Joe Rogan: Strange Times

What the fuck, Boston?

Goddamn!

Thank you.

It's good to be here. Good to be back.

Fuck!

I love it.

Goddamn it!

Good to see happy people...

having a good time.

It's a tense world we're living in today.

You got a president that's threatening to fight an ex-vice president.

You pay attention to that shit?

It's a couple weeks ago on Twitter.

Donald Trump said that if he fought Joe Biden,

Joe Biden would go down fast and hard.

I want to get in his ear. I'll be like, "Let's make this happen, bro."

There's money on the table.

I'll commentate for free.

No rules, grow your nails out, wear a diaper.

No clothes. To the death.

Fuck it.

Let's bring this thing totally down.

Seems like every day you turn on the news, more and more crazy shit.

When are we going to realize we shouldn't have a fucking president?

It's a ridiculous idea to have a popularity contest

to see who controls everything.

Because if you could go back in time

and grab Thomas Jefferson and bring him to 2018...

his first question would be...

"You guys didn't write any new shit?

Dude, I wrote that with a feather.

I did it by fire!

That's the only way I could see what I was writing!

You lazy fucks!

You guys have phones in your pockets and spaceships!

'But the wisdom of the scroll shall not be adjusted.'

What the fuck does that even mean?

Who told you that, bro?"

We always like to say, "The long, great history of the United States."

Listen, that's not real.

The United States was founded in 1776.

People live to be a hundred.

That's three people ago.

You're like, "Is he right?"

Yeah!

The Fear Factor guy just hit you with a fucking math quiz!

Three people ago!

Listen to me, you're not going to get this from teachers.

We used to be monkeys, and we found mushrooms,

and now we're different. And it's real, real recent.

No one knows what's going on.

Three people ago, slave owners made boats out of trees,

and used the power of the wind to drift across the ocean.

They didn't have a YouTube video to watch first.

They didn't talk to a travel agent.

You know what they had? A drawing.

Some guy went there and drew it.

Like, "Are you sure that's what you saw?"

"That's what I saw! You callin' me a liar?"

And they had a gunfight in the dirt streets.

They were fucking savages just three people ago.

They took their baby and jumped on a boat

and floated across the fucking ocean with their kids.

Animals.

That's us.

It just happened.

Real recent!

"I just never saw Trump coming."

Well, you don't pay attention to trends.

We have a very clear trend in this country.

We try one person as president,

and the next person has to be completely opposite.

'Cause no one can do the job correctly.

So we let someone try it and we're like, "He fucked it up."

We go with this guy who's totally different,

who's got our interests in mind.

And we always do the same thing.

We go right, left, dumb, smart. We give everybody a chance.

We go Clinton, Bush.

Then we go Bush, Obama.

Obama, Trump.

We just got out of a long-term relationship

with a very boring but sensible person,

and now we're dating a whore.

All right?

She's got fake hair.

She's racist.

She's always lying.

We don't care!

We're not trying to start a family,

we just want to run red lights and fuck.

All right?

For real. We don't know what we're doing.

If this country was a person, we'd be on coke, driving a yellow Corvette,

singing Mötley Crüe songs in front of our ex's house.

We're going crazy!

"Well, it would have been so much better if Hillary won."

"We got so close!"

"We almost had a woman!"

Girls, relax.

I think a woman can be president.

But let's not use a lying old lady who faints a lot.

I think you can do better.

It's not that I don't think a woman can be president.

I'm fucking sure a woman can fuck it up just as bad as the men that fucked it up.

No one's going to do it right.

But if Hillary Clinton was my own mom, I'd be like, "Mom!

You can't be president.

You can't stand up fast."

"I'll show you!

One ring to rule them all..."

"You're sexist! I see, you're sexist!

As well as short.

You're fucking sexist!"

Defuse my point of view.

I am sexist.

But I'm sexist against men.

I decided during this whole Harvey Weinstein thing.

This is why.

That's when I realized I was...

I had some suspicions...

that I might be sexist before that.

That's when I really decided.

'Cause what Harvey Weinstein did, it was fucking terrible.

Can you imagine being an actress?

You gotta fuck that guy in order to make it. Like.

What a horrible choice. Like, what a terrible position to be in!

"This is the only way?" That sucks. That's fucking... That's criminal.

I think that guy's a piece of shit. I think he should be punished.

But!

If he had done the exact same thing to men,

I wouldn't give a fuck.

I wouldn't even be slightly upset.

If I was reading the morning paper and I read a story

about a bunch of dudes who let Harvey Weinstein fuck 'em...

so they could be in superhero movies...

I'd read that, I'd go, "Ha-ha!"

What else?

What else is happening?

- I wouldn't be clamoring for justice. - Woo!

If Harvey Weinstein was a woman who looked like Harvey Weinstein...

and she did the exact same shit to men, my only question would be, "Hey!

How bad you want to be Batman?

How long is it going to take, bro?

You could wait tables in this town for 20 years and never catch a break.

Or you give the nice lady what she wants.

Jude Law is in the waiting room and he's wearing a lobster bib.

You tell me...

if you want to be a winner.

They don't fucking give Ferraris away, son!

They make 'em by hand."

If Harvey Weinstein propositioned my daughter

and offered her a movie role in exchange for sex,

I, like every other parent in this room, would want to fuck him up.

But if Harvina Weinstein...

came to my son with a solid contract...

I'd be like, "Dude, you're gonna be Batman.

Yes, you are.

Hey, no crying! Batman doesn't cry! Come on!"

"Your own son? Really?"

Jaaaaa.

What's the worst thing that can happen?

It'd be a harder job.

It'd be hard to please Harvina.

Right?

Rich old lady, it's probably real hard to make 'em come.

You gotta make eye contact, you gotta lock in with them.

They got to know you're involved in this project.

Right? Rich old ladies are probably super skeptical.

Look. Always, always maintain eye contact.

That wouldn't be the hard part.

The hard part is, when you go down on Harvina,

she likes to rest her fat gut on your forehead.

And the sweat! The sweat gets in your eyes!

And it stings like sunscreen!

But you gotta keep 'em open 'cause you want a Ferrari! Aah! Aah!

Nobody cares.

Nobody cares about boys that have to eat pussy. No one cares.

We're all sexist against men.

No one cares. No one feels bad.

"How'd you get that car?" "Man, I had to eat pussy for it."

"You gonna be okay?"

Feel bad for you.

Look, I get it. Men are gross, ladies. I'm on your side.

My favorite example of the difference

between the way men and women are treated was always old school Fox News.

I used to watch it without the sound on,

so it's almost like watching a wildlife program,

just watch them move around.

I was watching it once and Megyn Kelly was on,

and she was on with Bill O'Reilly. They were right next to each other,

so I assumed they were in the same climate.

But Bill O'Reilly was dressed like there was a chill in the air.

He had a jacket on, a shirt, a tie, and pants.

And Megyn Kelly was wearing

what would best be described as a vagina curtain.

Not a good curtain either.

Not like one of those Vegas curtains that lets you sleep in late. No, no, no.

No, this curtain is like that curtain that sits over Grandma's kitchen sink.

You know that one?