Like Me

Subtitles by explosiveskull

Good evening.

What can I do for ya?

I want some milk.

You want some milk?

I want some milk.

Okay.

I'll go get you some milk.

What kind of milk do you want?

You want whole milk?

Skim milk, chocolate milk?

What is this?

Is this some kind of weird internet prank video thing?

I take it you don't really want the milk.

Cool mask by the way.

Did your mommy make that for ya?

Look.

Nobody.

You wanna buy something...

Buy something, but if not I'm gonna have

to ask you to leave.

I'm not supposed to have customers in here after 11.

Seriously though, what's with the mask?

What, you don't talk?

I want some milk.

That the only thing you say?

Look, if you're waiting for me to do something stupid

so you can get it on camera,

forget about it, it's not gonna happen.

This is it!

Feast your eyes.

Fuck it.

I'm bored, I'll play along.

What do you want me to do?

What's gonna make the best video?

You want me to bark like a dog,

or do some kind of weird dance?

Act like I got Tourettes?

Fucking shit, fuck pussy face ass

cheek dick fuck!

What about...

Crazy straw man, look at all the straws, straws, straws!

You're welcome.

Show's over.

I think I've been more than patient

and accommodating, it's really time for you to go.

I mean it please.

Stop, I'm serious, stop, would you get that thing

out of my fucking face?

Please just.

Wait, all right, just,

there's not a lot in the register,

but you can have it, all right, just,

I'm gonna get a bag.

I won't call the cops, I won't tell anybody.

I'll just stay here all night until the shift is over.

And it's fine, okay, just,

will you say something please?

Please!

You want me to get on the ground?

You don't have to do this, okay, just,

you can just go and then that's it, it's over.

Come on,

you don't have to do, you don't have to do this,

I haven't seen your face, I haven't seen your face,

I haven't seen your face, and the money's right there.

Just please, I have a family, I have a family.

I have a baby, I have a baby.

My wife, and a baby.

Please, please, please.

Give me the fucking thing!

The fuck, what the fuck is this?

Is this a fucking toy?

What is this, a fucking fake gun?

Oh shit, holy shit, holy shit,

holy fucking shit.

Holy shit.

Holy shit.

What we have here is a perfect example.

And this is exactly why our forefathers drafted

the Second Amendment, pow!

See this here?

That's what's called sanity and that's why

I'm sitting pretty at home.

That other guy, he's pissing his pants

while at the mercy of some tween cunt rag.

This shit is nuts.

I don't know if it's fucking real.

So scary with your cool little mask

and your dumb looking gun.

It's a performance, you know, it's a performance.

Fucking shit fuck pussy face ass cheek dick fuck!

I don't even know what to say about all this.

This dude pissed himself.

How you gonna pee yourself?

You know there's a camera, what the fuck, dude?

I don't know if it's corporate America

trying to fuck with our brains.

Vanna and I loved your video.

She wasn't really gonna hurt him

but he got so scared that he peed on himself.

Who does that to a person?

I'm really hoping that was a fake gun.

I usually, I don't condone this type of bullshit

but it's just too good to pass up,

so I gotta see some crazy shit.

Straws, straws, straws, straws!

- That was insane. - I'm the straw man.

I'm the straw man.

Kudos to that chick.

You think you're the only one with this, man

what's up, girl?

Take some money, take some money,

I'm the straw man, take some money.

You have a girl holding you at gunpoint

has more balls than you do, hombre.

This is a dramatic presentation.

Bonjour you sexy humans and extra terrestrials.

Burt Waldon here.

I've been seeing way too much of these attention starved

whore bag on my feed.

I mean what the actual fuck?

Congratulations, Kiya, you've made some deadbeat townie cry

and piss himself while bringing joy to the lives

of bumble fuck incest ridden hillbillies

with your fake gun.

Fake.

Just like you.

You're just another fame obsessed junkie

trying to make the biggest splash you can

before you shit out a kid and die of cancer.

Here's the cold hard truth, Kiya.

You're just as insignificant now

as you were yesterday as you will be in a week.

You're a nobody, nobody.

Everything about you is fabricated because you're garbage.

You're absolute garbage.

Putrid, grotesque, and plague inducing.

Here's my advice to you.

Do us all a favor and slit your wrist.

We're all running out of clean water and oil.

Be the bigger person here

and remember go vertical.

Once cancer cells appear,

they soon develop into a clump of tissue

that lives at the expense of the entire body.

Turn that off.

Huh?

I don't want that on me.

Why?

If you don't turn that off...

You're not being safe.

If I stop recording, will you get pancakes with me?

Hi.

Hi.

Tell me a story.

Story?

Yeah, tell me a story.

All right.

This one time,

I don't know, I think that one's kind of boring.

Can we just, I'd rather just sit here.

Nope.

Actually first, if you could be any kind of animal,

what kind of animal would you be?

Like a?

Maybe something in the water.

Something big.

And just floating around.

Like maybe one of those big things,

they swallow everything.

It has fish on its back.

A whale shark.

That's the biggest kind of shark.

Do you think you'd be a whale shark?

I wouldn't mind.

Okay tell me a story.

I like your beard.

Now tell me your story.

If I tell you a story...

Can we just eat after?

Yeah.

Give me a second here.

Okay I have to pee, so you think on it.

Think on it real hard, think of your best story

and then I'll come back and I'll sit here

and I'll drink this coffee and I'll listen.

I'm really good at that.

Yeah, front desk.

Do you remember me?

What do you mean?

I checked in a couple of hours ago.

Do you remember what I look like?

Real pretty, young face, yeah I remember.

How young?

Not too young.

Are you sure?

Um.

Do you want to fuck me?

Okay, okay, okay.