The Goldbergs

Back in the '80s, game shows ruled the TV.

There was "Pyramid," "Wheel of Fortune,".

"Jeopardy!", and "The Newlywed Game."

But to us kids, none came close to "Double Dare."

It was the world's best game show,

filled with trivia, physical challenges,

and host Marc Summers,

who managed to smile even when his nice suits got messy.

Idiots!

The flag is under the giant pad of butter!

Always look under the butter.

If we ever get on this show,

imagine all the prizes we'd win.

We'd be strutting around in our brand-new British knights,

jammin' out to our Panasonic portable sound system,

as we chow down on a year's supply of Cchef Boyardee.

It's all our dreams wrapped into one.

But the coolest part... It was filmed in Philly,

which meant one thing.

All right. Shut your giggle holes.

I have two announcements.

First, whoever wrote my phone number in the boys' bathroom

will be found.

I called and asked if his refrigerator was running.

It wasn't, so it ended up being sad.

Second, some game show called "Double Dare"

is holding auditions at our school,

and two of you will be picked to be on their show.

Now let's get those bodies TV-ready.

Dude, this is seriously the best day of my life,

and I once got mistaken for Mary Lou Retton.

Dorothy Hamill.

We're actually gonna be on "Double Dare."

You two so have this in the bag.

Bro, you don't have a prayer.

Shut up, Dave Kim. This face was made for TV.

But that voice... youch.

You two can't compete with Handsome Ben.

He was right.

We all had one growing up...

The vicious rival who always won.

Who always beats you out for class president?

Handsome Ben.

And who always gets the lead in the musical?

Handsome Ben.

Who was first in line to see "Temple of Doom"?

Handsome Ben.

You had to sit in the second row,

like a chump.

Fine! You're right! He wins every time.

But this will be different.

Will it?

Look at him.

Hey, A.G. Hey, Dave Kim.

- Hi, Ben. - Hey, buddy.

You're right. He's amazing.

My only real shot is to win over the producers

by picking a partner that'll make me stand out.

Perhaps someone like...

"Cute Dave Kim."

No one calls you that.

I was thinking Pops.

Your grandfather?

Nothing wins people over more than an adorable old man.

Handsome Ben is going down.

Kid won't know what hit him.

It was fall 1980-something,

and Barry and my dad were sitting down

to what they did every Sunday...

- Watch The Eagles... - Go, baby, go, baby, go!

- ... for better or worse. - Fumble?! No!

That's it. Season's over.

- It's the first game year. - They already blew it.

We got to fire the coach

and start thinking about next year.

Whenever they'd watch, my dad would turn on the team,

while my brother was hopelessly positive.

Look, all we need is a turnover, a touchdown,

a 2-point conversion, an onside kick,

and two more touchdowns.

Or 12 safeties.

Turn it off! I can't take it anymore.

And they each handled an Eagles loss in their own special way.

Hey, buddy. Got you a new burger flipper.

I noticed your old spatula was a little worse for wear.

Look at you. Always so damn nice, huh?

Well, I'm sick of it.

Lashing out because The Eagles lost?

And I'm sick of your face.

I'll just leave this and go.

I will kill you with this spatula,

you thoughtful, thoughtful man!

As for my brother, an Eagles loss meant

several heartbroken days of utter depression.

Hey. Hugh Hefner. Cover your downstairs stuff.

You're in school, not the grotto.

The Eagles lost.

Ohhh.

Take the day.

Make room, everybody! Eagles fan coming through!

Thankfully, a new week meant a new chance

for my dad and bro to help The Eagles win...

Through a series of crazy superstitions.

Let's get this going.

I got on my good-luck jersey and underpants.

Now time for some pregame cabbage patching

to supercharge our good luck.

Even if the superstitions

breached the boundary of common sense.

Do it better! The Eagles need us!

Or any sense at all.

Who wants some double-cheesy nachos?

Stop where you're at!

Mom, you know the rules!

Once you step foot on the den floor, The Eagles will lose.

What happens in this house has no impact on the game.

That is adorable.

I am not bad luck.

Would you just stop with this already?

What happened the first Sunday after we got married,

when you insisted on watching the game with me?

They lost by six stupid touchdowns.

Just come and get your nachos.

Mom, you know the rules.

Once the game starts, we can't move from our spot.

Now truck it over on the animal.

This '80s toy monster truck was their typical lifeline,

mostly due to its retractable claws for stability.

The claws did nothing!

Stay back! Don't clean it up!

There's hot cheese on my rug!

That's its home now!

She jinxed us!

Do your idiot dance!

Pops, I have amazing news!

You're gonna be my partner on "Double Dare"!

That's the best news I've heard all day.

Also, what's "Double Dare"?

Only the country's hottest game show.

You love game shows, right?

You bet.

That vanna white sure can turn a letter.

Ha ha!

Don't say any of that at our audition.

In fact, leave all the talking to me.

You sure you don't want to do this

with one of your little friends?

Nah. She'll understand.

Ow! You punched me in the heart!

You're picking your grandfather over me? Seriously?

You know it's been my dream to go on "Double Dare."

It's selfish of you not to support that.

How am I the weak link?

You got flat feet and a lazy eye.

That "Double Dare" human-hamster wheel will eat you alive.

I had no choice.

This is the only way

I can beat my lifelong rival, Handsome Ben.

Dude, you're not his rival. It's totally one-sided.

Oh, yeah? Watch this.

Hey, Ben.

'Sup, Adam?

Good luck at the "Double Dare" tryouts.

I hope you get it.

Stupid, generous Handsome Ben.

Well, I don't need you.

I'm gonna make it on the show and win,

and I won't save any slime for you!

Is that a new trapper keeper, Adam?

Sweet.

Just got it. Thanks.

I will bury you.

While I was plotting to beat my lifelong rival,

my mom had plotted a way into the den.

What... what is this? What are you doing?

Don't worry. I'm not touching the floor.

I'm just gonna bust some dust and be on my way.

Poop!

- Bevy, please! Come on! - Dear lord, no!

And then something crazy happened.

Oh!

The Eagles intercepted

the moment my mom stepped on the floor.

And as soon as she left...

Come on! Are you kidding?

... The Eagles fumbled.

Dude. Did you see that?

When Mom was in here, The Eagles kicked butt.

The second she left, The Eagles sucked butt.

What are you saying?

Do you think Mom's good luck?

No. It's just a dumb coincidence.

Only one way to find out.

- Kee-ya! - What the hell?!

Shut up. Shut up.

Mom! I think Dad spilled something!

Hey, hey!

It's okay. I've always got a rag.

It's a mom secret.

They sacked Bradshaw.