Two and a Half Men

* Men.

I said, "No!"

And I said, "Why not?"

No! Why not?

I don't have to give you a reason. Dad, I got my learner's permit

but Mom won't let me drive her car.

Just because they give 15-year-olds learner's permits,

doesn't mean they're ready to drive.

Oh, please, I've been driving for years.

Grand Theft Auto One, Grand Theft Auto Two.

And I never ran over anybody but pimps and crack whores.

Jake.

Sorry. Crack prostitutes.

Go get started on your homework.

Afterward, will you take me driving?

We'll talk about it later.

When? Just go to your room.

I'm available now.

Go!

Man, if I knew how to hot-wire a real car,

I'd so be outta here.

Well, thanks for bringing him by, I guess.

Yeah. Uh, if you need to reach me,

Herb and I are going to Laguna Beach for a weekend getaway.

Oh, how nice. Taking the baby?

Are you insane? I said "getaway."

Herb's lucky I'm taking him.

I see.

So, uh, so, who's watching little Millie?

My mother.

Ooh. Are we sure that's a good idea?

Okay, first of all, there is no "we" here.

And what are you implying?

I'm implying that there might be better choices for a babysitter

than a woman who has a sandwich named after her

at the Betty Ford Clinic.

She's three years clean and sober,

all the charges were dropped and she's great with Millie.

All right. All right.

I hope you don't mind, but I gave her your number

in case there's an emergency.

I don't mind.

So, uh, how is the baby, anyway?

Fine.

Good, good.

Jake showed me some pictures.

I gotta say, she doesn't look much like you,

and she certainly doesn't look like Herb.

Don't go there, Alan.

Go where? I'm not implying

that someone other than Herb could be the father.

Even though that someone did have unprotected sex with you

approximately nine months before the birth of a child

that looks suspiciously like that someone.

You get that I'm talking about me, right?

Honey, if we want to beat the traffic,

we really should get going. Oh, hey, Alan.

Hey, Herb. Did you hear?

Judith and I are spending a romantic weekend in Laguna.

I said "weekend," Herb. That's all.

Okay, fine, no romance.

But sex is still on the table, right?

Just get in the car.

Oh, can I drive? No.

Why not?!

Is she gone?

Damn it!

Chelsea, your cat's trying to kill me!

Is he okay?

The cat's fine!

Probably off plotting his next move... Whoa!

Whoa!

Are you okay?

No.

What happened?

Uncle Charlie fell.

Oh.

Can I drive you to the hospital?

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men. Sir Lancelot!

Here, kitty, kitty!

He's probably hiding

because he thinks you're mad at him.

For God's sake, Chelsea,

the cat doesn't think anything except maybe,

"Mmm, fish, I'll eat it."

Or "Ooh, sand, I'll crap in it."

You're wrong.

He's very intelligent and very intuitive.

He knows you resent him living here.

Thank you, Chelsea, but I can defend myself.

I was talking about my cat.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

Mmm, fish. Yum.

Okay, I'm going to work.

Feel better.

Thanks.

How's the shoulder?

The shoulder's fine.

I'm just hopin' to get a little "Oh, poor Charlie" tonight.

"Oh, poor Charlie"?

Yeah. You know,

"Oh, poor Charlie.

"I feel bad about your shoulder, so you just lie still

while I provide you with a series of intense orgasms."

Wow.

I don't know what to say, other than "oink."

Is that a car? Can I drive?

Can I drive? Relax, it's just Chelsea going to work.

Oh.

Uncle Charlie, you need to go anywhere?

Yeah, away from you.

All right. I'll drive you.

You want to drive my $80,000 Mercedes?

Yes, please.

It's good that he's polite.

It's a necessary quality in a doorman.

Was that a "yes" or a "no"?

That was a "no."

So the doorman thing was an insult?

Yes.

Oh.

And a prophecy.

Hello?

No, it's Charlie.

Who's this?

I can't hear you. What?

Alan, it's for you.

Oh.

Hello?

Oh, oh, hi, Lenore.

It's, uh, Judith's mother.

Uh, is that the house alarm?

Uh, is-is the baby okay?

All right, open the little panel by the front door

and enter pound, star and the code.

Pound is the little tic-tac-toe board.

Yeah, like on Hollywood Squares.

She still poppin' the pain pills?

No.

Good. See if she's got any leftovers.

Okay, the code is Jake's birthday.

Your grandson.

Anyway, it's oh-three-one-four--

Oh, no, no, Le-Lenore, don't punch it into the phone.

No, Lenore! Lenore! Lenore!

Okay, okay, okay, calm down, calm down.

I-I'll be right there.

I-I will turn it off for you.

Oh, okay, okay. Bye.

: I gotta go.

You couldn't be more of a sucker

if you were on the end of a stick.

Why?

Because I'll take any excuse

to spend some time with my baby daughter?

You don't know you're the father, Alan.

Oh, come on.

She's got my jawline, my eyes, my ears.

You left out thinning hair and poopy pants.

That was one time

and I begged you to stop at a gas station.

* Men.

Oh, Alan, thank God you're here.

I pushed all the buttons, but I can't get it to stop.

Well, that might be

because you were adjusting the thermostat.

Ah, there we go.

Oh, thank God.

Oh, here, let me see

if I can turn this alarm off.

Come here, Millie.

Come to Papa...

* ...was a rolling stone

* Wherever he laid his hat was his home... *

Always sang this to Jake.

Worked like a charm.

: * And when he died

* All he left us was alone. *

Huh, look at that.

Well, you're a miracle worker, Alan.

Oh, no.

I just have a knack for babies.

And, uh, and animals.

It's only English-speaking adults that don't like me.

Well, I think you're a wonderful fella.

And if you don't mind my saying,

I think Judith was a fool to let you go.

Well, she didn't so much let me go

as drop me from an airplane with an anvil necklace.

Okay, honey, time to get your beauty rest.

I'm afraid that's gonna have to be a long nap.

I mean, I hate to say it about my own granddaughter,

but let's face it-- with those big ears