Ugly Betty

Good morning, everyone!

Somebody didn't get home until 10.30 last night, huh?

Some of the editors wanted to go out,

So I went with them, and I got a tattoo!

- What? - Who is "stu"?

Stu?

It's supposed to say "hot stuff."

I sweat it off. It was hot in the club.

Ay, gracias a dios. Your mother would kill me.

Mija, it's not like you to go out on a work night.

So? Maybe I want to mix it up.

Matt's moving on. He's dating someone new.

I think it's time for me to get back on the market.

Hey, what about that nice guy

- Who does the bookkeeping for Archie? - Larry?

Yeah. I don't know.

When he gets nervous, he does this sniffing thing.

I don't think betty wants a sniffer.

Aunt Betty

Did marc say when the cheerleader

uniforms will be ready?

Yes, he's gonna drop them off on his way to work.

Oh, thank god.

Those hems have not been brought up since 2003.

They might as well just be cheering in burkas.

Who roped you into helping the cheerleaders?

It was marc's idea.

He said if I'm gonna make it through high school,

I have to be friends with the popular/mean girls.

That's his advice?

What does it matter?

The point is, he's having a better time at school.

Okay, so whoever's free this morning,

We need help decorating the gym for homecoming.

What?

Why do I feel like I should be hearing scary music?

Your mother doesn't have the best association with homecoming.

Do you want to know why?

Because the year that I was nominated homecoming queen,

My father told me I could not attend the ceremony.

Mija, I was protecting you.

- You were ashamed of me! - guys!

- Never! - Papi.

Justin, your mom was six months pregnant with you,

So grandpa didn't think it was a good idea for her to go.

Because he was ashamed of me.

I was protecting you!

Lies!

but you know

that you are a blessing in my life, honey, right?

That is true, but eso-- eso is a lie.

We'll come and help.

I could have been queen, Betty.

I could have ruled all of this.

I really think all you got was a bunch of carnations

And a ride on a golf cart.

Yeah, to wave to my subjects

Oh, my god!

Is that Bobby Talercio?

Bobby Talercio was the most dangerous guy

I ever went out with.

One time, this guy called me a whore,

And Bobby slammed his head against the wall

And made him apologize.

I felt like such a princess.

- Hilda? - Hi!

Get out here! no way! oh, my god.

I know, right?

-You look great. - Oh, thank you.

Jeez, don't tell me this is little chipmunk.

This is little chipmunk? Oh, man! it is.

- "little chipmunk." - your face! oh!

look, I'd love to stay and talk,

But I gotta start a lesson.

Oh, you're teaching driver's ed.

Yeah, part-time. You know,

the family's got the car dealership,

- So I volunteer a few of the cars. - Nice.

Look, I'll, uh,

- I'll see you around, all right? - Okay. See you later.

My god, he has still got it.

I used to have such a crush on him.

- No kidding. - You knew?

Please! if it weren't for you hanging around so much,

Bobby would have been Justin's father.

Remember the summer he worked at Asadero's?

You came by three times a day for freeze-atas.

Yeah, I gained 9 pounds that summer.

But you lost it.

Remember how you guys used to sit on the hood of his car?

I used to always wish that would be me.

- That would have been funny. - Why?

'cause you could never go out with a guy like Bobby.

Why not?

Because you're a good girl,

and he is a very bad boy.

So? You don't know me. Maybe I could.

Oh, please. Bobby smoked.

Okay, here you go-- top and skirt.

For you. Hey, thank you.

See, ava? If the skirt doesn't hit you

In the exact right place,

It could make your leg look chunky.

Oh, my god. You saved my life.

Hey, Justin, where's your skirt, huh?

Shut up, Kevin!

Okay, so let's talk about what just happened.

A lump of boy made fun of you, and you did nothing.

What am I supposed to do? Get ahead of the joke, son.

If he asks where your skirt is,

Say it's at the dry cleaner with your opera cape.

If you show them that you're in on the joke,

Then they'll think they're not getting to you,

And they'll stop making fun of you.

Okay, Miss woman

Are we all happy now?

Is there anything else my friend Justin can do for you?

Uh, not unless he knows any routines.

We need fresh moves for homecoming.

Well, you're in luck.

It just so happens that Justin here

Has the moves of a young, Mexican Beyonc.

I, uh--

And he would be happy to choreograph it for you.

Cool. See you at practice.

Okay.

What did you do?

I mean, I helped out in junior high,

But this is homecoming.

This is like the broadway of school.

Worry not, youngling.

It just so happens,

I was head cheerleader in college,

And I happen to know a move or two.

So this water

Is from the community of the phoenix?

Yeah, it's full of vitamins, and look,

The cups have inspirational sayings on them from Bennett.

"If it's a mess, it's a message."

I think I get it.

You know, the community's really changed my life, Betty.

I just--I feel better

You know, more energy.

Natalie's got me on this great diet.

It's raw food, phoenix water and that's it.

You don't think you need more than that?

You want half my muffin?

Muffin... Or poison?

Come on.

Um, I thought that was a muffin.

You know, cleansing is so important.

Once you get rid of all those toxins,

It's just amazing the clarity you have.

It's also amazing how much you have to pee. Excuse me.

Should I be worried about my son?

I'd ask him myself,

But we're not really in that place right now.

Well, he is acting a little loopy,

But if this community

Is helping him deal with Molly's death,

Then I'm trying to keep an open mind about it.

I do like his new necklace.

Ah, just the girl I wanted to see.

I was talking to Betty, Mrs. Meade.

You're not a girl.

I would never call you a girl.

Well, I'm glad that's cleared up.

Now I won't spend the afternoon texting

and worrying about boys.

- I should talk less. - Matt?

Oh, um, your assignment for the "fearless" issue.

Oh, thank you.

Wait

Matt, horoscopes and cosmetic of the month?

I'm not getting a features article?

Look, I really wanted to give you one,

But once the senior editors picked what they wanted,

All that was left was a P.O.V. Piece--

You know, an editor's personal story of fearlessness.

I just thought that Megan would be better for that.

Can you sign this?

W-why?

I'm--i'm just as fearless as Megan.

What, are--are you smiling? Why are you smiling?

-No, I'm not. -Thank you.

Okay, I am

But it's just, look,

Don't get mad, but when I think of you,

I think of someone

Who's a little, I don't know, cautious.

Maybe you're thinking of the old Betty,

'cause the new Betty is fearless.

Uh, look, no bangs!

Okay, look, nothing is set in stone.

Give me some pitches. I'd love to hear them.

Okay.

But something a little bit more dangerous

Than turning in a story without proofreading it.

I would never do that.

I do not appreciate blackmail calls