spot.

Higher!

Let's get the rhythm of the stomp, stomp, stomp.

Cinderella, dressed in yell a,

went upstairs to kiss her fella,

made a mistake and kissed a snake.

How many doctors did it take?

One, two, three, four,

five... six...

seven... eight...

nine... ten...

11... 12...

13... 14... 15...

16... 17.

- Okay, come on. Cinderella, dressed in yell a,

went upstairs to kiss her-

Hi.

What do you want, doofus?

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey! What're you doin'?

Loser! Loser! Loser! Loser! Lo-

you wanted a piece of quim, you knew where to go.

You left your wife at home. You-You hit the spots.

You'd run with a big noise guy- you know, a cake eater.

Before you could say beef bayonet, you got a bang tail on your arm...

sweet as Dutch cheese.

Now you got your fuckin' AIDS.

You got your raised feminist consciousness,

whatever the fuck that means.

Then you got your movements-a movement for this, a movement for that.

You got too many movements, ya ask me.

The only good movement's a fuckin' bowel movement.

Hey!

Look who's here! Jimmy the Saint!

- Hit and run, Malt. - All right.

- What's the word, Jimmy? - What's goin' on, Joe?

You heard about this thing, that fuckin' Bernard?

- No, what happened? - I knew the kid was lunchy, but not this fuckin' lunchy.

They picked him up at a schoolyard fishin' for saplings.

- No shit. - They oughta neuter that fuckin' kid.

It's a brain thing, Joe, with Bernard, not a balls thing.

Aw, give it a name. Come on. Anything you can say is a problem with a man.

It's a balls thing.

- Hey. - Boat drinks.

Boat drinks.

Jimmy the Saint from Flatbush.

Went to seminary school but lost the calling.

But in his day, the bitch's bastard.

Because after you've gone,

your money goes to somebody else,

another man comes along and marries your wife.

Your kids fall in love with strangers.

But if you've been good, if you've been decent,

how you are remembered cannot be sullied,

cannot be changed.

Very-Very nice, Mr. Jergen.

Um, Barry, could you-

- Um, some water. - Sure.

- We're doin' great. - There you go.

Why don't we take a little break, and we'll continue later?

All right.

- Two-six-eight- - Easy. Easy, now.

Good afternoon.

Julie, call and check on that-

Here we have Mr. Jergen. He's doing his taping.

Now, my associate Randall Cuffland, who just went by,

he follows a very carefully composed list of questions which he poses to Mr. Jergen...

and which Mr. Jergen's loved ones will be able to access once he's gone.

You understand?

I'd like to introduce you to somebody.

Here, this way.

This is Stevie.

Stevie's father passed away, pancreatic cancer,

at a time in late adolescence when Stevie needed him the most.

So now Stevie needs advice from his father, he comes back to see us.

- Understand? Let me show you. - Right.

Hey, what's goin' on, Stevie?

Hey, Jimmy. How are ya?

Uh, girls. I don't know.

This is, uh-

Hey, if you chase a dog, it runs.

Treat 'em like shit. That's what I did to your mother, and she fell for me.

Two months later, we were married.

You treat 'em like dirt and they come running.

- Thank you. - Thanks.

Uh, your father suffers from- What was it?

- Uh, diabetes. - Ah, yes, diabetes.

- But his condition has taken a severe turn for the worst. - Time is of the essence.

- Yes. Thanks. - Thank you.

- Does he have any grandchildren yet? - Uh, eight, all together.

Ah, I see. I'm sure they'll benefit from a patriarch's advice-

maybe not now, maybe not tomorrow, but someday soon.

- Good afternoon, Mr. Jergen. - Yeah. Hi.

- Happy man. - Thank you.

Take our brochure.

One for you. One for you. And please, uh, give one to a friend.

- Thank you. - On your way out, there's a ledger there.

- Please sign it. It's our mailing list. - Thank you.

Thank you very much.

- Any luck? - Nope.

He seemed into it, but she looked like she was gonna launch lunch over Mr. Jergen.

- We'll get the next one, Jimmy. - Right.

Uh-

- Happy hour at 6:00. I'll see you there. - Okay.

Just picked it up for the newspaper ad.

"Just because they're gone doesn't mean they can't guide"?

- Who came up with that? - I did.

- It's terrible. - Why?

- It's clunky. - Clunky?

- It's fucking clunky, Cuff. - What's clunky?

- What do you know about clunky? - I know about clunky, and that's fuckin' clunky.

I thought you people were supposed to be good at this kind of shit.

- "You people"? - Yes, you people. Homosexuals. You're not a homosexual now?

- "You people"? - You people.

Every fag in the world is good at this kind of shit,

and I gotta wind up with one that's clunky?

Okay, Jimmy. Well, the video leasing company called "you people" today,

and they said if they don't have a check by the end of the week,

they're gonna come and take all the equipment.

Jimmy.

So what do we do?

- Jimmy? - I don't know, Cuff. Maybe we should let Julie go.

It's not like the phone actually rings or anything.

Or maybe we could dip into your boat fund.

I mean, you're never really gonna buy a boat. We live in Denver, Jimmy.

Who has a boat in Denver?

Good-bye.

Hi.

Dagney? That's your name? Tremendous name.

My name is Jimmy, and I just have one simple, impulsive question:

- Are you in love? - What?

- At the present time, are you in love? - Why?

Because if you are, then I won't waste your time.

I mean, I'm not the type of man to impede another man's happiness.

However, if you're not presently in love,

then I will continue my rhapsody, because if I may so, Dagney,

you are most definitely the bee's knees.

Does this rap ever work?

Alas, in the old days. Uh, now I rarely get a chance to try it.

But you haven't answered my question.

- I forgot it. - Are you in love?

- Well, there is someone. - But?

We date. I have memorized his phone number, but I won't use his toothbrush.

We're somewhere in between, and he's crazy about me.

As he should be. You glide.

- I glide? - You glide. It's a very attractive quality.

Most girls, they merely plod along. You, on the other hand, you glide.

Tell me about it. What's his name? Chip?

- Alex. - Same thing. Does he... make you thump?

Define "thump."

Thump. When you think about him, you can't eat, you can't sleep.

When he smiles, you forget about man's inhumanity to man. Does he do that for you?

That's a ridiculous concept. No one can do that.

Girls who glide need guys who make them thump.

"Girls who glide need guys who make 'em thump."

- Have dinner with me. - Aren't we the sultan of segue?

- It's a beautiful month. Just have dinner with me. - Are you gonna make me thump?

Or die trying. Dinner.

Just dinner.

- I'm gonna regret this. - Only if we're lucky.

- See ya, Jack. - I'll see ya.

- Oh, m-Oh, my-my lucky fuckin' day. What? - Hey.

- Jimmy the Saint. - Hello, boys.

- That's a nice suit. Versace? - No.

- Armani? - No.

Hugo Boss?

- What's with this? - Ellie's P.O. said he needed a hobby.

- Fashion is his hobby? - He tried makin' his own pasta.

Didn't move him.

A three-button ventless. I like that, Jimmy. Classy.

'Course, uh, you gotta have the build for it.

- What's up? - He wants to see you, Jim.

- Aw, come on. What for? - Hey, what can I tell ya?

He says, "Gus, I wanna see Jimmy the Saint."

I said, "Boss, Jimmy the Saint ain't mixin' it up no more."

He says, "Gus, I wanna see Jimmy the Saint."

Here we are.

The point of me arguing seemed, uh, specious.

Gus is readin' the dictionary.