King Dave

Fuck it, man!

Yo. I get to this party.

Don't know anybody!? Now that's unusual. Seriously!

I got invited by one of my boy's boyz.

But neither my homeboy or my homeboy's boy is here, but it's cool, you know.

It don't bother me.

Got people skills down, man!

I'm like... I'm like the contact king!

Oh yeah, oh yeah! Contact king! Contact king!

Stan talkin'' to people.

Yeah, so, yeah...

Check out the apartment.

Everything's pretty normal.

Pretty boring even,

except... in the living room.

The living room is this black gang's turf.

Guys that look so mean, everyone is bouncing from the living room the second they walk in.

I ask around.

Nobody knows 'em.

Dude says the guy whose crib we're in is fuckin'' scared.

Fights, theft, vandalism. Scared, you know.

But me, I think these guys look fuckin'' massive so... I go up and talk to 'em.

One of them reaches into his pocket for a smoke...

Yo, cigarette?

Who's this guy?

Yeah. Thanks, man.

Then I back off. I let my move do its work...

Yo, you wanna burn a spliff, man?

Yeah, man! In the bag!

Yeah, yeah. Sweet man but I ain't got nothing on me, man, I can't cut in with...

Yo, bro, we look like trailer trash to you, man? Hmm?

We look like fuckin'' bums?

Yo, just playin'', man! Yo, no worries, bro. We're used to the shit, man.

Yo! Fuck it, man.

Not even been 30 seconds and they're callin'' me bro.

I'm fuckin'' massive, man!

I park my scrawny white ass on the floor, and shit happens.

We smoke blunt after blunt.

Passin'' around cones big as baseball bats.

It's real simple: that night, you name it, we smoked it.

So now I'm fuckin' stoned. Couldn't recognize my own mother.

Then one of the niggaz starts talkin'' schemes.

Type of shit you don't wanna hear, and you're better off not knowin''.

So I play the stoned kid mumblin'' the words to the track that's playin''.

That's when the biggest dude gets up in front of me like

"you ain't got no choice but to listen". And he starts telling me that...

We're looking for a guy out to make some cash.

But for that to happen, to make the cash, the guy has to do a job.

Stealing radios. Car radios, Tiburon radios.

So... Here.

We sell the radios to some Arabs.

The Arabs take a chip out of the radios and put them in shitty satellite TV decoders.

Then they sell them at flea markets.

Come, come, come.

Hey, man, you're the perfect guy for the job.

Me? - You.

So like I explain that it just really ain't my shit.

I've never done that. I don't have the... The fuckin'... what's the word...

The fuckin' prerequisites, man!

Yo, man! It's my bro, man. This guy is my bro.

I think that's what I said, but... I'm so high, they're so pushy.

I ended up saying: OK.

After that, I can't remember a fuckin' thing.

But the important pan is that I wake up at home.

Fuckin' ripped, but home.

Then I'm in like, boxer shorts, I get up to get some water

''cuz my mouth is fuckin'' dry, and the phone rings.

10:27, mam?! Who the fuck is it?

Hello, who's this? - Yo, bro!

Yo who the fuck is this?! - Yo chill, chill, man.

Fuck. One of the bras from last night!

How you callin'' me at home, man?

Yo you kidding me?!? - No.

You gave us your phone, cell and page number, man. And we gave you a ride home.

Fuck! Then he tells me I have... - 3 days to do 10 Tiburons.

If it's not done in 3 days, we slice your dick off.

Man. Me saying yes was a joke! I don't need the cash, I'll pay you back.

No no no. Yo, whose weed was you smoking? - Yours. Fuck.

Yep. That's it. - Thanks a lot. I'll pay for it!

No way. You do this job, or we'll machete your ass.

And you told us you were a pro.

I said that'??? - Yeah, man.

Fuck...

Now he's getting fuckin' violent, talking about fuckin' machetes.

I almost left a skid mark in my boxers.

Alright, man, alright. I'll do the fuckin' job.

How much?

Only 200?!? OK, OK, it's all good: 200.

Yes, yes, all good.

Yeah, OK. In 3 days.

Me and my big mouth...

Fuck!

I am fuckin' terrified just thinking what I have to do here, 'cuz I have to do it.

