Girls

Home invasion.

Fran?

Fran. Fran.

- Hmm? - Someone's in the house.

You're good, baby. You're good.

Go, check. Fran, get up.

Someone's in the house.

Fran's coming to the living room!

So, watch out!

Um...

Jacob?

Oh, hey, what up, Fran, man?

Oh, my God. It's just Jacob.

Hey, how are you guys?

Jacob, you scared the shit out of me.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I, uh, I uh...

I had to clear all this stuff. I just pushed it against the wall

'cause I needed room and space

for the project I'm working on.

Uh, project?

Yeah, I'm making a map of my body

because I realized that every day I'm kind of growing a little bit.

Like, just a little bit, but I can tell that there's a difference.

You can, like, see it in my skin. Like, look at all this skin.

Like, a neck shouldn't be like this. This isn't normal.

And I don't know if it's part of just my skin

- or if it's in my blood. - Fran, he's crazy.

- Wait, what did you just say? - He's crazy.

- Listen... - I get what's...

What did your bitch just fucking say to me?

- You don't need to use language - He's

- like that, okay? - fully insane.

What did you just fucking say to me?

- I didn't say anything. - You're bar mitzvah'd, man.

- I don't care if I was bar mitzvah'd. - I did not call you crazy.

- I was saying... Ow! - I don't give a fuck!

- Whoa, okay. - What did you fucking say?

- You all right? - Ow! It didn't touch me,

- but it could have. - Why are you talking about me?

- All right. - Why did you say that I'm crazy?

- What did you tell her? - Take it easy. Take it easy.

I want to slow down. I want to be the fucking slowest in the world.

But I'm like a slow-motion Incredible Hulk and I'm gonna fucking Hulk out.

No, no, no, no. We're good. We're good.

You got your fucking bush hanging out.

It's blowing in the fucking wind

like a fucking Bob Dylan concert.

Well, we just woke up, okay?

I didn't pay her to see her bush.

- I understand. - I'm not putting quarters onto a table

to see her fucking bush, you understand?

- Yeah, yeah. - Okay...

And if I was doing that, I would go in, I would have mozzarella sticks,

and I would go look at a fucking bushy cooch.

But I don't want to fucking do that, okay?

If it's making you uncomfortable,

- I will cover my bush. - Don't...

I feel like you got the bigger half.

Well, if I did my job right, then they should be the exact same size, buddy.

- Sure it's okay if I stay here? - Yeah, of course.

What are you gonna do, like, get like, a seedy motel out by JFK?

I don't know.

I really thought Jacob was doing good, taking his meds, you know?

I try and look out for him, but...

Listen, it's so sweet of you to care,

but he's fucking crazy. Let's pretend he never existed.

- Yeah. - You're gonna be safe here.

Elijah is not at all violent, except when he drinks.

And you know what? The one time he thought he had a growth, he was right.

I'm not ashamed.

Look, Fran, the house rules are simple, okay?

- Keep it sweet, keep it sexy, - Mm-hmm.

keep that fridge stocked with K-Mart-brand seltzer...

it can be found at Valley Stream, Long Island.

- Yeah, or it can be LaCroix. Yeah. - LaCroix.

What are you guys doing up so early?

Oh, are you going to "work"?

Stop putting it in quotes. It's a job. You should try it.

Uh, ah, I work at Ray's, okay?

That's like a job.

Except it involves Ray and I can't take my shirt off.

You could take your shirt off. I've taken both things off there.

I know, but it's different if you're a girl.

Okay, buddy, we gotta go.

- I forgot to wear a bra. - Well, just stick with it, you know?

- 8th-grade boys are gonna love it. - Mmm.

- Have a good day, baby. - I love you. Mm.

Uh...

What, are we supposed to not do this now that you're around?

Mm.

Maybe.

We've a very specific relationship and we have to be able to express ourselves.

We worked really hard to get here.

If you want to get in here, we can see if we can figure something out.

- That's not what I meant. - Well, that's what I meant.

Oh, I mean, it's just been incredible, Adam.

Beyond my wildest dreams.

You know, I'm her mother, but she's my mother, you know?

What?

Lovey, how's my porridge coming?

Uh, great, angel.

Would you like hemp or agave syrup?

Laird, no agave. Fuck agave. How many times do I have to tell you?

It is through the roof on the glycemic index.

- Throw it away. - All right.

Down the sink. In front of my eyes. I want to see you throw it away.

O-okay. God.

Take your time. Thank you.

Oh, yes. Okay, you're gonna go see your uncle.

- Yes, yes, yes. - No, no, no.

- Oh, yes. - No, it's, ah, er, too small.

Brother, I have to take a shit. There you go.

I can't, I can't, I a-a-ah.

Ah, do you want your porridge first?

No, I don't want my porridge first.

And no knocking on this door for 40 minutes, Laird. 40.

Gotta give a mother her time.

Are you getting any time?

Oh, me? No, I don't deserve time.

You know, I'm not the one who pushed a baby out

the hole next to my pee hole.

You should have one, huh?

A baby, I mean, not another... not another pee hole.

Yeah, maybe I will.

Oh, yeah?

You got a little something brewing on the ol' love front?

Uh...

oh, uh, maybe.

Do you ever have feelings for someone, uh... but, er...

the situation is, uh, complex?

Uh, yeah, ever heard of a little lady called Hannah Horvath?

That, my friend, was an issue of timing.

Bad timing.

Yeah, right around when we met,

she had just gone in for, like, this... this big vagina surgery.

That's what she told me, at least.

The guy who just walked out is wearing a monocle.

There's a breast-feeding section.

What kind of a fucking douchebag names their store after a font?

I know, right? The coffee is so good.

That place is turning this shop into a ghost town.

Yeah, it's empty in here.

All right, you can't go there anymore.

What? Why?

Why do you think? You work here now.

They're the competition. We don't fraternize with the enemy.

Think about it.

Plus, they don't use lids, which is not only empirically terrible,

but also forces people to come here and steal our lids.

Yeah, but the coffee is so good.

- The coffee here is good. - Is it?

Yes, it is. Listen carefully.

You work here now.

You drink my coffee. Do you understand that?

Do you have any idea of what kind of a sign this sends?

When my employee starts endorsing their product?

Do you have any idea?

Keep it in your pants, okay?

I'll just go there to buy the beans.

I can make the coffee here.

So then I got my third DUI.

And a normal person would be like, "fuck drinking," at this point.

Not me, I was like, "Fuck driving."

So I got a bike and I started to ride my bike everywhere.

Till I hit that Polish kid.

You'd think that a bike couldn't do that kind of damage,

but he was messed up.

- Hey! - Jesus fucking Christ.

- Sorry. - You cannot grab people like that.

- Sorry. - I thought you were a murderer.

Okay.

No, no, no. We should talk about what happened.

We most certainly should not talk about that.

Yeah, we should.

For our sobriety.

You know what we should do? We should pretend like it never happened

and then maybe even never speak again.

I don't want to do that.

Well, who asked you what you want?

You feel something for me. I know it.

You're hiding behind your accent.

- So what? - So, we have to address it.

What? And then what?

It doesn't matter because nothing can ever happen.

Why not?

Because...

you stupid fucking... you idiot!

- Because Hannah. - She doesn't want to be with me.

It doesn't matter. She's my friend.

It's shitty, and I'm done being shitty.

Shitty is old news.

- We're friends. - Yeah? So what?

So can we just, uh, be with each other like, uh...

friends?

- Like follow me around? - Yeah.

Okay.

Well, I have really big plans today.

Do you need help, friend?

Okay, so, the central conflict of "Goodbye, Columbus,"