Two and a Half Men

* Men... *

I can't believe you've managed to stay in this house.

You're like a human barnacle.

Thanks, Mom.

Oh, I wasn't putting you down, sweetheart.

It's good that you have a skill.

Did you come over for a reason, or just to insult me?

The two aren't mutually exclusive.

Mom.

Charlie's bank contacted me.

Seems he had a secret safe deposit box.

I knew it! I knew he had to have something squirreled away.

Naturally, I went right down there to check it out.

So what was in it? Cash? Diamonds? Krugerrands?

Want to wipe your mouth? You're drooling a little.

Sorry.

Actually, I was quite surprised about what was in there.

Oh, tell me, tell me! I'll do better than that.

Here.

I'm pretty sure he wanted you to have this.

Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy...

I knew you'd look out for me, big bro.

What the hell is this?

Charlie's journal.

Charlie kept a journal?

Your brother was a very complex man.

Perhaps he needed a safe place

to express his deepest emotions and innermost thoughts,

or some such nonsense.

No. No cash, dear. Already checked.

Of course not.

Why leave cash to your impoverished brother

when you can leave your alcohol-muddled thoughts?

Yay.

"To whom it may concern,

"if you are reading this it means either my heart or lungs

"finally gave out.

"Or I rejected my new liver.

"Or my brother wouldn't give me a piece of his.

"Or I choked on my own vomit,

"or somebody else's.

Or some crazy chick pushed me in front of a bus..."

Ooh, so close.

Well, I hope reading it brings you some comfort and closure.

Are you sure that's all that was in the safe deposit box?

Yes. So my brother went out to the bank

and rented a safe deposit box just for this journal?

It would appear so.

That makes no sense.

He intimated on many occasions

that he had some cash stashed away for emergencies...

you know, like getting a hooker after an earthquake.

Sweetheart, you have to stop living in the past.

What's done is done.

Start looking forward.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Is that a new watch?

No.

You have your whole life ahead of you,

and the fact is, you and I are all that's left of this family.

Well...

you, me and Jake.

Hey, Grandma.

Whoa. Thought that was coming out the other end.

You're right. It's just you and me.

That looks like a man's Cartier.

It's a knock-off.

My point is, with Charlie gone,

you and I have to learn how to help and support

one another no matter what.

Gee, that would be great.

You were always the good son.

Now you're my only son.

Oh, Mommy.

Oh, Walden! How nice to see you!

It's a miracle I'm not a transsexual

on Dancing With the Stars.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

I must tell you, Walden, it's so nice to finally

see someone in this house

who surfs for something other than porn.

Yeah, I love the ocean.

Just you alone with your thoughts.

Time standing still, at peace with the entire universe.

Plus, you can pee in it and nobody knows.

Charming.

Actually, I'm glad you stopped by.

Um... Do you know a good interior designer?

As a matter of fact, I know a great one.

Evelyn Harper Interior Design.

I thought you were a real estate agent.

I am. I'm also a building inspector,

mortgage broker, notary public and a bail bondsman.

A bail bondsman?

Admittedly, that business has slowed down since my son died.

But getting back to your needs,

what did you have in mind in terms of redecorating?

I don't know.

I just, I just want my home to reflect who I am.

And who are you?

I've got a buttload of money, but I'm a pretty simple guy.

I... like people, but I don't entertain a lot.

Oh, I'm not a neat freak, but I don't like clutter.

Oh, you know, and the most important thing is,

I want the house to use green renewable energy,

you know, like solar power and wind power...

Unless Brookstone or somebody comes out with

a home nuclear reactor, because, I mean, come on,

who wouldn't want one of those?

"A buttload of money."

You're in good hands.

This journal is unbelievable.

You aren't thinking of publishing it, are you?

What? Of course not, why?

Well, I'm shoppin' around my own Charlie memoir.

It's called Man Whore.

It's catchy.

But there was more to Charlie than we thought.

I mean, listen to this.

"I just sent a girl home who told me she loved me

"and I can't even remember her name.

"What is wrong with me that I just have

"anonymous drunken encounters night after night?

"Do I drink to fill the loneliness,

or to hide from the horror I've become?"

You know, I feel awful that I lived with him for so long

and I didn't recognize his pain.

"I remember, her name is Rachel!

"I feel better now.

I'll reward myself with some cocaine and an Asian hooker."

So remember, the key to balancing the equation

is to place coefficients in front of each reactant

and product so that all the atoms balance.

I bet you shower every day.

Jake, we're supposed to be studying

for the chemistry mid-term.

I'd rather study our chemistry.

Lame.

Really? I thought it was a "double intendo."

Hey, guys.

Whatcha studying?

Chemistry.

Cool.

Looks like you two have a little chemistry.

That's so clever.

I'm Megan.

Oh, hi, Megan. It's nice to meet you. I'm Walden.

Oh, are you the Walden that bought the house?

Yeah, how many Waldens have you met lately?

That's... that's so funny.

And I'm lame.

Well, it was nice to meet you.

I'll let you guys get back to your "chemistry."

Bye, Walden! It was nice meeting you too.

You know, if he hooks up with you, he goes to jail.

I'd wait for him.

"Peed blood again this morning.

Should I be worried?"

As it turns out, no.

We have to get rid of Walden.

We do? Oh yeah, he's gotta go.

Does it occur to you that this is his house

and if anybody goes, it's gonna be us?

Actually, no.

What's the problem?

He's stealing my girlfriend.

Wait, I thought she was your tutor.

Think about it, Dad. Would I have asked for a tutor

if I didn't have a... what do you call it, interior motive?

Go on.

She's only interested in glomming onto Walden.

Well, if it makes you feel any better,

I think my own mother likes him more than she likes me.

Why would that make me feel better?

I honestly don't know.

Is this what I have to look forward to in life?

Always losing girls to smarter, better-looking men?

Well, think of it this way:

you're carrying on a proud family tradition.

Hello, dear.

What's all this?

Oh, didn't you know?

I'm helping young Thor redecorate.

I hope that's all you're doing.

Whatever do you mean?

He's tall, he's handsome, he's vulnerable,

and you're old enough to be his ancestor.

Relax, Alan. The only thing I want

to pull out of that boy's pants is his wallet.

You sure?

Believe me, I have no ulterior motive.

I believe that's "interior," Grandma.

You really should get that boy a unicycle and some juggling pins.

Evelyn, cool, you're here. Uh, could you come on up?