I could go to the cops but what's that gonna do?

They'd tell me not to do anything the niggaz say.

Not to worry, that the niggaz are just fuckin' with me and to call them back if I hear from them again.

But the problem, man, the fuckin' problem,

is if I don't do what they say, the niggaz ain't gonna come begging me to work for them.

But to fuck me up.

A fuckin' beating. That's how it's done. I know the game.

Right, man, I have to take a piss.

You know, there's projects in my hood.

We ain't poor but you know, we live close to the projects, and projects mean gangs.

Sucks but that's what it is.

OK, I need to think.

Just gotta kick my shitty ass.

OK, first, I gotta do it at night.

That means I can't work next 3 nights.

So I phone my job, say I'm sick.

Man I am so fuckin' sick right now, I can't work till like...

Saturday... or something.

Hey this better be a joke, dude, we're already low staffed.

Sorry, no choice: sick.

And if you ain't happy about it, you can shove your fuckin' job up your fuckin' ass!

Good one.

Second, I have no fuckin' tools...

So that night...

I go to my mother's...

Hi.

So, work?

OK.

You like it'?

You used to like it.

So, thinking about going back to school?

Mom... - Because you know, David, school is key.

A diploma opens doors.

She starts in with these fuckin' shitty questions about school and the future.

What do I wanna do with my life 'cuz according to her I can do anything.

She's like a fuckin' broken record!

I'm gonna go to University, I'm not stupid.

Fuck, man, ain't I allowed to live a little!

What are you doing?

It's OK! I'm just going to the garage. Relax!

Like a moron. Don't know what I'm looking for.

I've never stolen a car.

A wire hanger'?!?

Pfff, fuckin'' urban legend, man.

So I grab this metal slat.

A crowbar. Just in case.

Where are you going with that?

None of your fuckin' business, man! - David!

And stop following me!

She is so fuckin' annoying!

I walk.

Look around.

No alarm system.

Nobody.

Fuck with the slat.

Fuck! Jiggle.

Jiggle again.

Ah, fuck ii.

Grab the radio.

Run as fast as I can, shaking all over.

Stop in the park. Jump in the bushes.

Pull out the spliff, pre-rolled ''cuz I thought might need it.

3 days later, 4 of the bra come around my crib, the big one first.

I'm nervous, shaking like a leaf, like when the cops pull me over but I'm clean.

I know there's no reason to shake.

As soon as they walk in, I give them the radios, they give me the $200.

Real simple.

They fuckin' respect me now man.

We really thought you was joking when you was saying you're a pro.

You're not a bum, man. You're a gangsta, a real G!

We'll check you out for other jobs. OK?

Yeah, yeah, alright. We'll see.

So like everybody I know who just made mad cash, I call all my boys up to tell them we're going out.

Implying that I'm buyin''. And I'm going to buy, man!

So I tell them to meet at St-Laurent/Prince-Arthur at 9:30.

Thanks for the ride, man.

I'll call you. - See ya.

Just before going out, my chick drops by the crib.

I really want to fuck, man. Release the pressure of the last three days!

And I haven't seen her for like a week 'cuz of her fuckin' classes.

But she ain't into it, it's that time of the month again, turns her off.

Not here. Too many people. - Ha! Come on!

Fuck, you're hot.

I wanna dance. - No! Not now.

Come. - No. We just got in.

OK, do what you want. - Maybe after a couple of beers.

Fuck, she's hot.

Quarter to one.

I'm fuckin' drunk, man.

Steering away from the Blacks. I could wind up agreeing to do shit I don't wanna do.

Especially now, that I've gained some confidence.

Ah... yeah?

Here.

A MILF just gives me her number, but I'm like totally engaged.

If ever.

Ah... OK... Sorry, ma'am.

So I put in my treasure chest.

Yo, guys. Yes sir!

Round of Shots! Round of Shots!

Nah-no, man. My turn to pay! - Nan, man.

Keep your dirty money. I'm buyin''. You put that on my tab.

You want one? - Sure.

Yeah, man! The barmaid is in love with us!

Then man, one of the niggaz starts kicking it with my girl on the dance floor.

Pisses me off! But I keep my cool, thinking she'll brush him off.

Not happening

I go see her on the dance floor, I pull her off to the side... gently.