Attack of the 50 Foot Woman

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

This is KRKR-TV. And now for the latest news.

Early tonight the captain of a Swedish icebreaker in the Barents Sea...

...reported seeing a strange red fireball come out of the sky.

Says the captain:

"It hovered above my ship for about a minute...

...and then headed south by southwest. " Unquote.

Radio Cairo reports a herd of camels stampeded by a comet-like object...

...streaking southwest across the Sahara.

And in Cape Town, Africa, a Boer, no doubt...

...reports a similar flash across the sky.

And still one more, ladies and gentlemen.

A farmer in Auckland, New Zealand reported the strange glowing object...

...this time moving northeast.

Now, let's see.

Barents Sea.

Cairo.

Auckland.

Considering the time table of these reports...

...the stranger from space should be over our California desert in a matter of minutes.

No, no!

Harry! Harry help me!

Harry, help me!

Harry...

Harry, what will your wife say?

She'll say plenty, tonight anyhow.

Did you see the way she tore out of here in that big car of hers?

She only caught us nodding to each other.

She'll make up for all the things she hasn't caught us doing.

I'm so fed up.

I never should have agreed to go back to her once we were separated.

- Why did you? - You know why.

I couldn't pry one nickel out of her.

That community-property routine only works for women.

A man hasn't got a chance.

Unless the wife dies.

I didn't say anything.

You were thinking it.

Not the same thing.

Didn't you say she was in the nut house for a while?

A private sanitarium.

What's the difference? She was off her rocker, wasn't she?

I suppose so. Probably got some fancy name for it.

Mostly she'd have these violent headaches.

And then she'd get falling-down drunk.

Still has them to this day.

What are you getting at?

Oh, come on, now, Harry. Let's not be naive.

You've made a good start, now follow through.

- She's on the brink and you know it. - I don't know it.

This Dr. Cushing seems to be helping her a lot.

She's tapering off on the bottle too.

Hardly took a drink all evening, you saw her.

All she needs is a little help.

Play the husband right to the end.

Once she's in the booby hatch, throw the key away.

That will put you in the driver's seat.

You'd make a wild driver, Harry.

With 50 million bucks.

Harry!

Harry!

Harry, help me!

Mrs. Archer. Mrs. Archer, what's the matter?

Here, somebody give me a hand. We'll take her into the office.

Hey, chief!

Chief.

- Mrs. Archer. - Harry.

Go on, folks, go on.

Go on, nothing you can do around here.

Go find Harry while I take care of Mrs. Archer.

- All right, let's break it up. - Now, come on, Mrs. Archer.

Come on and sit down in the car.

I'll send somebody for some black coffee.

Black coffee? You think I'm drunk, don't you?

- All of you! I'm not drunk, I'm not! - Now, Mrs. Archer.

- You've got to believe me. - Please...

It was right in the middle of the highway, 30 feet tall.

- It lit up the sky. - I know that.

You don't believe me, do you? Any of you.

I'll believe you, Mrs. Archer.

I'll believe you, just be calm.

Now, come on and sit down in the car.

Come on, take it easy and tell me all about it, slowly.

Hey, Mr. Archer.

Mr. Archer.

What is it, Charlie?

Oh, all right, I get the message.

She's over at the sheriff's office. She's in kind of bad shape.

She's pretty hysterical.

You couldn't find me tonight, Charlie. I took a cab home.

Sure, sure, I get it, Mr. Archer.

Thanks a lot.

So... So she's tapering off, eh?

Hardly took a drink all evening.

Must have been a bottle in the car, I don't know.

- Did you find Mr. Archer? - He took a cab home, chief.

Charlie, go get the riot gun.

We're taking a ride in the desert with Mrs. Archer.

Right.

Why the heavy artillery, chief?

There's a flying satellite...

...and a 30-foot giant a few miles out on 66.

A 30-foot giant?

Oh, no.

Hey, look. There it is.

Mrs. Archer's car, I mean, chief.

Where did you see it, Mrs. Archer?

You can think what you like.

It was right there in the middle of the road.

Yes, ma'am. Come on, Charlie, let's look around.

What's up? She off her rocker or something?

Don't look back, but as long as she's paying most of the taxes around here...

...we play along with her.

Let's spread out here.

You see anything, chief?

Come on.

Not a thing, Mrs. Archer. No prints of any kind either.

Why would there be? I told you everything happened on the roadway.

I was standing right here.

It seemed to be reaching for my diamond.

That's another thing I've been wanting to tell you, Mrs. Archer.

That diamond you're wearing would tempt the devil himself.

There are a lot of drifters in the desert...

...who'd commit murder for a well-cut piece of glass.

In other words, you're suggesting what I saw tonight was some desert tramp.

You're saying that, ma'am.

I'm only suggesting that you be more careful with that diamond.

I didn't run all the way to town just for a lecture, sheriff.

We'll be glad to escort you home, Mrs. Archer.

No, thanks.

Boy, she's tearing out of here like she was heading for the moon.

Poor, mixed-up Mrs. Archer. I feel kind of sorry for her.

Well, I feel a lot sorrier for her husband...

...if she catches him with that Honey Parker he's got stashed at the hotel.

- What a doll. - Yeah.

Well, come on, Charlie. It's past midnight.

Town can't afford to be paying us overtime.

Good evening, Mrs. Archer.

Is there anything I can do for you, Mrs. Archer?

Yeah.

Beat it out of here.

Don't talk to Jess like that.

Maybe you should marry Jess and hire me for the butler.

Hey. I said out.

You can go, Jess.

Yes, ma'am.

And as far as I'm concerned, you can go too.

Go back to Tony's and that woman you were mooning about.

Knock it off, will you?

Now, you pulled a boner tonight, and you know it.

Why, leaving me stranded at Tony's without a ride.

I wasn't in the mood for an argument in front of all those people.

I didn't feel like sitting there and watching you flirt...

...with that red-headed wench you call Honey.

For heaven's sake, Nancy.

Why, I hardly nodded to the girl.

Now, you listen to me, Harry.

I won't stand for any more of your two-timing.

You keep away from that girl in that hotel, you hear?

Your backdoor romancing split us up once already.

The next time there won't be any reconciliation.

You know, you're gonna flip your lid just one time too many with me, Nancy.

And you're gonna make one too many passes at some other woman.

My husband.

My gigolo, that's what you are.

You're a miserable parasite. You're just after my money.

I was rid of you once.

Why did I take you back?

Why, why?

Why did you, Nancy?

Why?

Because I love you, Harry.

Why am I always fighting with you when I love you so?

I'm sorry.

But if you'd only show me once that you really cared...

...I'd do anything.

What's wrong with us, Harry?

I don't know.

Maybe it's me. Maybe I'm...

Harry, I've got to tell you something.

Only please don't make fun of me.

First, listen to the whole story.

Tonight while I was driving home...

You're going to think I'm crazy.

No, no. Go on, Nancy.

Harry, I saw a satellite tonight.

Oh, is that all?

You know, everyone's seeing satellites these days.

Not like this.

It came out of the sky and landed in the middle of the highway.

Harry, I almost hit it.

And a man, a giant of a man came out of it.

I could feel his hands at my throat.

I think he was after my diamond.

Well, I see you still have the diamond.

I ran in the desert, that's why I'm such a mess.

I told the sheriff and he didn't believe me. I saw the look on his face.

He thought I was drinking. Harry, you know I wasn't drinking tonight.

Oh, please, Harry. You believe me, don't you?

Of course I do, sweetheart. Now, you've had a terrible night.