Baywatch

HEY, YOU GUYS ARE CHEATING.

THERE'S TWO OF YOU AND ONE OF ME.

COME ON.

WATCH OUT FOR THAT WAVE.

WE'VE GOT HER, WE'VE GOT HER.

YOU GUYS ARE UNFAIR.

COME ON, COME ON. GO, GO, GO.

WINNERS!

YOU GUYS ARE CHEATERS.

WE'RE WINNERS.

OH, WHAT'S THIS, HUH?

HAVEN'T WORKED OUT IN A WHILE.

-THERE'S NOTHING THERE TO PINCH. LEAVE ME ALONE.

-OH, YEAH, NOTHING A LITTLE LIEUTENANT'S UNIFORM WON'T HIDE.

IF YOU CAN FIND ONE TO FIT YOUR FIRST DAY ON THE JOB.

-HEY, LET'S GO BACK OUT. REMATCH.

LET'S GO.

WAIT A SECOND.

GAYLE'S PICKING HOBIE UP 00.

COME ON, DAD.

-I'M SORRY PAL. YOU KNOW THE NEW SCHEDULE.

HEY, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

NEXT TIME YOU AND I WILL TEAM UP

AND WE'LL SHOW THE OLD MAN WHAT REAL ATHLETES CAN DO.

HEY, JILL, WINNERS.

YEAH.

-CHEATERS. YOU GUYS ARE CHEATERS.

-HEY, MITCH, SAY GOODBYE TO YOU SKI.

GOODBYE TO MY SKI.

HAVE FUN GUYS. HERE, TAKE THIS.

CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING?

SURE, GO AHEAD.

-WELL, IF YOU'RE JUST FRIENDS WITH A GIRL,

IS IT ALL RIGHT TO RUB SUNTAN OIL ON HER BACK?

YEAH.

WHY DO YOU ASK?

-'CAUSE LAST SUNDAY EVERYONE WAS HANGING OUT BY TOWER 25...

UH-HUH.

-AND ALL OF A SUDDEN CHELSEA CARROL LOOKS OVER AT ME,

AND HER VOICE GETS ALL BREATHY AND SHE SAYS,

"HOBIE, WOULD YOU PLEASE RUB SOME OIL ON MY BACK."

OH, WHAT DID YOU DO?

-I TOLD HER I COULDN'T GET MY HANDS GREASY

BECAUSE I HAD A SURF SKI LATER.

WHY DID YOU DO THAT?

-I DON'T KNOW, I GUESS I WAS TOO EMBARRASSED.

-YOU? HOBIE THE MAGNIFICENT, EMBARRASSED?

GIVE ME A BREAK.

-WHAT SHOULD I DO IF SHE ASKS ME AGAIN?

-LET'S SEE, YOU'RE THIRTEEN, RIGHT?

TRY IT, SEE WHAT YOU THINK.

COME ON WE'RE OUT OF HERE.

UH, DAD, WHAT ABOUT HER FRONT?

WHAT ABOUT HER FRONT?

WELL, SHOULD I RUB OIL

ON HER STOMACH OR HER LEGS OR SOMETHING?

-I THINK THAT SHE CAN REACH ALL THOSE PARTS BY HERSELF.

HONEY, DID I WAKE YOU?

HUH?

I JUST HEARD THE BEACH REPORT,

THERE'S GOING TO BE A MILLION PEOPLE TODAY

AND THE SURF IS GOING TO BE POUNDING.

I REALLY HAVE TO WORK A TOWER TODAY.

I THOUGHT YOU HAD TO GO INTO YOUR OFFICE

TO PREPARE FOR TRIAL ON MONDAY.

-OH, YOU OUGHT TO SEE THE BEACH THIS MORNING, GINA.

IT'S SPECTACULAR.

OH, CRAIG, WIFELY ADVICE.

GET IN THE LEFT LANE,

GET OFF THE FREEWAY, BE A LAWYER TODAY.

-OH, HELL, I CAN'T GO TO THE OFFICE TODAY, GINA.

IF ANYONE NEEDS ME, I'M AT TOWER 26.

-WHAT STATE OR SIGNS DO YOU LOOK FOR IN THE WATER?

OKAY, LOW STROKES, UH,

ELBOWS DRAGGING AND HAIR IN THE EYES.

UH, SWIMMING THE WRONG WAY IN A RIP CURRENT

AND CLIMBING THE LADDER.

CLIMBING THE WHAT?

CLIMBING THE LADDER.

-OKAY, YOU KNOW, WHEN A VICTIM'S DROWNING,

IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S PULLING UP, CLIMBING A LADDER.

OH, HALLE, SLOW DOWN.

DO YOU KNOW HIM?

-HIS NAME'S EDDIE SOMETHING OR OTHER,

WE WENT TO ROOKIE SCHOOL TOGETHER.

PULL UP NEXT TO HIM.

HI.

