Lopez vs. Lopez

Lop-EZ Movers.

Me hablo español if you speak slowly.

Oh, you want to reschedule your Wednesday move?

Yeah, we can do Thursday.

Oh, great.

Oh.

You're rescheduling because your mother died?

So not great.

- When am I getting my paycheck?

- Friday. Oh, no, not you.

Friday's booked.

I need socks.

Mommy, catch!

Ow!

Mother--oh!

No, no, no, no, no, not your mother.

May her memory be a blessing.

- Mayan, help me open this tape.

I can't use my nails.

They stopped growing two years ago.

Find someone else.

No, no, no, no, not you.

Damn it!

No pay till Friday.

No ball in the house.

- Come on. - And no more talking.

- Okay. - Okay.

What a day.

You have no idea what it's like managing the Apple Store.

You got kids running around, employees wanting paychecks,

helpless old people.

It's just...

- I'm hungry. What's for dinner?

Oh, I got so busy,

I forgot to ask you to defrost the chicken.

- I got so busy, I forgot to buy the chicken.

- Well, I remembered to be hungry.

I'm sorry, buddy.

Mommy and Daddy are still adjusting to our new jobs.

- We've got a lot going on, but we'll figure it out.

I already figured it out.

I'm ordering pizza.

Large pepperoni, six-pack of Mountain Dew,

cookie pie.

You guys want anything?

* *

I'm here.

Not as often as the Domino's guy.

Pizza again?

This is the fourth time this week.

Pizza again?

This is the fourth time this week!

- I can't believe I'm actually saying this,

but I could use a salad.

- Oh, this pizza has a hair on it.

Oh, that's mine.

- It's fine. We'll save the rest for tomorrow.

- What about that dinner plan you said you'd figure out?

I said we'd figure it out.

- Babe, I told you how stressful work is.

I just thought you would start doing

a little more around the house, since...

you're around the house all day.

Trouble in paradise.

- If there was a ghost in this house,

he'd be right here, "Woooo."

- I may be home, but I'm still at work.

My job is a little more demanding than asking people,

"Have you tried turning your phone off and back on again?"

Oh, shots fired.

- Plus, you have a staff of Geniuses.

I work with...

Not geniuses.

Hey, I'm Alberto Einstein.

Híjoleequals MC es-squared.

Chut up! You chut up, es-stupid!

- I can see how the long commute

from the bedroom to the living room

makes it hard to boil some noodles.

- Ooh. No, he didn't!

- If you want noodles, then boil them yourself.

I don't have time or energy

to do any more than what I'm already doing.

Well, neither do I.

So I guess nothing's getting done.

- Fine. - Fine.

- This hair actually isn't mine.

* *

Whoa.

What are you doing with that?

- I'm gonna scale the Shanghai Bank Tower

and pull off the heist of the century.

The toilet's clogged, man.

- No, no, no, no, no. That is a home problem.

Mayan works at home. She should plunge it.

So I will put this in her office.

- Ooh. What are you doing?

- A little game I like to call Passive-Aggressive Jenga.

If Quinten wants clean dishes, he can deal with them.

So don't wash them.

- Finally, a promise I can keep.

Since Mayan and Quinten started fighting,

there's no one here doing the cooking.

There's no cleaning.

I miss my maid and my chef.

Now it's just like I'm living with family.

- You know, you can always go to that spa on Figueroa

where, for $4, you can shower and wash your clothes.

That's a car wash.

Only if you have a car.

I gotta go grocery shopping.

Excuse me, miss, where do you keep the frozen pizza?

- George, this isn't a good time.

I have someone over. - What do you mean?

- A male someone. - What?

Liar. Let me see.

- The lady said it's not a good time.

- What are you doing in here, Chance?

- Mommy dropped me off so she could fight with Daddy

while still protecting my innocence.

And Nana's doing my laundry.

- Is that why his chone-chones are drying in the kitchen?

My dryer's broken.

My bedazzled bra got stuck in the gears...

again.

Can I stay here?

I mean, I tried to help them over there,

but Quinten took away my favorite plunger, Chupacaca.

- I tried to clean. Mayan took my broom.

Then how did you get home?

Magic.

The same way I'm about to make you disappear.

No, no, no, no! Come on, Rosie.

I'm sorry, Rosie, I'm sorry. All right?

Can I stay? We can all hide out here.

It'll be great.

You fix me breakfast, I'll fix the dryer.

You know me. You give me 20 minutes,

I can remove a bra.

- Those 20 minutes were the only foreplay I ever got.

Would be nice to have my dryer working again.

- Great. And, you know,

my chone-chones could use a wash too.

Ta-da!

How did you do that?

I got magic too, bruja.

Really?

You're not gonna make my side of the bed?

Sorry, can't.

Too busy with work.

Whatever.

I need to fold my laundry.

Your laundry?

- Yeah. Yours is still in the hamper.

Oops, I accidentally washed a pair of your socks.

- Well, thank you. I'll put 'em away.

No, I got it.

- My prayers have been answered!

- What are we doing? This is not fun.

No, you're right.

Maybe we should just sit down, spend an hour,

and just really talk through our feelings.

I think that's a good idea.

Ha! You have an hour.

You could be cooking dinner.

- You set a trap and baited it with healthy communication?

- It doesn't make sense for me to cook dinner.

You're the one that's good at it.

- Yeah, but you can become good at it too.

Okay, I found a video, and I swear to you,

it's gonna help.

- To boil water, you need four things.

You don't get it.

I didn't just lose my job,

I'm starting a whole new career.

It would be nice if you cared.

No, I-I do care.

But I have been working twice as many hours,

and I am managing an entire store of people.

And it feels like that just doesn't matter to you.

* *

Shall I carve the roast?

- Not until after the spinning salad.

- All those years wasted eating motionless salad.

It's like "Wheel of Fortune."

I'd like to buy a crouton. Thank you.

- Thank you for fixing the dryer,

changing that light bulb,

and finishing my crucifix wall.

I was happy to help.

Although using all those nails around Jesus,

I felt a little insensitive.

Chance, would you like to say grace?

- Dearest God, what if this was the family?

- Ah! - Aww.

May I be excused?

I'd like to wash my hands before dinner.

Claro que sí, mi Gordo.

I can't believe we're not fighting.

Why do you think that is?