Man with a Plan

You know, these animal valentines you got

for the kids to take to school, they're a little racy.

Like, look at this cartoon bear.

He's wearing nothing but a bow tie.

Where's he going, a bachelorette party?

I still don't understand why every kid in the class

has to get a valentine.

When I was their age, the only kids who got

a full bag of valentines were nice or foxy.

Like me.

You were foxy in the third grade?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's the year I grew into my head.

- Ah. - Yeah.

Second grade, not so foxy. I tipped over a lot.

Yeah.

So, my beautiful bride,

would you like to have "a whale of a time"

this Valentine's Day?

Actually, this year, I don't want to do anything.

I love that we can still make each other laugh.

No, I-I'm serious.

I just, I just want to do nothing.

Yeah, this feels like a trap.

No, it's not.

Look, we're always running around,

and I haven't had time to get you something.

Plus, they gave me a standing desk at work,

so I have been on my feet for three days.

I will not be the first person to sit down.

So, uh, this doing nothing for Valentine's Day,

are you serious?

Yes. Yes.

No going out and no gifts.

My perfect Valentine's Day

would be a quiet night at home with the people I love.

And many glasses of wine.

Okay. Well, I guess we'll just stay here

and have dinner with my folks and the kids.

That sounds perfect.

Really?

How many glasses of wine have you had tonight?

: Okay.

Look, bottom line is,

we've celebrated for 17 years.

I'm just... I'm over this holiday.

You know, every day I love you more and more,

because as time goes by...

you make me show it less and less.

Aw.

So Andi doesn't want anything for Valentine's Day?

All she wants is to drink wine, so just her normal night.

That sounds like a trap.

That's what I said; but she denied it,

and then we made out for a while, so it's real.

Oh, you've finally reached that sweet spot in marriage

where you could phone it in.

Welcome to the bigs, kid, huh?

And now I just got to figure out a gift for Mom.

Good luck with that, little brother.

I out-gift him every year.

But it's cute that he still tries.

Don't take it personally.

I'm the oldest; I made her a mother.

What did you bring to the table?

Well, unlike you,

I didn't make her deliver a baby that was three feet tall.

The struggle only made her love me more.

They put him in the nursery; people thought he worked there.

Oh, I know what I'll do.

I'll just slide the gift I bought for Andi over to Mom.

Yeah. A 14-karat-gold necklace with pictures of the kids on it.

Oh, her grandchildren will rest on her heart.

Is there a way to bet on this?

I'd like to put my money on Adam.

What you boys don't understand is,

it's not the gift, it's the giver.

We'll see.

I think I got a good shot.

This could be the year that Mom says to you:

"Mm, it's the thought that counts."

Thanks for letting me borrow your slow cooker.

Yeah, well, we had to hide this

after Teddy used it to boil Emme's Barbies.

Yeah. It was very disturbing.

- The heads are the last thing to melt. - Ugh.

And they float.

Ugh.

Ooh.

What's this?

Mm.

"To Andi, Happy Valentine's Day,

love, Adam"? (GASPS)

Open it.

- Oh, I don't think I should. - Seriously?

No, I'm definitely going to.

I just felt like I should say that.

- Ooh, shiny! - Oh!

Oh, look, and it's got pictures of the kids on it.

That is so sweet. But I thought you told him

you didn't want anything for Valentine's Day.

I did, but he didn't listen.

That usually makes me so mad.

Oh, it's beautiful.

Oh.

I have the most thoughtful husband in the whole world.

I have the most thoughtful son in the whole world.

I saw this necklace and I thought,

"There is no one who deserves this more than my mother."

Now, I don't want to put words in your mouth,

but it's kind of the best gift ever, huh?

Oh, I-I don't like to think of it

as a competition between you boys, but...

this is gonna be hard to beat.

I'm glad you like the new guy's gift.

Now, let's see what your firstborn got you.

Go get 'em, Donny.

I think you're gonna love it so much

that next year I'm gonna have to give you a necklace

with a picture of

this on it.

Huh.

It's a damn cactus!

Uh-huh.

Are you throwing the game?

I know what this is.

This is the beginning of a scavenger hunt to the real gift.

Where's the clue? Underneath?

No, Ma, you're always saying how you love

going to Arizona and seeing all the cactuses.

She likes to swim, too; does that mean

you're gonna throw a bucket of water on her?

Maybe you're mixed up.

Okay. This is from me.

Your firstborn.

I made you a mommy.

Well, it's the thought that counts.

There it is.

Joe, why don't you take that outside for me?

Oh, yes, this cactus will love the snow.

I'm gonna go see how my new necklace looks.

If this is what my son got me,

I can't wait to see what my husband gets me.

What are you doing to me?

What?

You told me you were getting her chocolates,

so I got her flowers.

Now the flowers are just gonna sit in the trash

with this-this blowfish in a pot.

I didn't mean to ruin your day.

I was just trying to ruin his.

It's not ruined.

Valentine's Day isn't over yet.

The firstborn will rise again.

Come on, Donny, let's head to the Hallmark store

and see if we can pull out of this nosedive.

Happy Valentine's Day!

Yay.

A book?

Are you mad at us?

- Ah, we're just kidding. - Ah!

Happy Valentine's Day.

Oh, did you see their faces?

They thought they were gonna have to read.

I know. Oh, wait. Hold on, hold on, hold on.

Valentine's Day isn't over yet.

It's time for Daddy's gift.

Daddy's gift?

I thought Daddy didn't get a gift.

That's what Mommy said and Daddy believed her.

Open it.

I don't want to.

No, go ahead.

Uh, o-okay, b-but before I do,

just to be clear, as previously agreed upon,

I... I didn't get you anything.

Okay, sure.

Okay.

I'm going in.

It's a table hockey game!

Where's the screen?

Does if have Wi-Fi or...?

It's just like the one I had when I was a kid.

I love it!

Ah, good.

I just had to show you how much you mean to me.

Oh. (SIGHS)

: Okay. That's it.

That was a great Valentine's Day, yeah.

But everything is over now, so...

Ah.

: Okay.

Well, I guess I'll just go to the kitchen,

'cause everything's over now.

Okay.

Here I go.

Okay. Buh-bye.

Okay, five bucks for anyone who can tell me what just happened.

He didn't give you the necklace?

No. It doesn't make any sense.

Unless he's got a girlfriend who's also named Andi