Big School

Morning, Sarah!

First day back.

Can I offer you a lift?

-No, thanks, Keith, it's quite near.

-Still, be quicker in the car. Hop in.

Pop your seat belt on.

And here we are.

Thank you for the lift.

Sarah, I just wanted to say,

it's a shame our dinner over the holidays didn't work out.

-It's not nice for a woman to be stood up.

I didn't stand you up.

Who could've known the town had two Bella Italias?

I did give you the address.

-Yes, but I saw a Bella Italia in the town square

and presumed you'd got the address wrong.

I didn't get it wrong.

-Well, you could've got it wrong.

-But I didn't get it wrong. You got it wrong.

-So, did you enjoy your meal? -Of course I didn't!

I wasn't going to sit there on my own all night!

-Yes, I just had the bread and dips while I was waiting.

Then I had the spaghetti carbonara

followed by the tiramisu.

After the cheese selection, I assumed you weren't coming,

so I just had a coffee and some of those little almond biscuits.

-Sounds like you had a very nice evening.

-Yes, and it was very reasonably priced.

We should go again.

-Same restaurant or separate ones?

Same one this time.

We'll see.

-Well done, all. See you in September!

-Notice anything different about me today, babes?

Are you wearing deodorant?

No, it's my natural musk.

Here, look.

Tie, shirt.

Oh, what's this?!

Oh, yes, you're reading a book.

Yeah, and why's that?

'Cause I'm going up in the world, babes.

I'm not just the PE teacher anymore.

No, no, from today, I'm also teaching joe-graphy.

-Geography. -Here, look.

Who knew clouds were full of rain?

Oosh!

Oh!

Excuse me, Jo.

So, what happened to Gareth?

-Haven't you heard? Barber's gone mental.

You can't say that anymore.

Yes, he had a nervous episode.

Which made him go mental.

-I think the pressure of teaching finally got to him.

And I shouldn't say this,

but they found him crawling round the playing fields

at night, naked from the waist down.

-Thank you, Janine. That is not a pleasant image.

-He had a soil thermometer wedged into his --

-That's enough. Some of us are trying to enjoy a biscuit.

Poor, poor Gareth.

I know we'll all miss seeing his smiley face in here.

Morning.

- Let me speak to him.

I'm sorry?

Let me speak to him.

-I'm sorry? -Let me speak to him.

Oh, right, yeah.

Hello, Gareth.

All right.

How are you?

Fine.

How's your lunacy?

-Shut up, Keith! You're being very insensitive!

-You're such a rude woman. -I said shut up!

Now, Gareth, there's no easy way to put this,

but you're not a teacher here anymore.

I know.

If anyone's making a cup of tea, I'll have one.

-Eight sugars. -Right, let me have a crack.

Oi, fruit loop!

You don't work here anymore!

I do.

I'm the new caretaker.

Oh, good for you!

That's wonderful news, Gareth.

Cheers.

-Polite note, they are teacher biscuits.

Not for maintenance staff.

-So, a very big Greybridge welcome to all the new pupils

who have joined us this year.

-As your headmistress, I offer you one word

of friendly advice -- cross me and I will destroy you.

Miss, um...

Postern, been here a year.

You asked for it, you got it!

-School disco, miss? -Uh-uh-uh.

-Paintballing? -Uh-uh-uh.

-No more French lessons? -

-No. this Friday, I have organized a careers day!

- -So I'll be pulling together

a careers posse, and we will be running workshops

in the morning, and in the afternoon, the big finale,

a special celebrity guest is going to be coming in

and talking to us about their career.

Is it Will Smith?

-No. -Is it Jay-Z?

-No. -Katy Perry?

It's someone quite well-known

but not as well-known as that.

Rihanna?

-Can I just say, lower your expectations.

So, I hope to see you all at 3:00 on Friday.

-Is it Kim Kardashian? -Please stop.

-Is it one of the Kardashians? -No.

-Better not be Justin Bieber. -It's not Justin Bieber.

-My brother's mate reckons they saw

Nicki Minaj in Nando's on Saturday.

Is it Nicki Minaj, miss?

It's not Nicki Minaj, no.

I'm going to just tell you who it is.

It is, drum roll please,

Fenella Forbes.

-Who? -She's an author.

Whitney the Witch? Whitney the Witch Casts a Spell?

Whitney the Witch and the Cat of Aznabar?

We were at college together, and she's very kindly agreed

to come and speak to you guys.

Now, I am going to hand you over to your music teacher,

Mr. Martin, who has some very exciting news

about his own career.

Cheers.

So, over the holidays,

I've recorded my debut single.

And, cheers, yeah.

And it's out today on a little website

you might have heard of called iTune.

It's going to be big.

So, let's face it, probably going to be my last week here.

Keep it together, Luke.

Anyway, the song is called, quite simply "Soar."

That's S-O-A-R, not S-O-R-E.

Or S-A-W.

Bit weird to write a song about a saw.

Or any kind of tool, really.

Okay, let's do this.

Morning.

Is she in?

Is who in?

The headmistress.

Right, yeah.

In where?

In the office.

Probably.

Unless she's just climbed out the window again.

Don't come in.

Morning, headmistress.

Oh, it's you.

Let me finish my tea.

Just doing the bins.

Half a sticky bun in there.

Are you not having it?

No!

It's been there since last term!

It's a bit dry.

Anyway, I just wanted to say, do you mind if I sit?

Yes, I do mind.

-I just wanted to say a big thanks

for giving me a second chance after my interlude.

-Well, sadly, these days one can't sack someone

for going...

No, no.

Else I'd have been out of a job years ago.

I won't lie to you, headmistress,

I've been going through a tough time of it.

I think it all started --

-Would you mind having this conversation outside?

Of course.

It all started when the wife changed the locks.

She sold all my stuff on eBay and forced me to

live in a caravan at the bottom of the garden.

Right, Gunn's in the house!

There's a lot of different classrooms

in this school, ain't there?

Right, joe-graphy.

Rain comes down from the clouds, turns into sea.

Wind blows it back up again, water cycle, boom!

Right, what else do you need to know for your CGCSEs?

-Mr. Barber was going to teach us about the ice age.

Right, the ice age, ice age.

A while back, weren't it?

Nippy.

It's a lot of black ice, that's lethal.