M*A*S*H

Don't you love this? Hot chili in the middle of a heat wave.

Quit your griping. This steam table's like a sauna.

Then you oughta serve Swedish meatballs.

Ears front, fellow sweaters.

Tonight when the mercury dips into the breezy 90s

"Watch America's fighting men

as they march across Africa's scorching desert sands"

Again with this?

"...and right into your hearts in" "Sahara!"

Hey, that's showbiz.

Klinger, if you're gonna give us heat and war,

at least make it new heat and war.

You're talking to the wrong lackey.

I just show whatever Special Services sends me.

Maybe Bannister can help you. Bannister?

He's the movie courier. Come on. Let's go be film critics.

Bannister, huh? Uhhuh.

I'm Hunnicutt. He's Pierce. We're doctors.

Your movies are making us sick.

Gee, I'm awfully sorry, but I have nothing to say

about the movies.

I just bring 'em. I'm still sorry.

Who's the manager of the Korean theater?

Oh, you mean Major Frankenheimer. Frankenheimer.

Frankenheimer. Head of Special Services in Seoul.

He makes all the selections.

Yeah, well tell him if he sends us "Sahara" one more time,

the audience will be lobbing grenades.

Hey? Hey? I'll see what I can do,

but, uh, don't expect anything to change.

Excuse me. Uh, we're out of milk.

Is there anything left in your pitcher?

Huh? Right there. The pitcher.

Can we have your milk? That's milk.

Oh, well. I guess that'll have to do then.

Thank you. What?

For the milk. Yeah.

Is something wrong?

Why, does it show?

We're all sweating, but you look like you're drowning.

Oh, it's nothing. It's nothing.

Hey. Doctors, remember? You can tell us.

It's, uh, women.

Huh? Hmm?

Women. Women. I get nervous around 'em.

Gee, that's too bad. They're everywhere.

Yeah, well, that's why I joined the army.

I figured I wouldn't have to deal with it,

but, uh, I never counted on nurses.

MAN (on P. A.): Attention, all personnel. Incoming wounded.

Out of the frying pan and into the O. R.

Now, that's what makes me nervous.

How's General Rothaker coming along?

Still a little groggy.

But he should be up and saving the world

from peace in no time.

Save the needles for O.R. I hope I look okay.

I gotta go pay my respects to him.

You look great.

Those incompetents. Those fools. Those dunderheads.

Which dunderheads are you talking about? ICorps.

Oh, the head dunderheads.

We ordered a case of codeine, and look

what they've sent us... placebos.

Oh. Pills that do nothing. Useless.

How much codeine do we have on hand? About a week's worth.

I'll tell the colonel as soon as he's free. Thank you.

Too bad they don't use placebo bullets. Yes.

Let the soldiers just think they're dead. Mmhmm.

This is the first MASH I've ever toured on my back.

You people do good work. Thanks, General.

One thing, though.

When they brought me into the compound,

the corpsman had beer on his breath.

Well, once in a while,

the men like to have a tall cold one,

especially in this heat.

But no one in my command works a medical shift

in an impaired condition.

I'm not doubting it.

But you do have your own speakeasy here, don't ya?

Well, we do have a kind of a social club.

Mmm. And this social club,

is it operated by authorized Special Services personnel?

Well, technically speaking, it is not...

Then technically speaking, what is it doing there?

Well, now, General, we both know the best way

to blow off steam is with a wet whistle.

I don't know that at all.

I don't want to smell any more booze on anybody's breath.

As of now, any bars or alcohol in this area

are strictly offlimits.

But, General... Colonel, this MASH is dry.

That's an order. And I expect you to carry it out.

Yes, sir.

There they are, Stegman, coming over the hills.

Yes, sir. I see them.

There's no end to this furnace.

Baste me once before I die.

Didn't you inherit the heatresistant blood of your forefathers?

They cut my family out of the will when we moved to Ohio.

C'mon, there must be something you can do.

Take two ice cubes and call me in the morning.

Very funny. You'll be laughing at my funeral.

I tell you, I'm gonna die.

Courage, Camille. I think I got something for you.

This is a brandnew, topsecret experimental drug.

It keeps the body at a constant comfortable temperature

no matter what the weather's like.

Gimme one.

Gimme one, and I'll give ya anything you want.

Just keep it a secret. Now only take one a day.

You don't wanna get pneumonia. Thank you.

Thank you.

Tell me, Dr. Cronkite...

comes winter, do you have something that will keep me warm?

Ah, I just gave him a placebo. Really?

And it's working already. It cured us of him.

Folks, could I have your attention for a moment, please?

The next round of drinks is on me.

That's because it's also the last round.

The 4077th from now on is on the wagon.

On the wagon?

I don't like it much myself,

but these orders came straight from General Rothaker.

And unfortunately, he's got the regs

and two stars on his side.

So this is how it is. No booze on base.

What's the big deal? We'll all go to Rosie's.

Sorry, folks. Rosie's bar and any other offcampus dives

you can think of are offlimits.

So my advice for now is drink that final one real slow.

It's gotta last ya.

The only good thing about being here

is that we're able to drink and forget we're here.

Uh, we still have the still.

Oh. Shall we take a stroll by the light of the silvery moonshine?

Mmm. I'm gonna go in there and pour my heart out.

I'll drink to that.

No, you won't. It's gone.

Damn it.

Wait. They left a ransom note.

"Sorry, boys, but I've had to impound your hoochmobile

"for the duration of Rothaker's stay.

Reluctantly, Colonel Potter."

Lousy revenuers.

Gentlemen. Quiet, Charles.

I'm looking for the liquor ads.

I thought you went to see "Sahara" tonight.

Indeed, I did. But, alas, I had to leave when the film broke,

which was about two seconds

after I ripped it from the projector.

And I would have been here sooner

but I had to stop to accept the cheers of the entire audience.

My, my. What has become of your wino's erector set?

Potter took it. Rothaker has declared prohibition.

Hey, hey, hey. Listen to this.

"Blue movie banned in Boston."

What? "'The Moon is Blue,'

starring David Niven, William Holden

and Maggie McNamara

has been banned from local theaters

due to its suggestive nature."

Philistines. They said the same thing

about "Babette Meets the Fleet."

Gentlemen, uh, before you unleash your libidos

bear in mind, Boston would have banned "Pinocchio."

"The Otto Preminger film failed to receive

a production code seal of approval

when he refused to delete sexually explicit scenes and dialogue."

This is a work of art. Sexually explicit scenes.

And dialogue. We've gotta see this.

What's the name of that guy

in Special Services Bannister works for?

Uh, Frankenheimer. Frankenheimer!

We gotta call him first thing in the morning and get this movie.

Sexually explicit scenes! And dialogue!

Yeah. Oh... Okay. What? What?

Well, Bannister did everything he could, but it's nogo.

Frankenheimer's not taking calls from anybody but top brass.

Why don't we forget the movie

and just have a sweating contest?

Hi, guys. Nice day, isn't it?

Will you look at him? He's "sheveled."

Klinger, have you been seeing an air conditioner

behind our backs?

No need to, Doc.

Thanks to those pills you gave me,

I'm cool as a cucumber.

I'm going for some coffee. Can I get you a cup?

Coffee? What are you, crazy?

Looks like I've discovered the cure for the common hot.

I wish you'd never told me those pills weren't real.

I'd be taking one with my coffee.

Hi, kid. Hi. What do you got there?

"Sahara." We're bringing it back to Major Frankenheimer.

We wanted to deliver it to him personally,

to make sure nothing happened to it.

Oh, hey, you guys can't go in there.

Oh, perfect. Can you say that again, louder?