Idiotsitter

No, you're doing it from here.

It's up here, okay? It's like, "I'm Jay Baruchel.

"Uh, I don't know how to fly a plane,

but I can train your dragon."

Oh, big news.

I'm assuming both of you ladies know who Trick Malloy is.

Sounds like a bisexual pool player.

Or an Irish magician.

He is a quarterback and the MVP

for the Conquistadors.

Football team I'm part owner of?

Anyway, his contract is almost up,

and he's considering retiring.

Was Trick short for Patrick?

I love last-half-of-the-name nicknames,

like Topher, Xander...

- Or Acob. - Ladies, ladies,

I've invited him here for the weekend

to clear his head.

I convinced him not to leave the team.

Now, he has a press conference on Monday.

Ladies, I need you both

on your best behavior, all right?

And be careful of this one. He's a bit of a charmer.

I'll try, but celebrities, uh,

make me nervous.

I'm an adorable...

I'm an adorable Canadian.

- That's good. -

What's happening right now?

Dueling Jay Baruchel impressions.

You both sound like sick goats.

Both: Perfect.

Ha ha!

Damn it, this is not yare.

Is that like a tiny ship for ants or what?

I got it!

I'll go pose by the fire's place.

Uh-huh.

You look so good, Mr. Russell.

- Yeah. -

All right, that's enough.

Go take your germs away somewhere else.

Trick, you're soaked.

Ladies, I'd like to introduce you to

Trick Malloy.

- Ho... - Ly...

Ship!

Holy !

Trick, my man.

How was the flight?

It was good.

I gave up my first-class seat -o a veteran,

met some pretty solid people back in coach,

and, yeah, you know what they say about plane friends.

"Plane friends stay friends."

- I feel the same way. - Yeah?

I absolutely feel the same way.

That's awesome.

Trick, this is my wife, Tanzy.

"Enchanti."

And, uh, over here is my daughter, Gene.

Hey.

And this is her Billie.

Oh, not in a lesbian way. Although,

I'm not afraid to do that. How's it going?

Sorry about my wet hand skin.

No, I like it wet.

Cool.

Ship in a bottle.

That's exactly how I feel sometimes, you know?

It's just like, all sealed up

behind glass and on display.

It's like the whole world's got stones,

and they're just throwing them.

You know what I'm saying?

Land ho!

Shipwreck.

Sorry.

She's got diarrhea.

Trick, let me, uh,

let me show you to your room, huh?

Yeah, I don't.

- Yes, sir. - It's right up here.

Yeah.

You stepped in ship.

Oh, put it down, put it down, Joy.

Go away, take the rest of the weekend off,

'cause my boy here has got to be ship-shape

for his big press conference tomorrow.

- Trick Malloy. - Kent Russell.

I know you're thinking of doing something else

with your life. I get it, I do.

You're not a one-trick pony, and it's a trick... y decision.

You see what I'm doing here?

I do, I do. You're having fun with my name.

Exactly.

All right, so, what is it

that you want to do with your life

if you're not gonna play football?

To be honest, Ken, everything.

Ooh, I like that.

I don't know. I want it all.

I want to... I want to eat.

I want to eat life.

My vagina's nickname is "life."

Trick, I've climbed Mount Kilimanjaro

and Hillary Rodham Clinton.

I have done it all.

And trust me, you're not gonna find a better gig

than being a Conquistador.

That's just it, I've been a Conquistador for ten years

and I've never even been to Conquistador, you know?

Guess I'm still...

still hungry.

Hmm.

She gets it.

Oops, oh, my God.

I'm so clumsy.

That made me all wet.

We should sex this weekend.

Yeah, Trick, looks like you're almost done.

Why don't you come up to my office, and I will show you

my bronzed cast of Apolo Ohno's hands?

Oh, yes, to Ohno, you know?

Attaboy.

Oh, my gosh, do you hear that?

- What? - The train that's coming?

That sex train. Do you hear it?

Chugga, chugga, chugga, chugga, his dick!

You know what I'm saying?

No, I don't.

I mean we're gonna get it on with sex.

Good for you, that's just not my...

I think of, like, Trick and sex, like "blech."

No, gross.

You sure about that?

Yeah, that's what I said.

I'm just... I'm not into

he blue eyes, and the skin and the symmetry

and the... "I'm very gorgeous."

It's not my... I'm into brains, thoughts,

mental capacities.

Oh, good, 'cause I told him you had diarrhea.

What?

I mean, good.

Thank you.

Is it just me,

or is that guy really cute?

- Oh, oops. - Sorry.

Body bump.

I call that interference, you know?

- Hey, you're a teacher, right? - Yeah.

That's awesome. It's like

you're an agent for change or something.

Oh, yeah,

I never thought of it like that. Excuse me.

Do you ever get scared, you know?

Like scared that your... your students

will just not listen and they'll just

be distracted by your beauty?

Is that a trick question?

Might be 'cause I'm asking it.

Oh, that's really clever.

Um, no, I don't.

No, you don't get scared?

Oh, I get scared of a lot of things.

Really, like what?

Um, I don't know. Um...

Um, not being in control of my own fate?

Mm.

Or horror movies or something...

Yeah, no, I get that fate stuff,

you know what I'm saying, 'cause I'm kinda going through

a little piece of that myself right now.

It kind of reminds me of the lyrics of that song "Changes"

- by that guy, Dah-vad Boweé. - David... David Bowie?

Hey, what's your email addy? I wanna send you those lyrics.

I think you'll appreciate them as much as I'm really

just appreciating alking to you right now.

Oh, um... um... Billie...

Billie at?

Uh, Billie...

Dot?

Uh, Billie...

Okay, "[email protected]". Sent.

Hmm, that's weird. It sent back.

- Later-ade. - Laters.

Oh, my God, what is wrong with me?

Why would you say that?

Hey, are you talking to me?

Or are you talking to yourself in the hallway?