The Goldbergs

In the '80s, gym class was not

the politically correct,

supportive environment we know today.

To say the least, it was humiliating.

Using these state-sanctioned calipers,

I will rank you by weight and girth.

Let's grab that flab.

And it wasn't just our awkward bodies being judged.

It was also our athletic skill...

Or lack thereof.

Aha! Didn't make it to the wall in time.

Assume the position.

They don't call it "Butts Up" for nothing.

How is this a sport?

But the greatest indignity of all...

The sadistic ritual of picking teams.

Sposato.

In a public shaming,

the strong were separated from the weak.

My friends and I were always chosen last

for obvious reasons.

I'll take Sirota.

Sweet!

The kid picked third-to-last

was known as the "I don't know."

I don't know. Dave Kim.

Yes! I'm not the worst!

Second-to-last was the "I guess".

Goldberg, I guess.

A fine choice.

The only thing worse than being picked last were the games,

where the athletic ruled

and the scrubs desperately wished to go

under the radar.

Don't pass to me! Don't pass to me!

Don't pass to me!

What?

Goldberg, you're the worst.

I welcome the feedback.

But luckily, for kids like me,

there was another world where we were champions...

Dungeons and Dragons.

Long before Xbox, there was a role-playing game

with 20-sided dice and a Dungeon Master

who led you on adventures using books

filled with monsters and treasure.

The firenewt is coming for you, Gribald the Unreasonable.

I use my potion of fire resistance.

- It works. - Yes!

Oh, no. Not this game.

I heard all about it on "60 Minutes".

A stuffy Southern reverend said it's the gateway to black magic.

Don't worry, guys. I got this.

Okay, mama, I won't play the thing

that makes my heart happy.

You bewitched me, you little devil.

Look away. I'm doing this for us.

Dungeons and Snuggles!

Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah.

I'm a little devil, and I like kisses.

It was April 6, 1980-something,

and my sister's plan for her future

was about to rock our mother to her very core.

Mom, insanely great news.

I'm gonna do what you want and stay in state for college.

In state? That's where I live.

Yes. Good.

CMU it is.

Where in Philadelphia is CMU?

Um, Carnegie Mellon's only like a little bit west.

How far west?

Pittsburgh.

Pittsburgh?! No. Too far.

You're the worst daughter in the world.

Come on, Mom.

It's a great school with an amazing music program.

No, you're gonna go to JFA right here in town.

We discussed this.

I am not going to the Jenkintown Funk Academy.

Oh, so now you're too good for the Funk. Huh.

Yes, the Funk is in a mini-mall

between a dry cleaner and a balloon shop.

Come on, Mom.

Even Mr. Glascott said CMU is perfect for me.

At least hear him out.

And then undermine and overpower him.

Okay. Sure thing. Set that meeting.

Dad, you need to come with us.

Mom is in full sabotage mode.

This is my dream.

And it's my dream to have one less moron living in this house.

- I'll help you. - Aww.

I'll go, too.

College is a nonstop party.

You never even went to college, Al.

Yes, but I just watched "Back to School"

with Rodney Dangerfield.

It's about this delightful old scamp

who goes back to school, and it's hilarious,

'cause let's face it...

A guy that old doesn't go back to school.

But he does.

He goes back to school but good.

Are you done?

I don't have to be.

While Erica and my dad were struggling

to get my mom on board,

my friends were fighting their way through enemy territory.

As you climb out of the pit,

a band of marauding orcs awaits you.

Mondragor, your move.

Earth to Mondragor.

Sorry, guys. I can't stop thinking about gym class.

We've been picked last for years.

- It's bull crap. - Relax, dude.

The athletes rule now, but once we hit high school,

our brains and elegance will be valued.

Really?

For sure.

Until then, back to the orc attack.

More like dork attack! Nice.

Oh, God.

Face the facts, Un-Kool and the Gang,

you guys are doomed.

When did you even sit down?

My point is, you guys got to figure out a way

to not get picked last before you're in high school.

Otherwise, you'll never date,

you'll never love, you'll never have joy.

Later.

What if your mean-spirited brother's right?

I can't be bottom of the social chain in high school.

And just because I'm the coolest one in our group

doesn't mean anything in the outside world.

Okay, that settles it.

We're gonna break the cycle of dorkdom.

- But how? - I'll tell ya how!

Tomorrow, I shall storm Mellor's office

and demand an end to our oppression!

- Huzzah! - Huzzah!

- Huzzah! - Huzzah!

No!

Come on. Please.

Picking teams has been the same

since the dawn of physical education.

The awesome jocks choose kids in descending order

of athletic ability.

What is the problem?

The problem is the rest of us suffer.

Turns out, gym class will determine

how society views us for the rest of our lives.

People... really think that?

Of course.

Don't you realize

gym is the most important class there is?

Well, I know that.

It's just, when the English department

doesn't invite you out for bowling night,

it... really gets in your head.

You hold the power, Coach.

Whatever you choose here today

could change the course of our whole lives.

Let's do it.

Tomorrow, you'll be the team captain,

and you can choose all your nerd friends first.

Sounds great,

except for the part where you called us nerds.

Losers it is, then!

Tomorrow, the hierarchy of the physical-education world

will be turned upside down,

and all you dregs, dipwads, and dweebs, rejoice!

I had won over Coach Mellor,

but my mom was hoping to sway Mr. Glascott to her team.

Have to admit, I love it when an entire family comes together

to discuss a young lady's journey to college.

So any first thoughts?

Yes, uh that

Okay, hot out of the gate.

So you came to voice some concerns.

I hope you're here to keep this conversation civil.

I'll do what I can.

Gotcha.

Uh, I'm still not sure

what the gentleman in the corner is doing here.

I'm considering going back to school myself.

Ignore him. He saw a movie.

Can we talk about CMU now?

Look, I know it's scary sending your baby out into the world,

but this college can turn your little girl into a leader.

And in that moment, my mom saw more than just a brochure.

She saw the chance to make all of Erica's dreams come true...

It, uh... does look a bit nicer than the Funk Academy.

While my dad saw the reality

of a world without his princess.

Who are these guys?

Who are these guys?

Who are those guys?

And Pops just felt ripped off.

I don't see any hot tubs in the dorms.

Are there hot tubs in the dorms?