Alanis Morissette: Feast on Scraps

Am I looking weak to you?

"Hey, Garrett,

how was your day?"

That's how normal people start a conversation.

When I was management, I had power.

Why did I give that up?

We were number one in shrink reduction

and last in employee satisfaction.

I did that.

Now the world just seems dull or something.

- - Guys?

Okay. Time to go to the hospital?

I don't think I'm gonna make it to the hospital.

I think I'm having this baby here.

Okay. We need towels.

Someone run to the store and buy some towels!

No, wait! We're a store!

- Get some towels! - On it.

You're not gonna have the baby in the store.

You have plenty of time, Chey.

And it could be false labor.

You know? That's called a Braxton Hicks contraction.

This baby is not gonna be born in Cloud 9.

Maybe it's Braxton Hicks.

Okay, we get it. You know the term Braxton Hicks.

We're all very impressed.

No, I'm having this baby here.

Okay, this is it!

This is happening!

I feel nothing.

Attention, shoppers.

Is there a doctor in the...

Who am I kidding? This is Cloud 9.

Anybody here watched a lot of "Grey's Anatomy?"

Maybe "Nurse Jackie"?

Not "The Knick."

Towels. Towels. Towels.

Oh.

Move! Pharmacist coming through.

Step aside. I need room.

All right, Cheyenne.

I need you to listen to me here, and we will get through this.

Now, in the last 24 hours,

have you taken any medication I need to know about.

Just some Tums.

Calcium carbonate. That's fine.

It's not gonna harm the baby.

All right.

Okay, yeah. That's it?

Well, yeah.

I'm a pharmacist.

I don't know how to deliver a baby.

Gross.

But, um, good luck.

My training kicked in.

You're welcome, everyone.

Okay, that's good.

If the contractions are longer, that means you're in...

it's called active labor, so I guess you're in active labor.

I'm gonna go get some stuff.

Okay, look. I took part in a cow birth once.

The calf died, but I learned what not to do.

No, no, no, no.

Ah, no. Yes.

Will we need cotton balls?

I'll get cotton balls.

No, no.

Ooh, yes.

Cheyenne, I want you to wait until

you have an uncontrollable urge to push, okay?

And then, you're gonna bear down with all your strength

for ten seconds at a time, okay?

I can't believe you know how to handle this.

Well, I played the abortion doctor in a Hell house once.

- Oh, cool. - If it helps,

I'm a trained midwife.

- Garrett, you're filming this? - Yeah, for Bo.

- I figured he'd want to see it. - All right.

Can everyone else back up?

This is a private moment.

You're doing great.

- I'm right here. - Excuse me, miss.

What's the difference between a sunblock and a sunscreen?

This is it! The baby's coming!

All right. That's nice.

I like that. I like that.

Oh, okay.

Yeah, this is it, guys.

It's coming. This is the moment.

Oh, um...

The contractions stopped.

- Oh. - That's, um... huh.

Braxton Hicks, I guess. It's false labor.

I guess it should put on my pants now.

The company's targeted maneuvers

are also a direct reflection of its mission.

It reads, "Cloud 9's mission statement is a lower price point"

"creates a..." Okay, I'm sorry.

Cheyenne? You okay?

I'm fine.

I just...

The baby's compressing my lungs...

And making it really hard for me to just take a full breath.

- But I'm okay. - No, you're not okay.

You almost gave birth to your child

in the store yesterday.

Yeah, dude, I wish I had an excuse

this good to ditch work.

I can't go home.

I need the hours, you know?

For this little girl.

Oh!

- Did it kick? - No, I just...

I touch myself here and it makes me pee a little bit.

- Oh. - This is ridiculous.

She shouldn't have to kill herself just to have a baby.

Did you guys know that in every other first-world nation,

paid maternity leave is just automatic?

Whoa, no, no, you are not

gonna forward us another article.

Oh! Oh, that was a big one.

These meetings are worse from up here.

Each of us would officially take a sick day,

but we'd still come in,

and we'd clock in as Cheyenne,

so that she can take the day off, but still get paid.

Right.

And she can just pay us back later?

Cloud 9 made over a billion dollars last year.

Why don't we just ask them to pay for maternity leave?

Oh, you want to just call corporate and ask them?

That sounds easy.

It's worth a shot, isn't it?

I mean, what's the worst they can do, say no?

Employee services.

Hi, this is Amy Dubanowski from Store 1217.

We have an employee here who's about to have a baby,

and I was wondering if maybe we could get her

some paid maternity leave.

I'm sorry, we don't offer paid maternity leave.

Don't just give up.

Well, some of us

were wondering if you could change that policy,

because we really want it.

Um, that's just not something we offer.

Okay, but is it, like, a conversation

you guys are having?

Because I know other big companies do offer it.

Typically, their employees would be in unions.

Transferring now. Please hold.

What are you doing?

Why would you say that?

- Say what? - Hi there, Amy.

This is Jeremy, vice president of employee relations.

Hi. I don't know exactly...

Do me a solid and hang tight for one second, Aim.

- What's happening? - I don't know.

Please hold for Greg.

Who's Greg? Why are we getting Greg?

- Go for Greg. - Hey, it's Jeremy.

I've got Rebecca from legal and Amy from Store 1217,

where we've got that union problem.

- Oh, no! No. - No.

We were talking about maternity leave

and somebody very annoying mentioned the word "union."

Whoa, let's just all calm down, take a breath,

step back from the ledge.

No, no, no, no.

No, there's no ledge.

- Nobody's talking about unions. - No way.

And nobody's going on strike.

Please hold.

Yeah, hi. Okay, you've got Howard,

Sue, Cheryl, Keith, Guillermo...

- That's so many people. - Renee, and Alan here.

All: Hello.

- Hi. - Hi.

Okay, hang tight down there, 1217.

We're sending someone down to you

first thing tomorrow morning.

- No. - Good stuff?

No, no, no, no, wait, wait.

You don't have to do that.

- All: Bye. - Amazing talk.

Wow.

How did I not know your last name is Dubanowski?

Morning, everyone. Grab some coffee.

Help yourself to a doughnut hole.

You see what's going on here, right?

Corporate smells trouble, so they send in a shark.

A big, swinging wiener.

Have him swing his wiener around a little.

Give us a slap on the wrist.

A little rap on the knuckles from a big, swinging wiener.

This is gonna be a long day.

Yeah.

Hello, 1217.

My name is Steve.

Does anyone here know who I am?

- I know. A union buster. - Good one.