Q-Force

Bye, bitch!

Hi, bitch!

Actually? Cute.

Yes!

Four minutes, nine seconds. An agency record.

Like I said, he's the best of the best. My baby's about to hunt the Taliban.

The American Intelligence Agency is proud to announce

the addition of 30 new cadets

who are about to enter the field as covert operatives,

including an all-time record two women.

One hot and one... funny.

But enough about diversity. Our 2011 valedictorian,

Agent Steve Maryweather!

Wow, just wow. Thank you so much.

I'm very fortunate to be receiving this award

the same year "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" was repealed.

Because now I can stand before you and accept this honor as my true self.

None of you asked, but I'm sure as hell gonna tell.

I, Steve Maryweather,

the valedictorian of your class, and the future of the Agency,

am a gay man!

And I look forward to serving my country with all of my big gay heart.

I'd like to thank the AIA, Céline Dion, and those Marky Mark Calvin Klein ads

for making me the man I am...

Will you look at this, there was a mistake.

We just, uh, re-crunched the numbers,

and Maryweather isn't the valedictorian after all. It's actually, uh...

Agent Buck, who happens to be straight.

But that's not what's going on. It's legit. Okay, Agent Buck.

Tough break, Maryweather.

Or should I say Agent Mary?

Give it up for Agent Mary, everybody.

- Mary! - Oh, my God.

Agent Mary!

You're young, just hang in there.

In ten years, you'll be running this place.

Of course I respect your decision, Director Chunley.

At the very least, I hope this little incident won't affect my posting.

Don't get your panties in a wad, Mary.

I have the perfect assignment for you. You'll be running your own division.

What? That's amazing. Where? Moscow? Beijing?

Got it.

Thirty terrorists were captured in a raid outside Kinshasa last night.

Details about the mission are classified,

but the White House expressed their admiration

for those agents on the frontline.

Hey, dildo! Just met the president. Again. He's, like, obsessed with me.

Ten years in the field, three Medals of Honor...

Remind me, who's head of the class now?

Ow!

Yoo-hoo.

- Mr. Air-B-B man. - Oh, there you are.

We are looking everywhere for you, Air-B-B man.

Well, you found me. Uh, you might wanna cover up, though.

Public nudity is a no-no in America.

We are not ashamed. We are vacation.

So, here's the thing. We need more towel, bad.

Ja, we used them all. The towel.

Oh, absolutely. I'll have fresh towels for you after work.

Wow, wow, wow. You are so strong. What is your job?

Are you a rough guard at one of your famous American prisons?

No, I'm... I'm actually an interior designer.

Uh, and I'm actually late. I'll see you later.

- All right, squad, assemble! - Sup, Mar?

I'll tell you what's up. It's the best day of the month

for the best spies in the world.

That's right, people, I'm talking Check-In Day!

Up first, standing five-foot-eight, weighing in at...

I wanna say a strong 165?

Bitch, I'm a dense 198, and I worked hard for every pound.

- Take it away, Agent Deb. - Thank you very much.

So, I've been thinking. Should our squad ever work a mission...

Which we will, 'cause we're the best.

Which we will, 'cause we're the best.

How are we gonna get there? If you ask me, what this scrappy little spy squad needs

is a super high-tech,

blow-your-fucking-mind-out-your-ass spy car!

Oh, my God, yes!

Wow! That looks... sturdy.

Because it fucking is.

The body is a 2006 Subaru Outback.

And on the inside, it can drive, it can fly...

Whoa.

...plus, it's pre-loaded with Tracy Chapman's entire discography,

so you know it's a "Fast Car."

- Who's Tracy Chapman? - I think he's a senator.

Deb, you're a fucking genius. And I'm a fucking genius for recruiting you.

- Say it again. - No time, too excited.

Genius number two, you're up. It's the Duchess of the Hack-Pack.

Ew.

- Our very own Dongle-Goblin. - That one's fine.

I'm talking about Agent Stat, people. Show me what you got.

I found that Malaysian plane everyone was looking for way back when.

What? Oh, my God, what are you saying? How did you even think to look there?

Now, it's check-in time for our Master of Disguises.

Wait, has anyone seen Twink?

Would you like some chamomile, love?

For your nerves.

Thank you, Grandma Rose.

Wait a minute, Grandma Rose is dead! Trampled to death ten Black Fridays ago!

