M*A*S*H

Just a high buff, please. No polish.

You have very strong hands, sir.

Oh, thank you, Klinger.

My father gave 'em to me for graduation.

He had to. Mom gave me a pen and pencil set.

I sure wish I was going with you.

‐Tokyo's the greatest. ‐Yeah.

In just a few short hours,

these hands will be hopelessly in love

with some young lady of the geisha persuasion.

Mmm, that runs into money.

No, not really.

A full evening with a Japanese hostess

comes to only about $30.

Of course, batteries are extra.

Very nice. You really do a good job, Klinger.

Well, I'm not just another pretty face.

You're a rat for not taking me to Tokyo with you.

I'm a married man, honey.

I only go out with girls who don't know that.

They're off again.

Only one thing on their pleasure‐depraved minds:

‐debauchery, lust. ‐What was that, Frank?

Fine ambassadors for the medical profession.

First they'll check into some sleazy little hotel,

probably shower, freshen up, like people of that type do.

And then they'll go down to the bar,

a dark little pickup place, and there'll be those girls

with tight satin skirts perched up on high bar stools

sitting there with their legs crossed.

And these two lechers will slither up to them and, you know.

What, Frank? What do I know?

Hey, what are you going to miss around here the least?

I think looking down and seeing a rat using my shoelace for dental floss.

You?

Be nice to go for three days without amputating anything.

Ah. Three days without shaking hands with somebody's gall bladder.

For your divine help in granting us this sabbatical,

we give thanks, O Lord.

You rang?

I didn't know He made house calls.

Well, Tokyo, here you come, I see.

‐We're off to see the wizard. ‐And who's that?

How do we know? We haven't met her yet.

I hate to interfere with your rest and relaxation‐‐

...but I do have a short shopping list from some of the gang,

and, of course, the filthy lucre to pay for same.

‐What do we got here? ‐Oh, the usual:

cameras, lenses, watches.

A training bra?

‐Can't be for anybody we know. ‐Klinger.

Understandably, there's some gaps in my education.

What exactly is a training bra?

It's just like an ordinary one,

only it has two little wheels in back.

Well, have a nice trip, boys. Be good.

And if you can't be good, be careful.

Aren't we lucky to have such a nice Father?

It's for the trip.

Oh, I thought you were signaling a left and a right turn.

I'll have to remember that.

Why don't you watch where the hell‐‐

Oh, I'm sorry, Father. I thought you were a regular person.

Quite all right.

Are you guys gonna be at the Daichi Hotel?

I mean, I may have to call you,

in case things start jumping back here at the ranch.

We're kinda off the Daichi, Henry.

Too near the railroad. Noisy.

They asked you not to come back, right?

They said we were too loud.

Some of the guests complained

they couldn't hear the railroad.

Look, either of you clowns know Yamashida Street, in Tokyo?

Yeah, sure. It runs parallel to the Ginza.

That's right. There's a Japanese restaurant right on the corner.

Hey, how about that? They got a Japanese restaurant in Tokyo.

And there's a book shop, next door.

‐Oh, yeah? ‐Yeah.

Now, they got this package for me.

Just give 'em this, 34 bucks,

and say you're Orville Carver.

Who's Orville Carver, Henry?

Well, they think I am.

But they've never seen me,

so they'll think either one of you guys is.

What's in the package, Henry?

Japanese prints. Old ones.

I mean, some things never change...

if you get my drift.

Henry, you have all the subtlety of a community bedpan.

Just get the prints.

Excuse me, sirs.

You got a shopping list, Radar?

You want us to buy you a new pair of glasses at the dime store?

How about another pair of Dr. Dentons?

I hear they came out with a new power flap.

Sign here, Colonel.

Radar, I spent the entire morning signing my name.

Now, why didn't you have me sign this

while I was signing all those other things

I was signing my name to,

which I didn't know why I was signing them either?

‐Signing. ‐Sir, this is new business.

A whole truckload of plasma just rolled in.

‐Ah, great! ‐Terrific.

Every time we get a new truckload of plasma,

we get a truckload of wounded to pump it into.

Well, let's go, Radar.

We'll have a bunch of shot‐up kids showing up soon.

Won't need this. Better suit up, guys.

Whatever you say, Orville.

Come on, close that. Let's go.

Please remember the sponge count, girls.

‐You too, Mr. Kwang. ‐Yes, Major.

I should be in Tokyo now,

up to my pectorals in warm water...

surfacing only occasionally to be fed raw fish

by a pretty, little "orienta."

‐Give me the heavier silk. ‐I'm sorry, doctor. Here.

Boy, I'd sure love to send my hips out for a walk.

Come on, give me that. Let's go, Nurse.

Let's not make a big thing out of this.

Okay, wrap this one to go, Mr. Kwang.

Yes, doctor.

Hello, toots. What are you doing after the war?

Don't be a wise guy, sir.

Hiya.

This guy's got a simple laceration. He can wait.

I'm closing a routine flesh wound here.

‐Henry, who's on triage? ‐Hold it.

I've got a bowel that's talking back to me here.

‐Here. ‐I didn't ask for this.

‐I thought you would need it. ‐Then I probably do.

‐Frank volunteered. ‐Figures.

Frank would volunteer for a firing squad.

‐Or to be in front of it. ‐Or both.

Colonel, I protest this attack

on Major Burns' character in his absence.

Actually, we're attacking his absence of character.

No kidding, Henry. We gotta start getting our casualties in here

‐in the right priority. ‐No question.

You can do this, Major.

‐I'm not sterile. ‐Congratulations.

Okay, men. Hustle, hustle, hustle.

Let's move it. Let's move it.

And back here on the double!

Father, this is a medical situation.

‐We're busy in here. ‐Oh, I'm just wetting his lips, Major.

Well, wet 'em somewhere else.

‐Frank, what are you doing? ‐What do you mean, "What am I doing?"

I'm doing my duty. That's what I'm doing.

Oh, really? Got a good ingrown toenail case?

Anybody with adenoids? Diaper rash?

Get off this bus, Captain.

The purpose of triage, Major,

is to select patients for immediate surgery.

Oh, you teaching me medicine now?

That's rich.

Why do you keep sending us cases that can wait?

Now, listen, hotshot. I'm a pretty fair doctor myself.

Ask any of my patients.

We can't dig people up just for that.

This man's got a chest wound. He oughta be in O. R. right now.

He happens to be Chinese.

Then we'll operate with chopsticks.

Corpsman, get this guy inside.

Now, don't you dare, and that's an order!

I'm busy now, Frank. I'll take your order later.

I remind you, Captain Pierce,

Army standard triage procedure is as follows.

American wounded, first. Allies, second.

Enemy, last. Repeat, last.

Frank, that man is bleeding more than anybody in here,

with the possible exception of your nose

if you don't get out of my way.

Let's go. Get him inside.

Now what you're doing is mutiny!

I'm command of this bus!

"Mutiny on the Bus." It was a B‐movie.

They couldn't afford a bounty.

Allen Jenkins played the bus driver.

MAN (over P. A.): Attention, all personnel.

Battle action has terminated. No incoming wounded.

Colonel Blake commends the unit

and invites everyone to have a drink‐‐

Dutch treat.

‐Hawk, coffee's up. ‐Fine. Pour it in my ear.

‐Come on. ‐Don't want any.

I'll take two lumps with mine.

Ahh.

I got a casualty count before we left O. R.

You want to know how many cases we handled in the last 36 hours?

‐No, not really. ‐473.

I think that's an all‐timer.

We did, um, 18 laporotomies, 21 busted femurs,