REMEMBER ME? I'M SHAUNI FROM ROOKIE SCHOOL.

I KNOW.

-SO WHICH HEADQUARTERS DID YOU GET?

BAYWATCH.

YOU DID? SO DID I.

I WAS SO SCARED THAT THEY WERE GOING TO PUT ME

NEXT TO THE AIRPORT WITH THOSE NOISY JETS GOING OVER ALL DAY.

I MEAN, I KNOW YOU CAME IN NUMBER ONE

SO YOU GOT TO PICK BAYWATCH, BUT I CAME IN 46TH.

I DON'T KNOW HOW I GOT IT.

SO WOULDN'T IT BE BITCHING

IF WE GOT TO WORK TOWERS NEXT TO EACH OTHER TODAY?

-THEY, UH, THEY PUT THE ROOKIES NEXT TO THE VETERANS.

I'LL SEE YOU THERE.

WHAT'S HIS STORY?

HE'S NOT FROM AROUND HERE.

HEY, IT'S PERRY MASON.

HEY.

-AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE TODAY?

-I GO TOO LONG WITHOUT SAND BETWEEN MY TOES,

MY LIFE GETS SANE AND MAKES ME CRAZY.

MIKE, NO SPITTING. SECOND OFFENSE, MISDEMEANOR.

-BUT I DON'T GET WHY I CAN'T KEEP LIVING WITH YOU

FOR A WEEK AND MOM FOR A WEEK THE WAY IT'S BEEN.

-YOUR MOM THINKS LIVING WITH ME CLOSE TO THE BEACH

IS TOO DISTRACTING WHILE YOU'RE IN SUMMER SCHOOL.

WELL, SHE'S WRONG.

-HOBIE, YOU BLEW YOUR REPORT CARD, PAL.

I KNOW, I'M SORRY.

GRAB MY BOARD, WILL YOU?

YEAH.

-YOU USED TO SKIP SCHOOL TO GO SURFING.

IT DIDN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN YOUR LIFE.

YEAH, IT DID.

-I JUST MISS YOU SO MUCH WHEN I'M AT MOM'S.

-YEAH, WELL, I'M GOING TO MISS YOU TOO, PAL.

LOOK, IT'S ONLY FOR SUMMER SCHOOL.

IT'S SIX WEEKS, OKAY?

THEN WE'LL GO BACK TO THE REGULAR SCHEDULE.

-I'M GOING TO MISS JUNIOR LIFEGUARDS.

ALL MY FRIENDS WILL BE AHEAD OF ME.

I TELL YOU WHAT,

YOU DO WELL THE FIRST FEW WEEKS IN SUMMER SCHOOL,

AND I'LL TALK TO YOUR MOM AND SEE WHAT WE CAN WORK OUT.

THE FIRST WEEK?

NO, TWO, AT LEAST TWO.

SHE'S HERE.

THAT ORIENTATION TODAY IS GOING TO BE SO BORING.

-YEAH, WELL, IT'S A FRESH START FOR BOTH OF US, HUH?

GOOD LUCK TODAY, LIEUTENANT.

THANKS, PAL.

AND DON'T WORRY, THE BEACH ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE.

COME HERE.

YOU BE GOOD, HUH?

I LOVE YOU, DAD.

I LOVE YOU.

-HEY, AL, WE'RE GOING TO BE PULLING THEM OUT

LIKE TUNA TODAY.

CRAIG, MY BOY.

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU DOWN HERE SINCE FOREVER.

-YEAH, IT'S BEEN A MONTH, IT FEELS LIKE FOREVER.

HOP IN, I'LL GIVE YOU A LIFT BACK TO HEADQUARTERS.

-CAN'T DO IT, GOT TO KEEP THE BLOOD PUMPING.

OH, AL, I GOT THAT BRIEF DONE.

I FOUND A LOOPHOLE ON THE MANDATORY RETIREMENT AGE.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO HAVE TO RETIRE

FOR ANOTHER 40 YEARS.

-GREAT, I APPRECIATE THAT, CRAIG.

SEE YOU BACK AT THE HIVE.

OKAY.

MORNING, AL.

OH.

I FEEL LIKE I'M STICKING MY HEAD

THROUGH ONE OF THOSE CUT-OUT PHOTO THINGS ON THE PIER.

-YEAH, BUT YOU LOOK AWESOME. I REALLY LIKE THE CRAB STOMPERS.

-I HATE HARD SHOES. I CAN'T EVEN STAND SOCKS.

AL, WHAT HAVE I DONE?

-TEN-ONE, YOU'RE BREAKING UP ON ME, CRAIG, SAY AGAIN.

-TEN-ONE, I STILL CAN'T READ YOU, 208.

WHERE ARE YOU, CRAIG?

TEN-THREE, UNDER THE PIER.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO ROLL DOWN YOUR WINDOW

SO THE GLASS DOESN'T SHATTER.

THANKS, DICK.