The Mindy Project

Previously, on "The Mindy Project"...

This year, I finally met the best guy.

He has a steady job, cool daughter,

and he says straight-up cute stuff like...

I think I kinda love you.

The more I get to know you, the more I love you.

The only place I really wanna be is right here.

Things are going great with Ben.

You guys will probably get married.

I'm not getting married to Ben.

Besides, who says I even need to get married?

You don't.

Honestly, you're too cool to get married.

I guess I should talk to him about it.

Yeah.

Dad, that's it. That's the ring.

We'll take it.

- You don't wanna get married. - I don't.

I love you and I don't want things to change.

Okay, everyone, we've gotten some complaints

about our phone etiquette.

Now, I'm not naming any names,

but I would prefer it if from now on,

no one answered calls with, "You have 30 seconds. Wow me."

Well, it must be nice to have all day

to just chitchat on the phone.

- Oh, hey, Colette. - Karen Jean Simmons,

in the five months we've known each other,

I've grown to love you more than

Dominique Wilkins loves slam dunks.

This isn't happening.

I know this is sudden,

but it would seriously rule if you would be my wife.

- Ohh! - Yes! Yes!

Two times, yes!

Now, in Kimball-Kinney tradition,

I'm supposed to carry you away on a horse,

but the horse got spooked and ran into the Lincoln Tunnel.

Oh, well, that's okay, Colette.

You're the only ride I'll ever need.

Ohh.

They sounded like a chorus of gay angels

and then Colette, she picks her up and carries her out on her back.

- Yeah. - So romantic.

But then Colette's knee gave out

and she flattened Farzad's newsstand.

Yeah, that's... that's cool, man.

- I'm sorry, hey, hello. - Huh? What?

I'm telling you this crazy story.

What's wrong, dude? Is it my cologne?

It... it's propane.

No, it's...

Can you keep a secret?

I don't know, man. I'm like 0 for 500.

I was about to propose to Mindy.

Oh, my God, oh, my God, oh, my God!

- Bought a ring and everything. - Ahh!

Princess cut blood diamond.

- Her favorite kind. - That's what she wants.

But out of nowhere, she announces

that she doesn't ever wanna get married.

- Sh... she said that? - Yeah.

When did she say that, exactly?

Was it, like, a long time ago?

Or was it, like, last Saturday after she and I spoke?

Yeah, it was last Saturday, yeah.

That is...

She said she doesn't want to get married because I can't

give her anything that she doesn't already have.

- Mm-mm, mm-mm. Mm. - I know.

She's clearly going crazy and she has some kind of

brain parasite, 'cause she's always

eating that expired peanut butter.

I gotta go to her house and get rid of that peanut butter.

Otherwise, s-she's gonna die.

All right. Watch...

- You all right? - Yep.

I got it.

The Squares Exhibit at the Museum of Geometry.

It's only the greatest collection of square art

ever assembled in the Northern Hemisphere.

And I've got two tickets to the opening night.

Oh, thank you.

This is very thoughtful.

Of course. Obviously, we'll be going as... as friends.

I wanna be square with you.

Oh. The Square Exhibit.

Knock, knock.

Just wanted to invite you all to a little engagement party

I'm throwing tomorrow in honor of the future

Mrs. and Mrs. Kimball-Kinney.

The theme is "Fried Green Tomatoes."

Oh, how wonderful.

You know, I have a broach with Jessica Tandy's profile on it.

Wonderful. 7:00 p. m. sharp.

No gifts under $100. They'll just be thrown out.

Right.

I'm so happy for Colette.

You know, I was her first kiss.

She said, "Well, that settles that."

Hm? Oh, I'm... I'm sorry.

It's Tim. He won't sign the divorce papers,

and he keeps texting for a second chance.

Well, as your friend, my advice would be:

go with your gut.

It's usually right. Except for that year

I thought I could pull off one dangly earring.

Well, yes, of course. You're right.

I moved out for a reason and not just because my maid hates me.

I'm not going to text him back.

Well done.

Hey, what's going on in here?

I'm eating my lunch. Are those bridal magazines?

I thought maybe we could chill and plan your future wedding.

I already planned mine. It's BYOB, BYO food,

BYO silverware, BYO chair.

Plan my wedding?

You're the one that convinced me

that I don't need to get married.

And honestly, it's been so freeing.

I have so much extra brain space.

I can finally understand my TV shows.

Transparent's a guy!

But what about Ben?

Do you not want to get married because you're afraid

you're not gonna bond with his Jewish relatives?

Just don't tell them your theories on Israel.

I don't know what it is.

Is it a place? Is it an idea?

I-I would just leave the whole area alone.

Please, please. I talked to Ben.

He doesn't want to get married either.

It's good to keep talking about this

because things change and evolve and stuff.

So maybe you should talk to him again.

I'm enjoying my lunch. I think you should go.

Hey!

What's up, you guys?

Colette, you are absolutely glowing.

You must really love this woman.

I think it's so romantic that you're just

letting someone come into your life and change it forever.

When you stay single long enough,

marriage starts to become less like a bond

and looks more like one of those little plastic cubes

where they imprison super heroes to deprive them

of their super powers.

Oh, yeah? Huh.

My life is so fulfilling by myself

that the idea of having to share it

with someone 50/50 forever...

I mean, can you imagine? Barf.

- I would kill myself. - Yeah.

But Colette, you are young.

And it warms my heart to see you

completely lose yourself in another person.

Cool.

_

_

_

Hi, your estranged husband is standing right behind me.

Tim. Why are you here? Oh, no.

Are you cheating on me with someone who works here?

It ain't cheating if you're broken up.

Hi, I'm Beverly.

No. Stop.

Anna, I'm here because I think it's time for you to come home.

I mean, your Japanese toilet misses you,

your panic room misses you

and I miss you.

You cheated on me with my own closet organizer.

She knows me better than anyone.

And I'm sorry. I know what I did was wrong

but I also know that you don't sleep well when you're not home.

And you're a mess without your solid three hours a night.

It's true.

I haven't been sleeping well in my Airbnb.

It has a poorly executed nautical theme.

I'm so sorry.

Listen, just come over for a drink.

We'll see how it feels.

What do you say?

- I'll think about it. - I'll show you out.

- Okay. Ow. - Right this way.

You're hurting my arm.

Thanks for inviting me over for a girls' night, Mindy.

Leo and I love spending time with you.

And he doesn't like anybody.

Seriously, he bit a mall Santa.

The Santa swore, he got fired.

Leo's the best.

I always wanted a younger brother.

We could go to the park, read together.

Oh, hey, do you wanna make a little extra money?

I need a babysitter tomorrow night.

Leo's old babysitter quit.

He was getting handsy with her.

I guess he takes after his mom.

That sounds great. Where are you going?

I am going to an engagement party.