Relax, booboo! It's me! Check-In Day realness, bitch.

I mean "boss." But also "bitch," 'cause I love you, bitch.

Twink. That was amazing and very triggering.

As always, you guys have blown me away with your check-ins.

Now to close out Check-In Day with a bang, your boss who'd never forget to floss,

the best damn spy in the whole frickin' world,

give it up... for me!

I added 3.6 centimeters to my vertical leap.

That was my check-in.

Why is that paper-towel dispenser texting us?

Oh, my God, this is it! The Agency's taken notice of our progress,

and we're about to get our first case.

They're actually cutting our budget again, another 15%.

And now they're saying I have to reimburse them for this paper.

"Kill me"?

Oh, I forgot to tell you, I taught the printer how to feel.

That was gonna be next month's check-in.

Guys, remember, every week that we don't get a case,

we are one week closer to getting a case.

I'm worried. I'm sure you can tell, but just in case you can't,

the squad's morale is lower than my wife's singing voice.

Wait, really? But that was such a killer check-in.

It was, but we've been busting our humps out here, and for nothing.

We need to work a real case already.

Do you remember what you said when you recruited each of us?

That one day, we'd save the world. And I still believe that.

But it's time for a reality check.

Now, I wasn't going to tell you this,

but Pep Boys offered me Assistant Manager again.

And I'm thinking about taking it.

Deb, you'd leave? You're so much more than a mechanic, though.

Dude, this whole thing is turning out to be more like a little club

than a life of action and adventure.

We won't be on the sidelines forever. We're too good.

Something's gotta change, or you're gonna lose the rest of us real soon.

Deb doesn't know what she's talking about.

Wait, what the fuck? Is that... a gray hair?

You're young, just hang in there.

In ten years, you'll be running this place.

Ooh.

Oh, God. Oh. Don't mind me. Yeah.

Hope you enjoyed all your towels last night.

Ja, we did. And we used them all.

I gotta get to work.

Ah, and how is your designing of the interior going?

Terribly, actually. It's going terribly.

I mean, can you believe I haven't had a single...

design mission in ten years?

I'm the best of the best. I've surrounded myself with the greatest team of super...

designers in the world,

but the powers that be don't see us as valuable just because we're queer!

Oh? Is there a lot of anti-LGBTQ discrimination

in the world of West Hollywood interior design?

Yeah. There is. And I'm sick of it.

- We got your text. Everything okay? - Does this look okay?

Is that a toenail?

No, it's a gray hair. Because I'm old.

Our lives are passing us by. And it's time to do something about it.

Botox? Tummy tuck? Squirt your ass-fat into your head?

Better. Stat, fire up the Command Center,

initiate a secure video conference with West Coast HQ.

I'm gonna demand that we be assigned a case.

Ten years I've waited.

And you've all stood by me.

This ends today...

Hey, girl!

Steve. It's great to hear from you.

How's my favorite tragic-story-of-wasted-potential doing?

Good! So good. And may I say, Deputy Director V,

you're positively radiant today, but also still very young-looking.

- Do I look like a pancake to you? - No, ma'am, you do not.

Then stop buttering me up.

You're funny. You're always funny. I've always liked that about you.

I tell my team this all the time. "You know who's funny? Deputy Director V."

So I've been thinking, you know what might be so neat? If we got a case.

You know I love you, but I can't make any promises. I'll see what I can do.

V. It's me. You know me.

Ten years ago, you told me I'd be running this agency by now.

But now I can't even get a case? I mean, look at this team I put together.

They're amazing. And you should be an ally.

You think I have it any easier?

I'm the only woman in this entire agency with any power.

The next highest-ranking woman is Joanie, the pasta chef in the cafeteria,

and her pasta sucks, and everybody hates her.

I know you're frustrated. But it's just a matter of time.

Opportunities don't come on a schedule.

Oops! But interrogations do.

Okay, I'll say it. She looked good.

She has gray hairs, too.

You just can't see them because all our screens suck.

You know what? Enough waiting to see what they can do for us.

Let's show them what we can do for them, huh? Today, we go rogue!

Wait, what?

You heard me. I'm going rogue! Who's with me?

Are you guys ready to live this freaking dream already?

The Navy had me in an office, pushing pencils,

and you saw what I could really be.