Marlon

Wassup, people!

Welcome, to the Marlon Way.

I'm Marlon. Good news!

We just hit 6 million subscribers!

Woo!

I woke up this morning at 5:15 a.m.,

and I thought to myself, why am I up so early?

But more importantly, why am I the only one up this early?

So I decided to drive over to my ex-wife Ashley's house

to invite her and the kids to join me.

Ashley!

Marlon, get

Marley!

Why are you my dad?

Surprise!

Marley! Zack! What the...

Hey, Mom! Check out the fort.

- You like it? - It's, uh, it's amazing.

It was Dad's idea.

Pretty cool, huh?

It's super cool, and you used my expensive sheets.

You want to see inside, Mom?

I would love to, thank you.

Hold up. What's the password?

Here's the hint: What do Dad and I love

more than anything in the world?

Farts.

- Oh, she's good! - She know us well!

That's a good guess, but that's not it.

What's the one thing in the world that the kids and I

- cannot live without? - Wait, Marley's in there?

I'm in the library. Can you please keep it down?

Come on, Ash, guess the password.

- I don't know the password. - Come on.

And I have to put these groceries down.

All right.

Hey, you fortify the ceiling in the rumpus room.

And don't use the toilet yet, okay?

- Marlon? - Hey.

Why is it that the really big,

disruptive projects always happen at my house?

Well, for one thing, I only got one set of sheets.

You don't want to use those.

- Here, hold this. - Mm-hmm.

Now, I want you to smile. Act like you like it.

1, 2, 3, say, "cheese."

- Cheese! - Okay.

Okay, so what did we just sell?

We just sold Paco's Alcohol-Free Tequila.

- Alcohol free booze? - Yeah.

- What's the point? - Yeah, I know, right?

I like making bad decisions.

All I know is they are paying me to heighten the awareness to the brand.

So, are you going to stay for dinner?

Hmm, let me see - stay and have a nice home cooked meal with you and the kids

or go home and listen to Stevie tell me the scientific reasons

why the "Walking Dead" could never happen?

Yeah, I think I'll stay here.

All right. Um, did you talk to Marley

about our meeting with Ms. Frye?

No, you said never to parent when you're not in the room.

- Marlon? - Huh?

Where's the coffeemaker?

It's in the fort.

We're opening a Starbucks behind the recliner.

Hey, make your mama a nonfat mocha latte with frappuccino!

Extra stevia, please, and almond milk!

Ash, this fort is gonna be lit.

There's gonna be a VIP section, we're gonna have a DJ,

we're gonna get a bouncer to keep out

all the gold-digging psychos that can't get a Laker.

Hmm, looks like we're gon' need that bouncer

a lot quicker than I thought.

- Marlon. - Yvette.

I thought you divorced him.

He's here more now than when you were married.

Oh, this should be good... marriage advice from a girl

whose longest relationship was All-Star weekend.

See...

- that was the old Yvette. - Hmm.

I have a long-term boyfriend now, and his name is God.

I hope he got some penicillin.

Um, excuse me, I'm celibate.

Yeah, well, you sell-a-bit of that to somebody else.

Hey, hey, hey, hey! Come on now.

Yvette, did you, uh, bring the shoes?

Girl, you know I brought the shoes.

Hold on, no, no. W-w-what's with the shoes?

Oh, Ashley's got plans tomorrow night.

Mm-hmm. No.

Ashley, I made family plans tomorrow night.

I got me, you, and the kids tickets to see

the new horror movie "Slaughter Camp."

Oh, well, Marlon, I wish you would've told me sooner.

- I have plans tomorrow night. - Well, cancel them.

She can't cancel them.

- She's right, Marlon. - Come on.

What plans y'all got? What y'all going to do?

Stand outside of a club watching all the 21-year-olds get in

while y'all sit there, ashy, eating street meet?

Is that more important than spending quality time

- with your family? - Dad!

I used the fort toilet!

Son, come on! That's your mama's Crock-Pot!

- Come on. - See?

That proves that you need a night out.

Yeah, but he made family plans to see "Slaughter Camp."

It ain't always about Marlon.

Girl, you're the one who ended this marriage.

Why are you acting like you're still married?

Well, you know, maybe if you ever get married

and have children one day, you'd understand.

Oh-ho-ho-ho-ho!

So now you throwing shade?

God ain't ready for that just yet.

What's up, people?

You know what goes great with spaghetti?

Paco's Alcohol-Free Tequila.

And the babies love it too. Ain't that right, son?

Thanks for the margarita, Dad.

Ahh!

Marlon, you cannot post a video

of a child drinking a margarita.

You can if it's alcohol-free. Drink up, son.

- Choke, choke, choke, choke! - Okay!

- Turn up! Turn up! Turn up! - Okay, stop, stop!

Okay, I think it's time we put our phones away.

Marley...

Daddy and I need to talk to you.

Ooh, Marley's in trouble!

This is new!

No one is in trouble, Zack. Okay?

Marley, we sat with your counselor today.

She said that you seem a bit withdrawn,

and we just want to make sure that you're okay.

Okay.

There are these girls at school... Tiffany and Claire.

They tweeted that I was a nerd just because I told Ms. Perkins

I had a passion for young adult literature.

That is very nerdy behavior.

Wait. Hold up. You're being bullied?

But you go to an all-white private school.

What does that mean, Marlon?

She's black.

If this was "Charlie Brown," she's Franklin.

Black girls can't get bullied by little white girls.

Listen, white people are genetically predisposed

to fear black people.

- Marley... - Google it!

Okay, Marley, just talk to the girls.

You tell them bullying is wrong.

What in "The Brady Bunch" are you talking about?

No, Marley, listen to Daddy. Okay, if them girls step to you,

you just got to act a little ghetto.

You know what I'm saying?

They come at you, you gotta be like, "Oh, hell no!

"Oh, hell no!

"I know you ain't! I know you ain't!

This what I wanted you to do! This what I wanted you to do!"

Then you gotta pull out your Vaseline,

start putting Vaseline on your face,

start braiding your hair just like you mean business.

Then after that, I want you to go, "No, it's all peace.

It's all peace. It's good. We good."

Then I just want you to walk away, and then you go,

"I lied, bitches! You gon' get it!

"You don't know me! I don't know me!

My mama don't know me, and I came out of her!"

Then I want you to get clapping on them, "No, I told you,

you better leave me alone! I am not the one!"

You do that, I guarantee you they gon' take off running,

and they never gon' mess with you again, okay?

- Mm-hmm. - Muah.

Marley... please ignore Daddy's advice.

Baby girl, trust me.

If you "black up," they gon' back up.

Now let us pray.

Marlon, your cable's broken.

The only channel you're getting is the Oprah Winfrey Network.

If I have to watch another Tyler Perry movie,

I may become a racist.

Stevie, you asked to crash on my couch for two weeks.

Brother, it's been two years!

Oh, is that all you remember about our past?

Do you not recall that it was me, Stevie,

who told you to post your first video to YouTube?

Okay, okay, you might've been instrumental

in the launching of my career.

Instrumental? Instrumental?

I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch.

"Bitch"?

I was using your misogynistic vernacular

to drive home my point.

Well, let me drive home my point.

Get a job, bitch.

Marlon, if I may, you're being

a bit more aggressive than usual.

Is there anything you want to share with me?

All right.

For the first time ever,