Uncle Buck

I love a good remake, but did we really need

a black version of "Pride & Prejudice"?

Yeah. You know, - it was mainly just prejudice.

- - You know what?

I just think they need to knock it off

with all the remakes, don't you?

Leave well enough alone.

- -

Oh.

What the hell?!

Uh, how was the movie?

We were only gone for two hours,

and that included a stop at Pinkberry.

I want to know who broke my damn window.

So, I'm gonna be straight up with y'all.

No reason to beat around the bush.

I don't have a damn clue.

That's all right, because one thing

I can count on is somebody dropping the dime.

So let the finger-pointing begin now.

And... now.

Whoa. Really? Come on, Tia.

I honestly have no idea.

Me neither.

Yeah, it's just one of them mysteries, like taxes.

Or like, what does the Tooth Fairy do

with all the teeth she takes?

And when her teeth fall out, like, who takes them?

Is there a smaller fairy?

Like, help a sister out! Come on! Say something!

Uh, she had a little bit too much sugar today.

Okay, everybody go to your room.

Oh...

This isn't over.

So, y'all want to order a couple calzones to hash things out?

Buck, can you give us a minute?

Well, before y'all make up your mind,

just remember, watch your little feet,

'cause there's a lot of glass around here.

- What the heck was that all about? - I know.

Normally, these kids rat on each other with very little prompting.

Well, whatever it is, we're gonna have to figure it out.

Yeah. Like an episode of "Law & Order."

Bing, bong!

What was that?

Sound from the show. Bing, bong!

No, it wasn't. That was the sound of a broken doorbell.

I designed this house. I love every part of it.

These windows are like my children.

You have real children.

And look what they've done.

Look what they've done.

Honey, we'll figure it out.

You're right.

So, who do we question first... the sitter or the snitch?

The snitch.

- - Why'd you bring me in first?

Well, you're our favorite.

- Don't tell the others. -

And, also, we thought we may have put you on the spot

in front of the people who probably actually did it.

So you can speak freely. It's just us now, The I.Q. Crew.

Kombucha?

Don't mind if I do.

But I already told you, I don't know what happened.

Uh, then, tell us what you do know.

Well, Uncle Buck was making us lunch,

if that's what you want to call it.

I was reading Joan Didion's essay on California

and taking notes in the margin when...

Hey, hey, hey! Who wants lunch?

Pop, pop, shazam!

I do. Ooh, ooh! Check it.

"Pop, pop, shazam"?

You make Buck sound like he's in an '80s sitcom.

That's how he sounds to me.

Yeah. Me too. Anyway, go on.

- Whoo! -

- Hey, where's Maizy. - I'm here!

Maizy, why are you wearing a bee costume?

Who cares? I'm cute.

- Ah. -

So, what y'all hungry for?

Ice cream!

Corn dogs and pizza.

Well, I think we should probably eat something healthy.

Childhood obesity is an epidemic.

- So smart, sis. - You're my idol.

Insert Fat Marcus story.

How about we steam some vegetables?

I have some baby bok choy in there I've been saving for a special occasion.

Oh, we can do that.

Or you can pick a number from 1 to 3.

Uh, 2?

1, 2.

Okay. Here we go.

Look, check it out.

In the hood, we call it refrigerator roulette.

Pop, pop, shazam!

I call the capers.

And I'll get Pepper's ear medicine.

Hang on a minute, Tia.

So Buck feeds you by pulling random shelves out of the fridge?

No, but he doesn't put a lot of thought into it.

I mean, he made Maizy a syrup sandwich.

Come on, Tia!

Actually, Buck does love a syrup sandwich.

I do, too. It's a hood thing.

I see y'all on that real cul-de-sac diet.

Where I come from, they didn't have cul-de-sacs.

We had dead ends.

We had to get creative.

This is so good.

Ain't it, man?! Just call me Wolfgang Buck.

Pop, pop, shazam!

He said Wolfgang Buck.

On point as always, my man.

Ooh, ooh! Check it!

Here, Tia. Have a bite.

No, thanks. That's just high-fructose corn syrup.

Yeah, corn is a vegetable.

- Ain't it, man? -

- Oh! Oh! - Ooh.

They all thought it was hilarious, but I didn't.

Pepper was humiliated, so I took him upstairs to give him a bath.

Wow. You gave Pepper a bath. He hates baths.

He bit me last time. Punctured my Polo.

That close to losing a nipple.

Well, I have a special connection with Pepper.

I won't say "spirit animal," but we're close like that.

Calm yourself. I know.

The others are so crass.

But if you ask me, they're the animals.

And that's when I saw Buck and Miles and their little project.

Ooh! A button. I love buttons.

- - Hey, hey, Maizy.

Don't touch that. That's dangerous.

Now, go wash your hands. You're getting syrup everywhere.

Please, Mr. Buck. For you, this is a joke.

For me, it is my livelihood.

Gentlemen, as you know,

I've always supported your creativity,

but playing with the wood chipper

seems, at best, ill-advised.

That's how we do. Pop, pop, shazam!

- - Okay, what does that even mean?

Uh, if you have to ask, you can't afford it.

Also nonsensical.

You know, Mark Twain once said,

"It is better to keep your mouth closed

and let people think you are a fool

than to open it and remove all doubt."

Dang, she schooled us again.

Yeah, we'll never beat her in a war of words.

She's too verbally, uh, uh... What's the word?

Adept.

That's it! Pop, pop, shazam!

Let's do it again!

Okay, that's enough.

So it was Miles and Buck on the pool deck with the wood chipper.

Easiest game of "Clue" ever.

That's not what I said. I didn't see it happen.

After that, I took a shower.

When I got out, I was looking for my blow dryer.

That's when I heard a crash, and then you two came home.

Maybe you guys did it.

Ha ha.

You can go, but don't leave the area.

Oh, my God. I think she's lying to us.

Not Tia.

Remember she signed that integrity pledge when she was 5?

Yeah, she wrote it herself.

But I'm still catching the unmistakable odor of a cover-up.

Yeah, and I think we both know who the mastermind is.

So why don't we just go on and cut to the chase

and bring in the sitter?

Cling, clang.

Just say it. You've never seen "Law & Order."

- Thanks for coming in. - I know my rights.

I get one phone call, an attorney,

and some of that nasty-ass coffee in the vending machine.

You're not under arrest, Buck.

Oh, well, cool.

I'll just go down to Costco's

and get me a pack of jeans and some free samples.

Listen, we're not accusing you of anything.

We just need to know what happened.

Okay, well, we were about to go get lunch.

Don't you lie to me, Buck!

What were you doing in there?

I was playing good cop, bad cop.

He won't respond to that. All cops are bad to Buck.

But don't worry. I know just how to get inside his head.

Tia told us everything.

Who did it? 'Cause I'm dying to know.

Damn it. He's too good.

It's like he's playing chess, and I'm playing checkers.