Pontypool

Mrs. French's cat is missing.

The signs are posted all over town.

"Have you seen Honey?"

We've all seen the posters,

but nobody has seen Honey the cat,

nobody, until last Thursday morning,

when Miss Collette Piscine swerved her car

to miss Honey the cat as she drove across a bridge.

Well, this bridge, now slightly damaged,

is a bit of a local treasure

and even has its own fancy name,

Pont de Flaque.

Now, Colette-

that sounds like "culotte."

That's "panty" in French.

And "Piscine" means "pool."

Panty pool.

"Flaque" also means "pool" in French,

so Colette Piscine, in French, Panty Pool,

drives over the Pont de Flaque,

the Pont de Pool, if you will,

to avoid hitting Mrs. French's cat

that has been missing in Pontypool.

Pont de Pool. Pontypool.

Panty pool.

Pont de Flaque.

What does it mean?

Well, Norman Mailer, he had an interesting theory

that he used to explain the strange coincidences

in the aftermath of the JFK assassination.

In the wake of huge events, after them and before them,

physical details, they spasm for a moment.

They sort of unlock.

And when they come back into focus,

they suddenly coincide in a weird way.

Street names and birthdates and middle names,

all kind of superfluous things appear related to each other.

It's a ripple effect.

So what does it mean?

Well, it means something's going to happen,

something big.

But then, something's always about to happen.

Ronald Klein went peaceful in his 73rd year

at the Campbellford Hospital.

He left his loving wife of 51 years and three children-

No, no, I think it's got to be you.

You got to be the worst fucking agent in the world.

Come on.

It's not enough to say I'm working.

It's not enough.

Do you understand?

Well, if you think it's enough,

then maybe we're not thinking the same way.

You know what I mean?

Peter Hopper went peacefully in his own home.

He leaves Edna, his loving wife of 51 years-

You know-you know what- you know what, Rick?

You know what?

You're fired.

After a long struggle with illness.

Good.

Now we're both in the same boat.

In her 84th year.

She is survived by 11 children

and 57 grandchildren.

Oh, Jesus.

Brought to you by Kawartha Lake Monuments.

Memories are forever,

and so are Kawartha Lake's Grand Monuments.

Cast your memories in stone with Kawartha Lake Monuments.

What?

Who are you?

Who are you? Who are you?

Who are you?

CLSY Beacon Radio,

your beacon on the region.

You're listening to "Mazzy in the Morning,"

with your host Grant Mazzy.

Morning, folks.

Mazzy here as he should be.

And here's hoping the road will rise to meet us all today.

I got a couple things to take care of first here,

a little housekeeping.

The staff and all the kids at the Tiny People's Little People Daycare

want to get a couple of birthdays on the air.

Charlie Yupgo is turning six today,

and...

Griffin and Camille Jones turn 6 and 4.

I guess that's a brother and a sister

with the same birthday or not.

Hey, we want to say happy birthday,

Charlie, Griffin, and Camille, however you may be related.

There, now-

Okay, Mazzy, come on, boy, please.

Be positive.

Morning, Mr. Mazzy.

Good morning, Laurel-Ann.

Loved your "Isn't it Ironic" this morning.

Love Norman Mailer.

Thanks.

You know, it takes a girl with big feet

to dig old Norm.

So did you get me the good stuff?

Let's make radio.

And, Laurel-Ann, do me a favor.

Look up all the information you can on 911 calls,

how many in a 24-hour period, how many hang-ups,

that sort of thing, okay?

And thanks.

Let's make radio.

You can play your June game today.

So swing those February blahs away

and go green today at Green Balls Driving Range.

C-I-S-Y.

My beacon radio.

C-I-S-Y.

CLSY, Beacon Radio,

your beacon on the region.

You're listening to "Mazzy in the Morning"

with your host Grant Mazzy.

Good morning, Pontypool.

This is Radio 660, The Beacon,

down here in the dungeon

under the street they call Drum.

I'll be banging the drum for you all morning.

I'm Grant Mazzy,

and as always, I'll be taking no prisoners.

Now-

I got my coffee here.

And take a look outside.

I'd say that's our top story for today, folks.

Now, I had a strange experience

on my way into work this morning,

and I'd like to get some advice from you people later on.

When do you call 911?

Think about it.

I should mention, our producer,

the lovely and talented Miss Sydney Briar is here.

And lucky Laurel-Ann Drummond,

she'll be our technical cowgirl today.

Now, I didn't know this.

Maybe you did.

But this is news to me.

Laurel-Ann did a tour of duty in Afghanistan not too, too long ago.

Well, you're right there, new guy.

Everybody does know.

She was the grand master of last year's fall fair.

Yesterday's news.

Oh, sorry, Laurel-Ann.

I wasn't the grand master.

I was the homecoming hero.

Okay, I am sorry.

Okay, I am very bad.

Sydney, Sydney, Sydney.

Come on, girl.

- I'm sorry. - It's okay.

Oh, you just heard an on-air apology from Sydney Briar.

She probably owes Laurel-Ann quite a few more.

Stay tuned.

Now, in our top story today,

a big, cold, dull, dark, white, empty,

never-ending, blow-my-brains-out,

seasonal-affective-disorder, freaking-kill-me-now,

weather front that'll last all day.

Well, maybe when the wind shifts later on,

we'll get a little greenhouse gas relief

from the industrial South.

Hail Mary, yea, though I walk,

we go to Ken Loney in the Sunshine Chopper.

It's always brighter above the clouds, Grant.

Hey, Ken, how you doing?

How are things in that bird up there?

You gonna stay in that bird up there during the storm?

Yes, sir.

Yes, siree.

Well, that can't be safe.

Is that safe, Ken?

Well, I'll be up here, Grant, on storm watch,

watching all the routes in and around our region.

Really?

Really, yep.

Okay, Ken.

Boy, I wouldn't want to be a bird if this storm hits

the way it's supposed to.

Don't call me girl, by the way, Grant.

And leave Ken alone.

Go slow, folks. We do have a tractor-

I think he's just concerned.

Carrying wind generator blades along the 401.

So slow going eastbound.

That's it from the Sunshine Chopper.

Remember, drink Zap Fruit.

Gets you up. Keeps you going.

Thank you, Ken Loney.

Breaking news out of Caesarea this morning.

Come on, boy. There we go.

Breaking news.

The Ontario Provincial Police are reporting a major bust

of a significant grow operation

in a quiet cul-de-sac in that town.